Second year results came out today. First-class for yours truly(takes a bow). I ended up getting an eighty in psych.
Am pretty happy. the family is ecstatic which is nice. I had vowed not to speak to the Gestapo at all, but...I did, and twas ok.
M is back. We went to Mocha to celebrate the start of our final year in college. Tis so good to have her back!
So, all's good :)

Love

I was told today that whatever I did with my life, it had to involve writing. I have talent.
Thank you, there is no greater compliment for me.
Writing isn't an option for me.
I would not live if I couldn't write. Tisn't just the joy, the slyness, the love of words. I write because tis a necessity. My writing is perhaps the only place where I am uncompromising, dauntless, in complete faith. This is where I tear myself into pieces without fear. My writing doesn't allow me to mollycoddle myself. If I've been an ass, I can't write otherwise.

I met S today at the Store. Now that I've wanted him, touched him and separated from him in a sense...we have a strange relationship.
On my side, it involves almost constant pain. Wistfulness. He is such a barrage of names and dates. He cannot handle anything that isn't labelled and dated. And his self-absorption is....infuriating.
I cannot tell him this. He is touchy, sensitive to certain things. And in some obscure way, i represent unconditional understanding to him.
I see him as so much potential. But who am I to tell him he needs to grow. I have no resentments. Tis just sadness. This is the only relationship where my sadness is unmixed with anger or resentment. I can't make him into who I want him to be. We seldom touch, on any level. Tis rare, but sure. We don't know each other's everyday business, but he tells me important things. Makes me cd's with monsoon music.
This isn't simple. Or maybe it is. We both give as much as in us lies. For one of us, tis too much, for the other tisn't enough. I can't ask for more and I can't give less. This giving is new. It is beyond failed romance, beyond even what our bodies mean to each other. It is the reason why I can't say 'this hurts' and let go.
Sometimes there is no awareness, we just do things for each other because...it can't be any other way. Not now.

Weed and I went scouting for costumes and props today for our Big Upcoming Event. Come midnight of the 20th of July, all tnt-ians shall be found in black, sweeping robes with pointy hats. Grin.
After scouting, we went back to Weed's for Grey's Anatomy and lunch. I stuffed myself. (I loved the food Weed, no matter how much I bitch to my Cal friends about it!)
With lunch, some shopping(read: Weed and I agreeing that the point of life was to be able to afford Body Shop products) we had to do a Heera-the-milkmaid to get the Store on time. Weed, I think just about stopped short ofjumping off the rickshaw and running! Twas raining, and we shrieked and cursed everybody who splashed us.
Arrived at tnt, helped code books, hung out with the gang for awhile, then wended my way home.
M's coming back from Orissa tomorrow. I can't wait to see her new apartment!
I dreamt last night that I had got a Higher Second Class. Woke up in panic! Gasp! Choke!
Twas a fun day. I had strawberry cheesecake for breakfast at Weed's house.
Missed the Martian Rubber-band today.

Tagged

by Nandita.

I'm to list 8 facts about myself....:p

1. I'm a worrier. I agonize endlessly over..well...everything. There is nothing I do or say that is thoughtless. Even my impulses.

2. I have two ambitions. One is to be a student forever. The other is to be a Disney voice.

3. I can't talk on the phone unless a)I'm sleepy, b)I'm drunk

4. I flap my arms when I'm excited.

5. I fantasize about being a singer at one of those old cafes in Paris.

6. I hate closed shoes.

7. I love complications. Not because I can handle them well...I can't...but because they're so interesting.

8. I never cry in public or ask for help in emotional situations. My best friends haven't seen me cry. The only one who has is my old Sociology professor.

I tag...Debs and Prachi

It's a Dream

Another song my dad introduced me to :)

In the morning when I wake up and listen to the sound
Of the birds outside on the roof
I try to ignore what the paper says
And I try not to read all the news
And I'll hold you if you had a bad dream
And I hope it never comes true
'Cause you and I been through so many things together
And the sun starts climbing the roof

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

The Red River stills flows through my home town
Rollin' and tumblin' on its way
Swirling around the old bridge pylons
Where a boy fishes the morning away
His bicycle leans on an oak tree
While the cars rumble over his head
An aeroplane leaves a trail in an empty blue sky
And the young birds call out to be fed

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

An old man walks along on the sidewalk
Sunglasses and an old Stetson hat
The four winds blow the back of his overcoat away
As he stops with the policeman to chat
And a train rolls out of the station
That was really somethin' in its day
Picking up speed on the straight prairie rails
As it carries the passengers away

It's gone
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
Only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away


-Neil Young

Left-handed trees writes:

The first official Summer full moon is on Saturday--go out there and celebrate the Rose Moon (Colonial American), Lotus Moon (Chinese), Windy Moon (Choctaw), Moon of Horses (Celtic), Dyan Moon (English Medieval), or Flying Fish Moon (New Guinea). Without a doubt, my writing will be hiding there as well...what will you find?

I will go out and celebrate. I shall cry at my smallness and be thankful that Your life touched mine. I will remember that I can brighten up a day simply by forming written sentences about it. It is with a lot of joy that I still believe in celebrating full moons.

Disgruntled

It is beyond me how a day can go so wrong in five hours. I drag myself out of bed after barely 4 hours of sleep amd go to go to college to investigate the rumour that results are out. Turns out...tis false! No breakfast and an overdose of chips have made my stomach a religious riot, I see people I would rather not...one of whom sadly reproaches me for 'not caring whether he is alive'...and I realize, I don't. Care I mean.
All I'm thinking is, after all that agonizing, all that melodrama, the University has let me down.
My hair has dried funny, I look like a cross between Fido Dido and the Shaggy Dog and i'm thinking how nice it would be to be adopted by Sandy and Kiersten Cohen and do nothing but punch people and make out all the time.
I go to the British Library to look at University prospectus material. Depression on orange-level now...why must i only do a Master's in one subject?? There's Literature and Post-Modernism, Creative Writing, Media Arts, Physical Theatre and Performance...sigh!
To top it all, I feel like i've lost a friend. I don't know if I should blow my top and yell or just be patient.
Tired. Too tired to think anymore about it. Just now, i don't care if i've topped the State or bottomed the nation.(fingers crossed)

Autumn Leaves

The falling leaves drift by the window
The autumn leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sun-burned hands I used to hold

Since you went away, the days grow long
And soon I'll hear again old winters song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

-nat king cole

As of now...

I am bored.
I am having rum with water instead of Coke
I am seriously considering getting back to dating
I need a night out. Definitely with dancing.
I haven't laughed hysterically in twenty-four hours.(this is really alarming)
I am going to go watch Shrek 2 with E.
The highlight of the day was discovering that Elton John wore the same sunglasses as Mum has on his 60th birthday. Also that both my parents have way cooler(read psychedelic/Gucci) eyewear than me.

Talking Big

One of the most damning things about small-talk is the question 'so, what do you do?' Or not so much the question, as the expected answer.
Most people spew out their year of college or their job-status..and stop there. Riiiiight! You're a first-year student and nothing else. You work in a bank....that's it! That's your big life with small, intimate spaces and infinite quirks. Not!

What do you do?

I write. I agonize endlessly. I read till my head hurts. I take pictures of myself. I listen to songs and hold up an imaginary microphone and pretend I'm singing. I think about love. I study literature. I'm also currently practicing looking people in the eye. I watch movies because I like razzle-dazzle. I perform. I touch people. I observe bodies and rain. They are beautiful. I listen. I miss.

So...what do you do?

yawwwnnnn....ok folks tis 10:49 am, I have had precisely...five hours of sleep and I see no reason to be coherent.
I watched eight episodes of the OC!!! You were right J, tis addictive. I think I might start saying 'ewww' again... Rachel Bilson style of course.
Many thanks to the Router for endless exposure to the music of the OC...I loved it.
But tis more fun watching it everyday, one episode at a time. With a dvd in hand, you don't elbow anyone aside s you can grab the remote, you whole day doesn't revolve around the 9 pm slot.
Ah well. I shall go back to admiring my new anklets and practicing my eww-ing.

In tears

Have been reading some beautiful blogs. Especially this. And this one.

After a long, long time, beauty has made me cry.

Have been obsessive the past few days. Listened to The Doors and The Police over and over. L.A. Woman and Roxanne playing incessantly.
I love it when a song hits me and I have to play it over a million times. Lean into the speakers to catch a difficult word. Hum it for days afterward.
But then, I go over everything a million times. 'Letting go' and 'getting over' aren't part of my monkey-dance. I revel in baggage.

I've been thinking about a particular relationship. We are honest, soft and sometimes awkward. We sometimes tell each other difficult things. We aren't best friends..we've had moments of intimacy and days of distance. We are gypsies.
To the Other Person in this gypsy-ness, I want to say....maybe it's meant to be this way. Maybe we don't need closure and finality. I miss you when you're drifting, and i'm trying to keep away. Maybe it's because we've built nothing between us.

I Got a Peaceful Easy Feeling...

Hello :)
So...had gorgeous reminscing session with Dee. Went back to TCS(that's our junior college) and general Calcutta days and stories of my drunkeness and consequent falling off staircases with my body at 90 degrees.
Then M called, and we giggled and bad-mouthed house-guests for twenty minutes. She also informed me that the Hindi version of 'Pirates of the Carribean' has been dubbed 'Samundar ki Lutere'.
Spoke to the Director, she has assigned me the Events page on the tnt website. I'm to learn a new software, use material from our Scrapbook and create the page. Yayee!
Am now sitting wearing herbal oil in hair and aloe vera gel on face.
All nice tnt-ians are meeting at the Store this evening for 'an evening of controlled frivolity' sponsored by Vernen.
Last night's gloom has lifted!

Study

Tired. I don't want to think ahead. I don't want to think of applications, acceptances, money, loans. I don't want to wonder if tis a waste to spend so much on a year away.
I've never doubted that I want to go. I'd be a student forever if I could. Imagine...always having access to a college library! I love literature enough to study it for as many degrees as there are.
But I do so hate forms. And paperwork. And I'm terribly guilty that a loan may be required. I need focus. Total commitment to the thought that this is what I want, and I'm prepared to work for it.
I know too well my aversion to attending to details. But goddamit, this is my dream. Other people are paying for it. I should probably do the rest!

Yeah whatever...

Am thoroughly enjoying being completely lazy, catching up on my TV-time and overdosing on chips and sleep. I miss earning though. I'm no less a part of tnt even though I'm not working anymore; and I will have a pretty stringent routine starting next month, but I miss the paycheck.

My cousin got a 97 in a chem test. Bloody hell! I don't even want to recall my Days of Chemistry.
Vernen is leaving on Sunday. He will be missed. But he-and-I is very complete, so no regrets...nothing unfinished. He and i are invited to tea at Sumi's tomorrow :) Methinks will take my own Beatles mug! I've actually started drinking tea since I got that mug :)
I'm a wee bit worried about Dee. She's known for her Enormous Highs and Great Falls...Hope all works out babe.
Ok, I've been writing this for over three hours, interspersed with intense talks with Debs, Shy and Ruta...and I haven't mentioned my two main worries.
One is that on account of my chip-binge...I have the most terrible break-outs on my face...and I'm still not stopping!
The other is...too bothersome to mention and anyway it may not be a worry at all.

To tell you...

Mum.
It's six years today since you left. For over forty years, you were daughter, sister, wife, daughter-in-law, mother, divorcee, tired.
In six years you have stepped over all the boxes,every label. You are a mother, completely. You are also living a sparky,intelligent life on you own.
We both agree it hasn't been easy. But look what it achieved Mum! We are both better people because you took a difficult decision. A shocking one!
Because you refused to remain cloistered and miserable.
Thanks for letting go Mum.
I am so goddamn proud of you!

I was at recently at this birthday party for a two-year-old. The host and hostess were running around trying to hook me up with somebody my own age.
Erm, yeah..that would be...a twenty-two year old who looks fifteen and knows Disney songs by heart. Sure!
I detest being introduced to people just for company. I was more thsn happy nibbling on cookies and cake and observing people. There was somebody who had come sixth in the State in her board exams. There was a lady who was introduced as 'quite a character'.

I enjoy being an anomaly entirely too much. And yes, i sometimes do it for effect. Why do people assume I'm bored and awkward if i'm alone? And who says I'll get along with people simply because they're my age?
Ooooofff!

The Basics of TIA

I love:
Sleeping

I hate:
Not sleeping

I marvel at:
My ability to sleep.

So...goodnight dear Void

Ok, so I gamely decide to go to the home of The Boy I Once Loved. I was paranoid from the previous night. Howled my eyes out and decided I could NOT go. Then decided to be brave and martyr-like and face up to it like St Joan of Arc.

I adore melodrama when you can laugh at it later!

I primped. I admit it all right! Wore new cotton olive-green pants and this very un-Tia top which Mum got me. It has Juicy Cherry written all over it in pink! Wore lenses which basically meant I could see only a foot ahead of me. Made up eyes and actually looked at self in mirror, something i rarely do.
But I couldn't go right away. I mean, i had to de-glamourize myself a bit and appear casual. So off I went to tnt (thank you Director for creating it!) and had a few laughs. Gave Resh and Ravi Bhaiyya their presents, talked to Resh about a lot of things. Met the Router (much happiness there as always), gave him his present...come to think of it, his presence has become so familiar now...

THEN, with blessings from J and A, I took myself off to That House. I quivered let me tell you. No, quivered is too delicate and ladylike...I SHOOK! I love the House you know. It has a jhoola and dogs and an old, old bai who always welcomes me and gives me lovely tea or Tang..or both. I almost walked past the gate (perhaps I could tell them I hadn't found the house in the dark), but St Joan dropped me off at the door.
I met the New Dog. He bit my new pants. The Old Dog was happy to see me. I chatted awhile with the Sister and the Cousins. We sing bug songs. Bless them for making me so welcome.
But I was not a complete martyr if I didn't face the Boy Himself!

So...I knock on his door verrrry politely. He opens, is surprised-pleased to see me. I am prepared to be umcomfortable, in fact I am DETERMINED to be uncomfortable.
'What happened, why are you looking like that?', he asks.
I, with my usual eloquence, suddenly snap up and say 'oh..no, I'm just jet-lagged and it's so hot and...' and sit down.
We talk. He is digitizing old audio cassettes of classical music. His room smells just the same. It hits me that smell. He shows me his new books, shows me pictures of his recent vacation with friends, explains the music he is trying to clear up.
I observe him. He has lost weight.
He tells me he had food poisoning. His hair seems less shiny. Maybe he's stopped using gel(what a relief!)
My ipod charger has been with him for months. I tell him he can keep it. He tells me I must take his in return. I refuse. He insists. 'I don't want to take anything from you without giving back', he says.
I tickle him and ask him to shut up.
He gives me two books and a cd...because he has extra copies!
The Mother comes home.
I like her a lot. We have had very good talks.

It is getting late. I need to get back to tnt. He has to go that way, he offers me a lift. An old ritual. He's dropped me home in the middle of the night even after we bacame Once Loved. I open the gate, he takes the bike out, I close the gate and hop on.
He tells me I've grown heavy. I beat him up. He drops me to the Store, rides off before i can say thank you or hug him.
We are all about rituals, him and me. The tea, the bike, the rides, him working on his computer on his beloved music, the stacks of books towering on his desk, the smell of his room...like oldness and comfort...
and touch...the one that had to be broken.

Some Enchanted Evening

Sometimes I'd like to scream and say
I hate the fluorescent lighting in this room.
Sometimes I'd like to sit out on the steps
Arms wrapped around my knees
Smoking
Scared
So you'll come out and ask me what the matter is
Looking out through these small, these millions of small
moments
Is the hugeness of touching you.

Good Morning!

I finally connected with the Router. He is away on holiday and I missed our contact.
We spoke for only a few minutes. 'This is is the place you get range out here,' he said. I was too busy making fun of him and trying to tell him about Hollywood musicals...which he refused to listen to...to give it thought.
After we hung up, I thought about it. Where he is, there is this one space where you can make contact. And he'd been there talking to me. That has made me smile.
And that itch in my neck has gone, though it is still sore.
And my original router suddenly began working.
Happy!

I guess you don't have much to show
That comes from me to you
And I don't have much to give
And there's little i can do

But if you're thinking of the future
The way you seem to be
All I ask of you
Is think carefully

For I have watched the way you look at me
And I've seen it in your eyes
Heard you whisper loved words
Breathe a tender sigh
But you think there's a part of me
I never really show
And you worry about tomorrow
And things you don't know

I won't send flowers on a Sunday
Might not call you on a Monday
Won't have the time to dream of you each day
But I'll think of you in moments free
Make your smile my favourite memory
And love you in my own kind of way.

I guess that I have never been quite the one for words
And what i have to say is less than poetry
But thinking as I do, I wonder if I
Have ever let you know
What you mean to me
So I'll sing a song just for you
My music i will play
Andmaybe somewhere in-between
Is what I'm trying to say
If you've a dream for tomorrow
You would like to share
Make a little room for me
I'd like to be there.


I don't know who sang this, I can't find it anywhere. Mum gave me a copy of a collection of songs, this was one.

A Very Serious and Proper Memoir

Tis difficult to write about a vacation once it's over. The sharpness of the everyday experience fades. The milk with Lucky Charms, seeing 7th Avenue where I crossed the street in my Belle gown twelve years ago, walking in London with Mum, the presents I found when I had no intention of buying and my delight at how apt they were for the receiver,dreaming in Downtown Disney, riding the Everest Expedition four times, Mary Poppins on Broadway....all of them so vital and yet so ephemeral.

I discovered people anew this trip.
Mum is going to be 50 in November. She's gorgeous, astute, intense. She's happily unmarried, and has her fair share of romance. I am so very proud of the unconventional life she is leading. She makes brilliant coffee and cocktails and cooks like a dream and takes pride in being pretty and is always learning. She has a stock of abuses and a sense of humour that is outrageous.
My aunt who we stayed withis...my soulmate. We can't stand people all the time, we hate being available all the time. She lives by herself in a gorgeous Manhattan apartment and watches good movies and reads a lot and takes everything with a wry pinch of salt.

I met an uncle of mine after eight years in New York. When I was about seven years old, he made up a rhyme about me...which I shall not repeat here :) He recited it when we met this time!

I also got closer to a friend from Pune, so much so that the back of my neck has been itching because we haven't communicated since I came back!
I'm glad to be back. They make such terrible chips over in the West! And I had to smoke Marlboro! And I missed Hindi music!