Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Fall

I traced you in a dream

As you stood abashed
On an opium stage
There I ran
Touched you
Learnt you..

You the vessel
I, soft liquid
Soaked in your skin

You the mirror
I, cracked glass
With all your broken pieces

How strange to have what
I coveted for so long

And how hard I fought the flow
That led me to you

Have I told you
You're part of the rain?
Pressing against me with
Lingering certainty.

Did you know I found you
In gilt fingerprints
I made?

You breathed in that dream, didn't you?
I did too.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Second yr admissions happened today. But of course I have to go back tomorrow to pay fees. Uhhhhhhhhhh!!!!Horrible room without any ventilation!
It doessn't help that I slept between the hours of 5 am and 8 am this morning....only. Had long talk with S online. Confusing, personal and very satisfying talk (scratches head, makes face, sighs).
Then I talked to Neha who of course wanted a re-hash of the S conversation(girlfriends i tell you). Then I decided to fill out my admission form. Between dancing around to 'fanaa' and thinking....it was 5 am when I turned out the light. Almost immediately, my cell-phone went off. Bizarre message from Debs.
All in all, sleep and I did not have a mutually satisfying, adult relationship last night.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Laa-ing in La La Land

I have been doing some serious calculations.

No. of days since I have kissed/been kissed: 767
No. of times I have danced to 'mera desh rangeela' in my room since yesterday: 19
No. of times I've looked at my cell-phone and sighed since yesterday: 1142
No. of times I've rehearsed different scenarios of what I'll say to S: 666
No. of hairs that sadly bade farewell to my head during my oil-massage: 102
No. of times I've logged into Google and Orkut since yesterday: 17

I have discovered the secret of un-boredom. Consider sleeping as a major activity.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Ok, so I nearly crashed into a wall while parking. It's the Society's fault for making parking spaces with Kate Hudson vital stats. I have my good moments with the car but Saturday morning traffic and a jabbering six-year-old in the back seat....I'd rather let Raju drive and feel useless.
I miss Samar. Totally absurd. The guy is an encyclopedia on classical music, Indian history, Indian epics and a bit of wildlife. He has no clue how to hug! Seriously!!! He's improved thanks to the tireless efforts of yours truly (it's purely altruistic of course). He talks on unbrokenly and...well...he isn't always the greatest listener. And yet, he's strangely accepting of my...um..less than sane moments. Sweet, exasperatingly literal and self-focussed. And such beautiful fingers.

Moving on from my fetish...
I GOT THE DISNEY ANIMATION BOOK. PRESENT FROM WICKED STEPMOTHER FOR MY RESULTS. Thank you thank you a million a times. I might even get a distinction next time. Hee.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Isn't it Loverly

Our housekeeper, 3 maids, gardener, the manager of our building and Raju are having a squall-competition in our defunct living-room over their Secret Moneymaking Scheme. I haven't the heart to tell them to shut up, as it is they consider me one of them.
Moving on...

After results yesterday, got plenty of phone calls from neighbours and relatives...and the Gestapo. They of course called from the U.S. Right in the middle of TnT and about 6 customers. Very happy they are, a bit disbelieving of course....'she is a weak student after all blah blah.' Dad did a salsa around the office, Shuchita cried with relief, Mum bought half of Nerja a round of drinks. My favourite great-aunt said 'phail korli naki?' I said 'na, first-class peyechhi.' She said, 'oi eki holo.' See why I love her!

TnT got a gorgeous book called 'The Illusion of Life.' It's basically the history of Disney. Did you know that Mickey's voice is Walt Disney's own? And that the artists actually sat for hours in front of mirrors experimenting with facial expressions before drawing them on characters?
I am marrying that book, since I can't afford it. The rest of you are allowed one affair each!

The nicest part of yesterday...nicer even than the meat-full dinner at La Dolce Vita...was Conversation with S. A good half-hour chat on the kitchen telephone with spooky echoes. Some personal, some 'Da Vinci Code'-ic type subjects were discussed. It was warm and comforting, lots of verbal hugs. I went to sleep smiling...and feeling smooth and defenceless. Maybe it was the combination of vodka, meat and tiredness. Maybe it was that it was night and everything, including my voice was quiet and shadowed. And yet so clear.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Yay

First Year results out. I have got a First Class. And enough to major in English. Yay!! Have been dashing off mails to all those who would want to know.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Our house is being re-modelled, all these days the computer sat, masked and taped...and looking. I have missed blogging. Writing hadn't stopped though. Another slight installment on 'Bookshop' has been scribbled.
A lot happened these last 2 weeks. I went to 'Not Just Jazz by the Bay' to hear Pink Noise and watch Jivraj play. I enjoyed it, sharp-edged, surprising music, some gorgeous guitar-work from Amyt. And I am so very proud of Jivraj.
Work started from the 16th. I have discovered blurry managerial skills in myself. Working with 2 new people who are set to be temporary is a revelation. Janaki's been away and Geeta and I have gotten even closer :) She's leaving at the end of June. I am setting aside a day of mourning before that so I'll be ok on her last day. Hopefully.
I have been terribly edgy with S. And I've been hiding. It's hard to be as tender with him as I'd like. But I'm concentrating on it. I've given myself license to be as devoted, overwhelming, affectionate as I like.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Please read this.

Thank you Trina, for constant inspiration.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Who's Gonna Drive You Home...

I went all the way to F.C. Road today via Range Hill and Ganeshkhind Road. For all non-Pune-iite readers....these roads are either clogged with traffic or having pipes laid or being concretised. And I managed to get my first real dent in the Ikon. We were caught in a red light, and there was a truck behind me. I didn't realize the car was shifting back and....OUCH!! I love beat-up vehicles....they look owned. The only thing is, Dad wrote the check for the car.

Vernen's coming over for dinner tonight. We're having scallop-noodles and possibly chilly-beef. Yes, Mrinalini...another expensive dinner...hee.

I 've been very disgruntled over The S Affair. I don't mind if he reads this, I hope he does, even though he probably wouldn't get it. I hate it when his attention shifts from me. But then, that's true of everyone I love obsessively and am not certain of. I just keep reminding myself that I wouldn't find him half as attractive if he didn't have so many interests and arguments.
There are a lot of niggles. A relationship must nourish as many needs as possible. And those that remain must either be compromised on, or find fulfillment elsewhere. Is that it?
I love S's body. The length of his fingers, his eyes from a distance, the whiteness of his skin on the upper arms, the way he clasps his hands while sleeping....
And I love that he brings out my quirks and my indulgent side. But there are so many sides which he will not bring out. To be in touch with all of me, it's important that I touch and am touched by new surfaces and depths. So I can change gears at will. Go along in second-gear even if the road's empty.

Friday, May 05, 2006

UHhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......I just want to curl up into one of my numerous cavities and never come out!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

One Hundred Hyphens in My Story.

I am nibbling on some unnamed-undoubtedly-sophisticated-cheese and gulping a very strong rum-and-coke. An unofficial celebration of my 100th post.

Meerambika and I celebrated the end of finals for 3 days. Day 1 was dinner at Malacca Spice. It's the sweetest restaurant with gorgeous sausage satay. That was followed by Monopoly-of-the-Dance-Floor-at-Fire N Ice. That is a disco in Pune. One of the most happening. We didn't know where it was. Then we ended up being the only ones on the floor...and not caring.
So that was us trying to be Cool-by-being-conventionally-Uncool.

Day 2 was a movie marathon. Basic Intinct 2, Hum ko Deewana kar Gayee and Being Cyrus. I had to re-build my aquaintaince with the multiplex. BI 2 is pretty good, if a bit overdone. Sharon Stone is all Watch-me-narrow-my-eyes-and- contract-my-clitoris-all-at-once. The plot is clean and well twisted. Whatisname comes nowhere near Michael Douglas. But fascinating insights into Sharon Stone's character.
No comment on the other two movies. 'Hum Ko...' because I was too busy passing 'i-am-too-smart-for-movies-with-more-than-three-songs' comments amd 'Cyrus' because I had to leave half-way for TnT.

Day 3 was lunch in Koregaon Park. Now, neither of us know the area and we both possess terrible senses of direction. We started out with fresh fruit juice at the German Bakery. This is a shack situated opposite the Osho Ashram. A popular health food joint, attracting the labels of hippies, junkies, Osho-ites and foreigners. It's also completely vegetarian so M and I decided to heigh our way onwards in search of meat. It was 2 pm, 37' C. We walked for about 24 minutes and entered a beautifully posh Italian restaurant. Sat down, scanned menu. Jerked our eyes up towards each other. Horror! Disbelief! It was all vegetarian! More dangerously, there were waiters and management personnel who looked capable of harpooning us with silver salad-forks if we left without ordering. So M got an orange juice, I got a Coke and we split a lemon cheesecake. And reached Dessert-Nirvana. It was smooth and rich and white. So bourgeosie and worth every bit of the 105 bucks we paid. We tried our best to be Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. But then, I was smoking Silk Cut. Wasn't my fault. Dad's out of station and I have no one to bum Classics from. We left with our flesh intact. Went to another restaurant. 'We serve Indian, Chinese, Continental', the sign proclaimed. We went in, sat, scanned menu. Slow, tired gazes met. Vegetarian. This time we actually left. There weren't any forks. It was 3:45. We walked for another 200 metres, came to the place we had heard of. It served meat, we had heard. We walked in, scanned menu, sat down. Ordered shredded lamb Szechuan style, chicken reshmi kebab. It was 4:00 pm. We talked of things only patient people can bear. Boys. Lies. Samar. Sex.
We checked out pretty girls.
And our celebration ended in an auto. Aching feet, Burnt skin. Happy.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Foresooth

Lazy laaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzyyyy days. Raju is being very nice about all my driving-related faux pas. Basically, it's always the other person's fault. TnT began on the 19th. New colleague to learn and discover. Our annual picnic is coming up on Sunday. We're going to Kamshet for an overnighter. The only boo-factor is that both Vernen and Samar have exams so I am woefully short of people whom I can climb all over.

I am currently reading 'Clive Avenue'. A very interesting insight into South-Indian culture and Chennai-vasis. Next up is Ruskin Bond's 'A Flight of Pigeons'. And Janaki is lending me 'Changing' which is Liv Ullman's autobiography and 'Shooting 'Water'. So yay for lots of reading. My Kolkata trip is hanging in the balance. My mashi, whom I usually stay with, will be in England shooting her very first movie (as a producer/director, not an actress). And there is no way I am re-entering GP-land. Anyway I shall know by this weekend. So please pray for me. I need Landmark and Park Street and TCS and Neha and Shakun.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Strange days. A lot of thought on my body. A lot of need from it. See, it hasn't been touched and pampered in nearly two years. All those two years came battering on my door a few days back. I told my friends I needed severely sexual touching. I cried. Tried to write. Everything I wrote looked small. I appeared to myself, in my body. I felt strong. My skin is scarred and reddened and stubbly. AndI love it. I have never been so confident as I was when sensory need was pushing me. I thought of burnt-orange flowers. I thought of his hands under my hair. Of the salty dampness that fingered my spine. I thought of his scent and his shape.
And I breathed.

Monday, April 03, 2006

The Blind River

Somewhere deep inside me
Is the mouth
Of a silent, red river
Weaned on twelve years
Of waiting.

Then my body reached
An estuary

And the river
Groped

It's blind way
Through secret channels...

Carving regions
Of pain

Seeking rest...

It flowed past
Averted eyes
Drained lips

It gathered
Where my flesh parts
Left traces
I tried to hide

I filled
With its edgy colour
It's salt
It's moan...

Friday, March 31, 2006

All the Loves of my Life...

Eeshaan: The smartest 5 yr old ever! A fan of Pink Floyd, The Rolling Stones, Queen and Mark Knopfler, Roald Dahl and Dr Seuss. Not to mention...a smile and eyelashes to die for. My favourite cuddlee...anywhere, anytime. Talks incessantly and is known for smart-ass comments. Once his aunt called him an ingrate; he called her 'an ingredient'. Is cutest while doing subtraction. Seriously.

Mrinalini: She is earth and moisture and light. When I have my own harem, she will be chief belly-dancer. She introduced me to theatre and to openness and awareness. The only one I really want to marry.

Mum: The most beautiful woman I know. I could have used her name instead of 'mum' but she would never have forgiven me. She takes pride in setting her identity to 'Tia's mother.' Ours is the most unconditional relationship I know. I see her once a year, usually during my birthday or Christmas. She's dimpled and curved and dances divinely. She makes sure I don't aspire to be like her just because we're related. She never tries to shape me.

Dr. Nandan: My sociology professor in 11th and 12th std.....and my friend and mentor for life. I remember the first time we met. The Cambridge School had just opened and students had been called in to give statements to the press. Everything and everybody was trying so hard to look new and shiny and correct. In the middle of all this, I saw a dark, bearded man with a 'jhola' come down the stairs. He wasn't trying at all. He just was the most palpable thing in the room. He's watched me cry without sympathising, let me be flighty without holding me down, let me sit on his table and talk of love and movement and writing and parents and grandparents...all without judging or even grimacing. He's all the way on the other side of the country, but some part of me is always steered by him.

Mr Winter: My creative-writing advisor and one of the people who got me up on stage. We're out of touch now, but he's watched me change as a writer and had the decency to be shocked :)

Jivraj: He's pampered, provoked, torn, patched and pulled my stitches apart. He taught me the power of the body and of touch and taste. Things have changed drastically between us, but he has never stopped believing in my ability to overcome bitterness.

Neha: One of my oldest friends. A trained Western dancer with a totally hot body. She started calling me 'babe' in 8th grade...back when I still got embarrassed. She recognized my excellence as a flirt long before I did. Vice-captain of her house in school, prefect extraordinaire and the toast of every function for her dancing...honey, you rock.

Shakun: No you're not less important than everyone else above you! She's been my best friend since we were about 9 years old. We bonded over Mrs Bilimoria, our elocution teacher who perpetually had a thorn up her ass. A bright-eyed lass with curly hair and an athletic body which refuses to accept fat. Of our Band of Three (Neha, Shakun and myself), Shakun is the most sporty. I've cheered her on in dozens of basketball games, throwball games and runs. She captained her house in school and is a bronze-medal winner at YMCA for the 100 m sprint. Shakun and Neha have watched me hack my hair into weird shapes, fall in love, fall out of it, start smoking, become cynical and struggle with it, slit my jeans because I was bored,. They've seen my focus shift, heard me whine and giggle....they've been part of it only if i ask them to.
When I need to hang on, they hold out everything. They let me fall in complete faith that I'll clamber back up.

Geetanjali: A hug-freak to equal myself. The clearest person I know, with energy and enthusiasm that overwhelms. A hardcore romantic without any opaqueness about her. She's one of my local mothers.

Janaki: One of the most well-informed people I know. Ask her anything on anything and she'll have it. TnT glows with her presence. And she's the World Authority on Bad jokes. Another of my local mothers.

Roshni: My partner-in-evil. My first vodka-shot, my first cigarette, my first visit to a disco were all with her. We both fell for the same guy, then dumped him and fell for each other. Only veerrrryyyyyyy slight exaggeration there :) She's studying in Missourie now and I miss her. All I have to remember her by are some photos, a pink comb and a thong. Sigh...

Debolina: I am realizing that all my girlfriends are incredibly hot. This one is currently living in Dubai with her first husband (sorry dee :)). Boyish, totally naive and completely loyal...she turns 21 today.

Shoie: My first cousin. We were bitter enemies at one point of time. Now she's 13, roly-poly, a bit of a LMG-freak but a joy. Fun, well-read, delighting in the ridiculous...one of my favourite companions.

Sayantoni: 8 days younger than me, and my aunt by distant relation :) Aurobindo Ashram was our favourite hang-out place in Kolkata. With amber skin and a wide, wide smile, a care-a-damn attitude combined with intelligence and tenderness, she's been my anchor through many a wreck.

Vernen: A sweetheart with no idea of polite distance. Vernen gets right into you and doesn't hold back himself. Unafraid of intimacy and utterly, utterly honest with beautiful people-skills....totally love him :)

Meerambika: My soulmate. Moody and a loner, we bonded over 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'. We share talk, silences, bad porn movies and constant complaints. Oh, and we both love Vernen :) :)

Samar: Very poor indeed...has only 2 golden retrievers, a jhoola and one sweater. Oh, and the appetite of T-Rex. Samar's a Classicist...by nature and by taste. He's my Hindustani music coach. I'm his Bodily Contact Coach. We have a very systematic relationship. We meet 2/3 times a week, i msg him 25 times a day and hit on him 3 times a week. I have never forgiven him for finishing all my chocolate eclairs from Kookie Jar. We love each others houses. Here, he plays the insufferable guest...ordering me around and eating incessantly and watching movies and rearranging my desk-top. I go to his house to meet Steffi and Lisa, the Golden Retrievers. I love the staircase in his house. Samar's my current sensual-feast.

Dad: Ok, this is a tough one. We've been fiends...sorry friends for 21 years. We've tried very hard to reform one another with absolutely no success. He once offered to get me pink, heart-shaped contact-lenses. He's nearly as stubborn as I am and we sleep in exactly the same positions. We've put up with a lot from each other....and finally, in some weird let-down of our legendary stubbornness, we've accepted one another. And believe me, that's an achievement. We might be closer to other people but I'm pretty certain no one is as accepting of us as we are of each other...

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Friend...
Let's talk in raindrops
Or vernacular glass-panes
Let's touch in clothes
Fragranced in many skin-scents
Let's linger in what we dreamt
Yesterday at dusk
Let's laugh like wrinkled, just-washed cotton
Patterned in ice-cream scoops
Let's taste
Like the very first story we ever heard
And the first time we felt water
Let's be chiffon
And coffee beans after smelling too many perfumes
Let's elevate to our bodies
And strip to our minds

Friend...
Let's be you, and me,
And us...

Saturday, March 25, 2006

DRONE

The worst kind of tiredness is when I feel I have accomplished nothing in my day. Learnt nothing, had no good communication, no purposefully completed goal...

And yet my day wasn't really a downer. I dropped E off at Janaki's house early this morning and had a peek at this new book on the making of 'Water' told in the perspective of a mother-daughter relationship. Janaki and I both relate completely and in completely different ways to mother-daughter books. I listened to Bangla rock with Dad, slept off and on and hung out with Samar all evening. We kicked, pillow-fought, watched snippets of different movies, had a conversational threesome with Mrinalini and then he gave me a classical music lesson. So...my role for the day was pretty much that of the Listener. Unopposing and dispassionate.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Driving has started again. With Raju, our beloved chauffeur at my side. I am definitely getting better even though my main problem remains that I don't like being in control for too long. But public transport and walking isn't as much fun in Pune as I remember in The City. Here, the beauty-spots are at least a half-hour's drive away. Pune University, Fergusson College....all haunts of Desperate Weight Watchers and Beauty Seekers. The campuses are enormous and thickly overgrown. Entire roads and crossroads are named after them. But they hold themselves aloof. Perhaps, falling in love is meant only for little lanes which lead to nowhere.

I would often walk from Hazra to Theatre Road in The City. School got over at 5:30..just between dusk and darkness. It was a straight route, filled with light and colour and smell. Each step heralded a different smell. Jasmine, oranges piled into a perfect pyramid, old books, new books, musk incense....that road and I became lovers. The heavy, City air clawed at my hair and lay in my skin. My feet stomped, tripped, touched and concentrated. There is a little lane behind Excide with a paan-shop, a deliciously-smelling roll-shop and a homeless woman.

There are two 'walkways' in pune I have made friends with. One is the lane leading up to our building (see post rubble). The other is the short-cut from Samar's house to Baner road. It's over a muddy, dug-up field. Both of these are un-named and unplotted. They're short, rough and haven't been pampered. Come to think of it, most of my friends are like that.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Way of a Staccato Speaker

Imagine being caught in mid-blink. Eyelashes frozen, quivering...eyes staring in desperation.

That's how I speak. I have ideas, delighting in their form, anecdotes that may bring us closer, observations waiting to make a difference...
But I will stumble mid-sentence...mid word. My breath will break into pigeon-hole syllables. My tongue will shrivel, my mouth fills up with irregular moisture.

They gave me reasons. The divorce, the change-over from left-hand to right-hand, insecurity, nerves.
I believed all of them. And then stopped.
I went to therapy. To speech pathologists. I did exercises o regulate my breathing and relax my muscles. I suppose they helped.
I don;t like to read aloud. But I gave a book-reading for 50-odd people. I gestured, stuttered, panted through it. A teacher came up to congratulate me. I told her it had taken guts. I'm not sure I didn't mean that literally.
I sometimes twist my words so as to avoid the pitfall alphabets. 'm', 't', 'b', 'k'. I talk best when I'm drunk, when I'm sick and when I'm sleepy. I've develped alternative means of communication. Writing, gestures, touch. I've given recitations and done theatre with all my love.

My world consists of those who mimic and those who understand. Those who ask and those who avert. Those who listen with sympathy...and those who just listen...

Monday, March 13, 2006

Going on

Exams up from the 28th...a fact I'm blithely ignoring. Finally finally had a chat with Roshni. It's not the same as hearing her hilly voice going 'tarpor jaboi na nakee?' with an extra-high note on those last 2 'e's. ' It rubbed off on me about a month after knowing her.

It's been raining off and on for the past three days and there's been an energetic wind. And I have been lusting. For Calcutta, for deliberate talk and silence on fierce, grey afternoons, for breathlessness and black-and-white movies, for a graceful, curving branch of wet, white bougainvillea...

Janaki, Akash and I listed some of our fascinations yesterday.
Mine are walks, water, alliteratives and touch.
Akash's are film, books, music and children
Janaki's are highways, rivers, elephants and children.

I'd like to know yours...

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Tales of Long Ago

It's been a long no-blog zone but I can explain. Shuchita had chicken-pox and unfortunately the computer is in her room. So for two weeks, I had to be contented with poking my nose round the door and sending silent, amorous messages to the computer. Ah, but such torture is not to be borne.
I had a very nice 21st birthday. It was ushered in at midnight with champagne, good Pune-iite friends and my dad reminding me that I wasn't grown-up enough to 'do things without his permission.' I've got lovely presents, including Worldspace Radio from TnT and Sumitra, 'Anna Karenina' from Samar (which he's bugging me to read so i can pass it on to him), a totally bohemian statuette of a Red Indian from Prithvi, 'Eats, Shites and Leaves' by A. Parody and a book on literary criticism from Ankush and a very curvy vase from Meerambika. From Dad and Shuchita...a giant teddy bear, a scrabble-board and dictionary (yeah), solitaire earrings (yes, my dears) and pretty skirts. So that's my hoard.
I'm planning to buy 'Collected Short Stories' of Tennessee Williams and Huxley's 'Brave New World'. 'The Old Man and His god' by Sudha Murthy sounds pretty good too.
Janaki had a serious talk with me yesterday evening. More on that, though, when it's better crystallized.
Shuchita and E are going to Calcutta on Friday for a week. I completely envy them. It's months since I touched my city. I miss it most on warm evenings when there's a breeze and everyone looks eagerly out at the moving leaves, pretending it's nothing but knowing that only that slow movement breaks the gauntness of humidity. But then there's a click and the picture has been stored. I must return to my adopted city....one of many.

Friday, February 17, 2006

There was severe voltage fluctuation in our house for the last few days which resulted in our computer, our washing machine and my DVD player blowing up all at once.
Shuchita and I are running the Oscar race. We've planned to watch all the movies nominated for Best Picture. So far I've only seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' Lush visuals and matter-of-fact homosexuality is what I've processed so far.
I had a beautiful Valentine's Day. I attended a Philosophy lecture on euthanasia, learnt that my French oral had got postponed, heard S and Prithvi sing, felt happy and warm, went to Apache and had gorgeous cheese sandwiches and this cocktail called Go 2 Hell, got vaguely high, cuddled with Varun and Prithvi, had a good sale at TnT, cuddled with S and Geeta and walked a bit with the moon.
7 years ago on Valentine's Day, I was in Lake Gardens...wearing a pink, satin Barbie nightie, my bed a nest of pillows so I was propped up enough to look out of my window and see the road lit weirdly with moonlight.
2 years ago, I was on a couch... a body I loved kissing and touching me with minimum fuss.
This year, I looked it in the eye, shrugged and celebrated.
I managed to whack S across the mouth with a book while trying to hug him. He pretended to bleed, but it didn't happen and he finally bought 'Where God was Born' for 417 bucks. S and I abuse each other a lot. I like talking about him and hearing about him. I like talking to him and listening to him (the latter happens more frequently). I hug him a lot and he's ok with the bodily contact. I like touching him and hearing him sing. I say a lot of sarcastic things about him with complete dishonesty. He's someone I know a little and would like to know a lot.
I've been thinking about him a lot lately and I wanted this no-frills polysection.

I'm reading Amit Chaudhuri. 'A Strange and Sublime Address' is beautiful. Calcutta leaps and runs screaming ahead of the reader leaving behind intense sensation. I've moved on to 'Afternoon Raag' now. Left is 'Freedom Song.'

Thanks to Geeta and S, I have started listening to classical musician Amir Khan. I never liked classical music. But Amir Khan gives me images. Leaves rolling in mud. Pleas for deliverance. Mirror images of two women at sunrise. It is poetry. Repetition adds to the intensity. These are people who don't need words in their music. Technical perfection is their medium of expression and it's a passion.

Good night.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I'd like to say I'm sorry. So so sorry. But it doesn't cover it. Nothing does.
A few weeks ago, the father of one of our regular customers died. I was shocked. I remember telling someone that death had 'never really touched me.' There is such a thing as fate. And I have gone too far in mocking it. I was disturbed, but briefly. It was a first for me.
Today, three members of my family are gone. Murdered. It's as though death is 'touching' me in degrees. I cried for the first time over a death. Felt so terrified. Helpless.
When I heard of the death of our customer's father, I was alarmed at my own reaction. I had never faced it before, and i was afraid that when someone close to me died, I would not be able to face it.
I was right.I don't want any more 'touching.' I am scared.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Today was 'Sari and Tie Day' in college. Some of the girls wore ties and looked truly beautiful. The rest of them wore saris and jingled and preened and squealed at each other. I like wearing saris, but only if I can run around barefoot in them. I detest high-heeled shoes, with the exception of my boots. Another disadvantage of a sari is that I love bike-rides and I can't sit sideways on a bike.
On the topic of shoes, you'll see me in my black, leather, ankle-length boots or in bright-red Oshos. I have a pair of purple, leather slip-ons with clunky, brass buckles which I love but hardly wear. I have one pair of formal stillettoes which cause my feet to scream in protest. I wear them for drunken dancing.
My father has 'the adult version of chicken-pox' and is under house-arrest for a week. He isn't a good patient, becomes deliberately pathetic. Unfortunately, none of us have had any version of chicken-pox so we're all experiencing psychological itching.
I had one of those evenings where my lips felt too dry to smile. Everytime I tried, it was just a horizontal crack across my face. My reviews are reading stale. Thank goodness for Geeta and Vernon who hugged it all away.

Monday, January 30, 2006

No work today and I'm looking forward to cuddling with my quilt, eating an obscene number of hajmolas, reading Meg Cabot and maybe having a huge meat n cheese sandwich in the evening.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Terms of Endearment

There is this one colleague of mine who totally repells me. I mean I actually shudder if he walks towards me. Don't ask me why...it could be a lot of subjective, stupid stuff...or nothing at all.
I am a total reverse sexist. I like dark-skinned women and fair men and this guy has the exact colouring that I hate. There are total scummies I will love obstinately and there are perfectly harmless people I hate.
This girl in college for instance. She has lovely, smooth, cocoa skin. I can't stand her. Ok, she does fling her wet hair around a lot and she nods incessantly like a Bobo doll. I call her Noddy!
So anyway I have a meeting with this colleague tomorrow after lectures. He's had a bad couple of days and I guess he needs an ear....or a rebound relationship. I can't provide the latter and i don't want to provide the former. He uses the phrase 'you should' a lot. Ah well, all my years as a professional, personal-listener will stand me in good stead.
Alternatively I could empty the pepper-canister over him and escape.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I have several really painful pustules on my face, I haven't had a good conversation in the last 36 hours.

Intensity is perfect focus.
I do not like sitting around looking out at the street or stare at a TV screen or bob my head to indifferent music. I want purpose and I'm not choosing to find it. I want to rub my eyes hard and smudge the carefully drawn kajol lines. I do not want to chill. I want to feel my body breaking the homogeneity of the air surrounding it. I want to feel the air closing in, strangling relentlessly.
I want force. I want to be a force. I'm living in the pages of an Ayn Rand novel am I? Can I be a pin-point? Can you gather all my hair in one hand and force my head back...all in a second?

Monday, January 16, 2006

Quote

"But then they danced down the street like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!""
Jack Kerouac

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to present a post on vulnerability and expectation.

Today I was hurt very badly by someone I realized I care about. Someone I'd like to be tender and special to. I went through the motions of pretending it was ok, then admitted I was affected but that I would be ok, deciding to be cold and unresponsive and then deciding to give the person another chance. I admitted that the main reason I came to the concluding decision is because I have handled all such situations with passivity. I dislike confrontation. I prefer withdrawal.

The pain was hard and almost made me cry. But it passed. I make sure it always does. It has left a nasty aftertaste in my mind and I know I will be less open and adoring with this person. I've thought 'Why must this always happen to me?' and all that other conventional pain-jargon. But then that's passed too. I'll choose to give over to my moods and see what happens.

Thank you.

Friday, January 13, 2006

How 'Indian' is Ray?

Check this out. It's a very interesting perspective on Satyajit Ray.
Thanks Mum :)

I was horrible to S yesterday. Judgemental and bitchy. The alternative was to be intensely loving. Quiet.
I'm not going to ask why I did it.
I want S to.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

There's someone I'd like to get to know. Sensually, verbally, intimately. 'I like your sudden smile, the slow, disproportionate, unabashed way you move,' I'd like to say. Yesterday I imagined the beeping tone of the phone connecting us after we hung up. Because we both softened our screaming, crimson images, allowing indigo interaction to spill over.
I sense the childishness and the child-likeness. The former is your uncluttered perception, the latter your candour. You glow among dusty melodies and categorize ruthlessly. 'I'd like to hear you sing,' I tell you.
Much about you is black. Unknown. Uncompromising. A square. A clam.
I like you because you fit my requirements. And because you don't.
But while I keep these things in mind, I promise to remain open to your changing. And to give you your time, and mine.

I've never really thought about my relationship with E. The only certainty I follow in it is that the word-concept of 'step' should be banished. At 5 years and 7 months, he is a confident, inquiring boy who frantically demands attention. I remember when I first heard that I was going to have a sibling....I was indifferently accepting. No anger or insecurity. I expected nothing from my father. It was another thing I took in stride.

I went to the hospital a few hours after he was born. Baba wanted to name him Bhombolnath!! I think it almost went on the birth certificate. I don't remember what I felt on looking at him. This huge bundle of flesh with a ready smile (even then) and memories he had already forgotten. They moved to Pune and I visited frequently. I loved E's physical form. Even after his baby-fat was lost, his face remained round, his eyes huge with inch- long lashes, his smile sudden. With my propensity to touch, we bonded physically and quickly.

Now we're flat-mates and have been roomates for the past 3 weeks. He's loud and can be bratty. He loves touching me. He likes shurshuri. He talks too much. Blood-ties hold no significance for me. I like him because I can listen to Bob Geldof and Mark Knopfler with him. Because he likes hugging. Because I now have someone to watch cartoons and Disney movies with. We share a house, a room, a father. We're possessive of each other.
I think we're ok.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Lost and Tagged

Sorry M, you tagged me over a month ago and I haven't gotten around to doing it. And I confess I'm doing it now because I'm at a complete loss.

7 things I plan to do

Polish up my driving

Keep my word to Geetanjali and write a book for her within this year

Join dance classes (preferably Latino)

Finish 'Bookshop'

Get the highest marks in English in my March exams

Let my hair grow (might change my mind on this one)

Be brave in all my decisions


7 things I can't do

Sit on a bike sideways

Sleep alone on a big bed

Resist my brother

Not get sentimental while listening to oldies

Not touch

'Be with' people long-term

Not listen to Bob Geldof singing 'I don't Like Mondays.'


7 things I say quite often

Listen.....

Array na

EESHAAN STOP THAT!!!!

I don't think so

kirom ekta jano

Mmmmmmmm

That is just not on

Sunday, January 08, 2006

There are 10 people staying in the house now. I do not like houseguests for longer than a week. And these ones...the grand-relation types....are good for asking nosy questions and generally getting on ones nerves. You get to hear good old family-stories but...........I hate being under so many eyes. It's so different on stage. I've loved every one of my short stints with theatre.
I am fully aware of every movement I make, conscious of dozens of eyes watching me. And I love the power it gives me. But there the lines are rehearsed. Silences in theatre add to performance-power. I've had silences like that off-stage too. Fraught with feeling so palpable that it touches my mouth and dries my lips. A moment of terror for those who back away from untoward emotion.

We celebrated Janaki's birthday at Green Park yesterday. I rode in the dicky of the Qualis singing 'Que sera sera.' We had an open log-cabin to ourselves with water falling all around and perched over a pool. The music was terrible but we had fun and I took lots of photographs. Vernon and I talked about a lot of things....misguided feelings, the reproductive habits of mer-people, acceptance, flexibility, why I couldn't go on the slide and other such profound topics. I was too restless to really taste what I ate. I basically ran around sampling from everyone and tickling Nandini and threatening Samar with instant drowning. Then I photographed everyone over dessert, with cream all over their mouths.
As of now we're trying to come up with an indecent, Bengali nickname for E. We've come up with Buju, Pocha and....on his own suggestion....Nothing. Suggestions are welcome.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

already??

My 31st was pretty cool. All my nice Pune-iite couple friends came over with their kids. Janki, my beautiful boss gave me this book called 'The Map of your Mind.' Dad and Shuchita have gone to Kiva's which is a hip lounge-bar, the rest of the house slumbers. A colleague has emotionally commissioned me to start and finish a book and present it to her on 31/12/06. So I truly have incentive this year.
I am definitely polishing up my driving by the end of this month.

Hope y'all have a very intimate, very personal, very passionate 2006.
Love

Rubble

There is a narrow, winding lane leading up to our building. It is raw and rude, refusing to be called a driveway. On both sides of this lane, there was once subtly hilly, overgrown land. A shortcut to our hill. Home to rats, snakes and such. Now, on one side there is major IT-hub construction happening. Trucks, lorries, cranes filled with brick and cement and other such necessary hardnesses roll up and down the lane and like to park themselves so that no other vehicle may get past. The creatures who had made their homes in the soil now seek human company through the medium of drainpipes and open balcony-doors.
On the other side are makeshift shanties where the builders live. They are fleshless. The women wear heavy, gold bangles, nose-rings with chains and clusters of earrings. They lift piles of materials and deposit them into shape. Their hands are dusty and unafraid. The men are not resigned to their livelihood. Yet they work tirelessly as if saying...one more brick in place...and maybe I can think of a different life. They look tired of this tireless hoping.
I usually walk up the lane around 9:30 at night. Rickshawwallahs in Pune are not known for their industriousness, especially at night. Sometimes there is a watchman positioned about 1/4 up the lane. Sometimes there is emptiness for the first half. I hear a radio in one of the workers homes. I hear a Bengali curse-word and half-turn. There are at least 9 children living in those shanties. They are in constant danger of being run over. At night they are stowed away. As I near our building, the lane is slightly uphill. My breath fragments. I see lights from the shanties. I hear comments about my body. Sometimes there is silence and just before I reach our gate, I feel eyes on me. I enter a void with the eyes on either end and my choice is to be intensely scrutinised or to be erased.
I have been told that the lane is not safe. It shuts out the hills and exposes me to blue-collar sensibilities.
But the two-minute walk is potent. And it's my only way home.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Woke up with a horrifuck cold and aching head. My nose is still leaky and I have a Christmas party at Tnt this evening where I have to be painfully chirpy. Met Ankush for coffee on Wednesday. We have to meet once every 2 months or so since we both suffer from the Syndrome of Acute Randomness. I tried to steal another of his shirts (he was carrying this huge pile of freshly-laundered clothes) but he wouldn't let me :(

I picked up some Penguin Pocket Classics at th TnT sale. Currently am reading 'Summer in Algiers' by Camus. I'm also half-way through 'Conscience Deluded' which is a gorgeous collection of stories by Russian women. I recommend all books published by Kali which is the first publishing house run by women in India. Look out for 'Relationship' which is a series of letters between writer Nayantara Sehgal and E.N. Mangat Rai.

I've been meaning to write about some Bernardo Bertolucci movies I saw in Cal this time. 'Last Tango in Paris' and 'Stealing Beauty.' I didn't watch them with as much care as I should have, but what I noticed was that there is no mere object in his movies. Everything has a purpose, a reason for the camera to slither around it, caress it, worship it. Everything is raw, thrown open. Nothing is too sacred for the camera...in fact it is the camera that makes it all sacred with its touch. I loved them.

Enough name-dropping. Aami ghoom dite jachhi.

Monday, December 05, 2005

The Advertising Slogan Generator

Only a Fool Breaks the Ahana. Moms Like You Choose Fcuk.
Choosy Mothers Choose Ahana! The Dirt says Hot, The Label says Oh Man.
Just One Ahana - Give It To Me! Death Is Our Middle Name.
Where Do You Want Ahana To Go Today? Ahana - It Looks Good on You.
Dude, You're Getting a Laabh! Sixpence. It's What's For Dinner.

The Infinite Teen Slang Dictionary

Ahana (adj.) likely to shout at school."Check out my Ahana pet animal!"

The Infinite Teen Slang Dictionary

Dr Unhemlich's Disease Registry

Bad luck! You are suffering from Ahana's Syndrome.
Cause: bee sting
Symptoms: embarrassing noises, bulging eyes, gastrointestinal bleeding, vague leg pain
Cure: electroshock therapy

All you diseased people click here

The Prior-Art-O-Matic

Ahana: Ahana is a toothbrush! It makes amusing belching noises.

Get yours here.

NOW HEAR THIS!!!

Today I walked into an enormous room and fell in love. There were rows to choose from. Some winking coyly, others rugged and deep. I turned to one only to nuzzle another only to breathe in a third. I wanted them all. But I am fickle. One intense session of attachment and love-making and I am done. There are few I can return to. Ah well. I should get used to it.
I never was a book-virgin anyway.

P.S. A confession. I went to the Indian Classical Music section first. Grinning to myself the whole time. Fuck, it's fun having a crush!!

?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!

So another cop-turned-rapist article in today's newspaper. Reaction: People will draw their womenfolk closer to home and remind them of their vulnerability. Plenty of outrage from feminists. Marches and walks and awareness campaigns all waving signs saying 'FOR WOMEN.'
Just a question here. Who are the men we are generally warned about? The driver, the construction worker, the security guard...the blue-collar public. How much of this awareness reaches out to them? If it's education that colours the collar, why not educate them? In fact, why not educate all men-folk? What's the root of rape? Making a patriarchal point? Repressed sexual urges?
I want to know. I want to know if rape is a clear, concise 'to-do' in a man's brain or a reflexive assertion of his superiority. I want to know why, if women are shedding the burden of being silent, men cannot see past centuries of drummed-in culture. There are women who have stood up and said 'I have been raped. It is wrong and I want justice.' Is there a man who will stand up and say 'I have raped. It is my right and I want it legalized?' They don't care if it's legally wrong. Would they say it's traditionally right? What's their story? Women feel defiled, humiliated according to sexual norms. Does the rapist feel satisfied, secure as per his 'maleness' requires him to? I don't know if there's a woman alive who would say she enjoyed being raped. Are there men who think-'Well if one can express anger, frustration, hunger, insecurity, need...all through the penis....why not?'
The ones we're warned against probably don't read newspapers or slogans. The ones we're not warned against probably do. But nobody talks.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

I walked away:

A blue shirt
where the collar leaned into
jasmine skin

A little green bulb
Bleeding racous beats
Sawing into sound-proof corners

The gleam of razored sunlight on railroad tracks
I heard the hiss, saw steam
Remembered...

I walked away
With heavy arms
And a breath I could not exhale.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Finally in touch with Roshni! I was really wondering if she'd taken one look at the college...or maybe been accosted by the head of the ISU...and decided to become a dog-trainer in Alaska.
All she says is that she missed me the night before last and that it is snowing where she is. Wherever she is!!!
I'm getting increasingly itchy as my time in Spain comes to an end. My only purpose has been to spend time with my mother...and it is a very nice purpose. I don't want it to end. My mum has grown to be the only person in my life who does not want to shape it. Being apart for almost 4 & 1/2 years has taught us both the importance of small doses. Neither of us are inclined to 'live with.' Aloneness is too fragile, to possessive. And therefore I fight passively against learning to 'be with.' The one choice I made when my brain had prickly heat. I am rude and rowdy and apathetic towards those who might have mattered. I had no conditions for togetherness. Perhaps that is why I now feel the expected conditions pressing on me. Familiarity. Disabled conditions that will allow me to be the saviour. A struggling rag of the 'prince-charming' concept. And above all a need for complete independence from need.
Hugs to those who have loved me/become victims of my ignorance.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

I won a prize for Arithmetic in Kindergarten. 'The Musicians of Bremen'...a Ladybird Classic. What I remember most is the word 'Arithmetic' written inside on a card. In broken letters. My love for addition and mental multiplication came up to that word.
Later, when my marks decided that English was to be my chosen path, that I was perpetually the best arranger of words on paper...I did not flinch. I who forever shrugged off labels no matter what the cost, accepted that the written word would be my facist hacksaw, would chop pieces out of me, hang menacingly over my head if I dared to pull away. I chose to choose to obey.
Then came the phrase 'just words'. I foolishly ignored it and down swooped the Dementor Dictator. Just words....JUST words, just WORDS, it was said with a shrug, with palms outstretched signifying disregard, helplessness, comfort...the 'just' with soft stress on the 'j' or the 's', 'words' amplified as much as possible. When I ignored it, I had the pleasure of mass-understanding, once I singled it out, I didn't know what to do with it.
My 16-out-of-20 and 21-out-of-25 marked essays, my mawkish, over-sentimental journals, the fragmented scribbles I consider my forte....words.
Expression, medium, language.....words.
Arithmetic didn't bring me to addition and mental multplication. They brought me to 'arithmetic.'
When I touched the keys of a piano, I thought of the word 'touch.' I couldn't listen to classical music because there were no lyrics. Then I started making up music-word associations and writing them down.
I had 'lyrics' for every composition I heard. When I played, I thought of 'precision' and 'wrinkles.' I loved my 'metronome.'
I don't love words because they give me images. I love images when they give me words.

Now, every situation, no matter how personal is story-material. Not for marking. For arranging and playing with words. I love word-ambigrams. I adore the tight, toxic distance I have with a guy I love because I can juggle adjectives about it.

:)
'smile'

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Masquerade

Are we really happy with this lonely game we play,
Looking for the right words to say?
Searching but not finding -- understanding anyway,
We're lost in this masquerade.
Both afraid to say we're just too far away
From being close together from the start.
We try to talk it over, but the words got in the way
We're lost inside this lonely game we play.
Thoughts of leaving disappear each time I see your eyes,
And no matter how hard I try
To understand the reason why we carry on this way
We're lost in this masquerade.
We try to talk it over, but the words got in the way
We're lost inside this lonely game we play.
We're lost in a masquerade.
And we're lost in a masquerade.

- George Benson

If Albee had been a romantic....'Virgina Woolf'...might have been thus shaped.

I bought 'Unless' by Carol Shields today. Paid a ghastly amount for it but since I was locked out of the house...and consequently out of my half-read material...
I'm half-way through it and it typifies my reading preferences. Plentiful use of metaphors, some form of intense, psychological 'wrongness' and for all its rich verbosity...strangely matter-of-fact. Seriously, in most of the books I read either someone ages backwards, or sits on a street corner wearing nothing but a sign reading 'goodness' or whatever.
I also have this thing for extra-marital stories, instances being 'The Bridges of Madison County', 'Lolita', 'The Maid's Request'. The first is a bitter-slightly-sweet romance, the second a gorgeous narrative on obsessive romantic and sexual ideals and the third is a silent, attentive awareness between an ageing artist and his maid...apparently having tangential reference to Da Vinci.
The anonymity of these relationships attracts me. They are extra-marital sometimes in the sense that neither party is married, sometimes where one is or one marries merely to be close to the real object of desire. I abhor unfaithfulness and not even in 'Bridges' is that word mentioned. It isn't glossed over either and it pleases me that neither character refers to marriage while discussing the outcome of their own relationship.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Another day in Nerja with lots of meat and cheese and alcohol. The local cigarettes really suck. I am as yet receiving e-mails which promise to increase the size of my penis by 3". Perhaps the senders are eminent psychologists who are convinced that I am suffering from an extended Electra complex.

I just checked out some artwork by Dave Mckean. Let me confess that I am no art connoisseur. I find images in words and am rarely able to do the reverse which is probably why symbolic art attacts me. I love swirls and shapes and wonky stuff. Mckean is wonky. Scary-wonky. I was looking at some images he created for the Skybox Master series. I'm putting up the link so have a look. My personal favourites are The Bee-Giver and The Scary Man.
Adios.

Friday, November 04, 2005

The room was tiny,dimly lit by red-shaded lamps, inhabited by several Vague Human Characters. I was seated on a chair attached to the top of a steel pole about 8 feet high. My head touched the ceiling and when I looked up, it too was steel and my reflected face was huge and puffy, daubed with soot. All I could distinguish was a little, white scar cutting into my right eyebrow.
The VHC's asked me why I was there. I told them it was to make up for being with other people the rest of the time. They never looked at me or at each other...instead they looked at the reflections in the ceiling.
I had no shoes on...my feet were wrapped in dirty, mummy-like bandages and then re-wrapped in sheets of steel. The chair was a swivel, but it only worked when I looked upward at my reflection. The faster I spun, the more the VHC's disintegrated. Or at least their reflections did. My own face blurred. All except for the scar.
Sometimes it looked like a fingernail.
I decided it was a foetus.
My fingers were smooth, polished steel as I raised my hand to stroke it. The eyebrow curled and grew moist around them.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Hola de Espagna

Apart from nearly being arrested in Paris, I managed to reach Malaga without too many hitches. Had my first meal at Oh Calcutta! last night. Lovely mussels and some version of an Italian stew and chocolate mousse. As of now I am wrapped in a woolly pink robe having my hair vigorously towel-dried by Mum.

Nerja seems an idyllic paradise. The only businesses here are shops, restaurants and bars with the odd bank thrown in. No hotels...instead people rent apartments or cottages for vacations. This is actually my second trip here, but the first doesn't really count. I left 98% of me in Calcutta that time. This time I'm here completely. The strange thing is that there's no consciousness of being 'away.' Last time I gazed at the sea, upon sunsets. I gloried in soaking in the bathtub (which I still consider the ultimate luxury). I was the ultimate tourist. Ok, I didn't have any paella and this time I've deigned to 'be introduced to the fine art of wine-drinking' which I vetoed last time....but it's completely casual. No thrill at flying 11 hours or being on the Continent. I might as well be the bored businessman next to me on the flight who spent his entire time reading the Wall Street Journal and making copious notes on his air-sickness bag.
This time my thrills come from the electric mattress-heater in my bed, being put to sleep by Mum...oh and Mum's new pink-framed glasses.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

A Toast

To J...and all the possibilities you are.
Congratulations!

Friday, October 28, 2005

The Sibling Diaries

E (kissing me on my temple) : I kissed your brains. Now you'll do well in your exams.

Me: You might have done this a week ago. My exams just got over.

E (thinking it over) : You'll have more exams won't you?

A minute later.

E: Tia Didi, I'm making my own skateboard. If you don't disturb me I won't disturb you.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Ode

I love my feet. I mean really love them. They're clean and size 5 with short, uneven toe-nails. The veins show up clearly and there's nearly always a blister on the little toe. The heels are usually dry. I've given up wearing nail-polish and now they just look strong and well-used. And they've served me pretty well so far. They've kicked vulnerable male genitalia, walked on mud, animal excreta and the roads of Pune...all while wearing shoes that are the opposite of polite.
I've been decorating them a lot of late. Right now I have a pair of thin, silver anklets and of course my magic toe-ring in which resides the wise, two-headed elephant-genie. Thank you again, Pigwidgeon!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Question: How do things stop mattering?

I went pujo shopping yesterday and finally bought some skirts. One outfit is totally Bunty aur Babli...or in dad's words 'jhakkas'. Anyway they're both lovely and I'm in one right now. I'd almost forgotten what it was like not to have my legs separated by layers of denim...and more recently in cotton linen. Feel skin on skin.
I'm getting 'short-tempered' according to my co-worker. I do blow off steam on him. Hee.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

This was an exercise at the NSD workshop last December.
We were asked to lie down, close our eyes and concentrate. Music was playing. Sitar and drums. We had to let it penetrate us completely, let images build up. I saw the sea. I was deaf and dumb but I knew there was music playing. I was desperate....to speak, to let out. The music grew higher, I knew it did. I felt it breathing, tugging at my silence. Insisting that I wasn't in bondage.

Later, we had to perform those images.
I know my voice quivered....I know I cried.
I don't know how it ended...

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I started taking a mock-S.A.T online last night to keep myself awake since I was working on 'Bookshop'. It was going pretty well...and then my consistent computer pulled its usual stunt and I had to shut down. I intend to keep going though, even if it's in fits and starts. And i'll post a new 'S.A.T word' each day:) Shaunak is absolutely right...my vocabulary really is pathetic for someone who claims to love words.

'Bookshop' is getting tricky. I've been trying to create a link on my blog, but my PC doesn't seem to want to. But there is a murder at the end and i like the way I've started building up to it verrrry subtly. Also, my protagonist does not have a gender so no pronouns. Hee. I am a terribly lazy writer. I'm at my best at night, and I'm perfectly willing to give up on sleep and college isn't a problem but I simply can't go into work half-dozy. I have less than a month so wish me luck.

I watched 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' and loved it. It could have been a litle better edited, but then I watched it in halves. Anyway, the concept was ephemeral and radical so yay!

Mum's down with laryngitis and Shuchita is laid up with a slipped disc and Jivraj has viral fever which Mrinalini calls dengue!! Such preposterous goings-on.

S.A.T word: ameliorate(v): to relieve,as from pain or hardship

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

somethings

Did you know that.......

. I like to read chick lit?
.My lips curve inwards while holding a cigarette?
. I don't like the taste of alcohol?
. I get a faster buzz from one cigarette than a 60 ml shot of vodka?
. I know someone who has a toothbrush which has the exact shades of blue and white as the cover of the centennial edition of 'Atlas Shrugged'?
. I act out most of the scenes and situations that I write?
. I am a monster of solitude?
. I succeeded in pushing someone away?
. I drink scalding, black coffee when I'm angry?
. I love gypsy clothes?
. I am fiercely competitive regarding speed and English marks?
. I can consume 2 packets of Lays Magic Masala and 2 packets Kurkure Red Chilli Chatka in a day?
. I believe I would make a marvellous burglar?
. I love J because he is so many possibilities?
. I smell naturally like my dad?
. I love shurshuri?
. There are 6 people who I don't mind calling and receiving calls from?
. I am hopelessly in love with our mini vacuum-cleaner?
. I do get tired of listening and I do need to talk long and very slowly and there are very few people I can be honest with about it?
.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

I'm in the mood for late-night talk and there's no one around and no one I can call.
I'm standing on the precipice of possibility and staring down into the abyss of hopelessness.

Did you know that I love Disney movies and i love 'Terminator'? Both are so relentless.

Tiffany....thanks so much for your appreciation. I'm sure you'll create a wonderful blog. Please do keep contact.
Love.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

No Full Stops in....

I have just devoured a huge chocolate bun from Just Baked and am realizing that while the shop is pretty small everything it stocks is outsize and though the cream was a little stale it was delumpcious and scrumplicious ( read all the secret seven books if you don't know these words, they appear in one of them hee) and I am nursing it down with a glass of Amul Buttermilk which I recommend highly to anyone who is tired of aerated drinks and juices and I watched 'Lost in Translation' and 'School of Rock' yesterday and liked them both a lot especially the first scene of the former yes I know it shows Scarlett Johansson's pink panties but I think it's a beautiful shot and why do we speak of panties in the plural when we usually wear one and I loved Bill Murray's dry, wry humour and i think Scarlett has this heavy, decided beauty no not just in the first shot and I have become a total 'Salaam Namaste' groupie having watched it 3 times and having bought the audio cassette and dowloaded the ringtones of 2 songs and Mrinalini, Jivraj and Dipto are coming for a visit in December and now I've made it official in writing and I haven't used the phrase 'most probably coming' so now they'll have to come HAH but really if I can't go to Calcutta and TCS, let them come to me and I read 'Diddi' by Ira Pandey and it's ever so gentle and flowing and beautiful and I'm sending it to Thammi and sending 'The Oxford Illustrated Corbett' for Dadu and while I was looking for the books I realized how little I think of them and who they are and what they like and that you can't buy a book for a stranger even if it's for inspiration and comfort and I got all emotional and I got a lovely face and head massage and i don't care if my skin glows and my hair grows at the speed of light all i really cared about was being touched and i hadn't realized how starved i was nor why i was writing so much about it and it was cathartic and my obsession with physical touch is...what do you suppose it is?

Saturday, September 10, 2005

I read a nice quote today. 'Nostalgia isnt what it used to be'. That'll go up in my room along with 'supernatural' and 'the mouse's lamentation' and Ankush's drawing.

I'm almost through 'Atlas Shrugged' and have been reading it in wonder and total infatuation. The desperate fight against mediocrity, the refusal to 'settle' is beautiful. Precision has received its reward in the book. It's so convincing that I'm not even shocked at how my love for the blurry, the undefined and the intangible is wavering.

Certainty stems from innocence. There is no power greater than the ability to choose.

As of now I'm reading 'Fountainhead', 'Babyji' by Abha Dawesar, Radiance of Ashes by Cyrus Mistry, The Boyfriend by R.Raj Rao and Mapping the Edge by Sarah Dunant.
I read 'Pig' by Andrew Cowan and loved it. Coming of age stories leave so much of scope for both the writer and the reader.

I'm working on a story called 'Bookshop'. I am sapped of eagerness and haven't chosen to recharge.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Mi said 'Loving and relating are not the same thing'.

Yashar said 'We say we see the light, but we do not realize that we see only because the light is there'.

I said 'We all need to be screwed with skill and consideration...but we also need to be on our own'.

Dave Matthews says 'GRAVEDIGGERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!'



Friday, August 19, 2005

Guess who just called from Cal after picking up my grades from BCL!! OOohhh, the woman knows how to get to me. Wouldn't I love to put her in an oven and roast her with hoi-sin sauce!!

I had very nice session at the Vaishvik art gallery where our creative writing workshop was held today. And my driving went well today :)........ :( still no betterment in mood.

I haven't written for the last few days...and now i don't know what to say. Mmm....I'm going to be working in this bookshop called Twist N tales starting tomorrow. According to my dad it's 'like asking a drunkard to guard a liquor store'.

If my skin was branded to mark me as being of inferior race, I wouldn't feel inferior. I wouldn't complain of the pain. I would feel restricted...helplessly categorized. Wonder how the African slaves felt. The Haitians and Cubans. Even the Jews with their yellow star during World War II.

I told Ankush that my art was 'somwhat restricted'. 'There's no such thing,' he said. 'I know you're a very passionate person, so i'm certain you have it in you'. All this in regard to his asking me to buy an olive-green T-shirt for him and paint it.

Ever heard of anyone getting an upset stomach by smoking after a meal?

Monday, August 15, 2005

scribble

Just bought 'High Plains Tango' by R.J Waller, Atlas Shrugged (thanks for recommendation, honeybee), and 'The Boyfriend' by R. Raj Rao.

What I wouldn't give to be soft and dreamy and reminiscent with J. But the sustenance of our slight interaction depends on caution and remaining strictly in the present.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

In the last month, I've been bending backwards to buy books that entertain. Books I can stretch out and snack with. Just today, I bought Meg cabot and Betty Neels....and walked out of the shop feeling extremely guilty.
Is it what i know, or what i want to be known as? There are parts of my 'image' I rebel against. Sweetness, for example. What exactly am I trying to maintain? And should it alarm me if parts of me dissolve from time to time?
There's a huge debate hidden behind the conflict between the image and the reality. Whether the two even are separate.

I absorb environment...fictional, palpable...completely. I am liquid. To hold on is to restrict.

Now what?

Friday, August 12, 2005

Mum forwarded this mail to me. I'm putting it up here...partially because reading it made me miss some people, and partially so I can keep it without cluttering my Inbox. It's the speech made by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computers and Pixar Animation Studios to the graduating class of Stanford.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.
The first story is about connecting the dots.
I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?
It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.
And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.
It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:
Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.
None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
My second story is about love and loss.
I was lucky ? I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation - the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.
I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.
During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.
I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
My third story is about death.
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything ? all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.
I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.
This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.
Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
Thank you all very much.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

D-GRADATION

I haven't been this affected by grades since I got a 45% in an English test in class 9. For all the post-modernism, all the dismantling of hierarchy, you suddenly crash into set standards and realize that they matter. The thing is, I know i worked much better than what the results show. There was a time when passing would have been enough, simply because I'd been told that that was the best I could do anyhow. All the 'supposes' and 'maybe's' are rushing down like locusts.
Suppose the gp's were right in their assessment of me? Maybe I really am a 'weak' student. Maybe I'm not upto A2 level standard. Maybe I'm not even upto the college-level here. As Dr Nandan explained in the labelling theory in crime...it is not the action that matters, but the reactions of others which subsequently leads to labels. So, if D and E got positive reactions I'd be happy receiving them?? Dr Nandan was very nice about it as was Mum. But Ahana being Ahana, she cannot help wondering if they will start to falter in their faith. Maybe she is not so intelligent, not....Ok now that is severe lack of faith on my part. I don't think the GP's have received the news yet. I've been burrowing into my bed with all their strident, hyper reactions screaming around me. Now everybody will say 'never mind, look forward', with slightly pinched expressions and will begin to monitor me with greater care.
All right, my history and sociology papers were on the same day and I had a fever and was locked into the rotary Sadan AC for 7 hours. But honestly, both papers went better than this!

Now that all that is out and I have had a good cry and consequentially a horrible headache, I shall shut down and go for my driving class very calmly and slowly.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Driving lessons have finally started. I am clueless about gear-shifting. Also, have realised the extent of my laziness. One cannot take off on flights of fancy while behind the wheel. And yet there are people who find driving relaxing!! press clutch, release accelerator...no NO gently madam gently. Why are you racing...? Unfortunately it's not about owning a fancy car(a 2nd-hand maruti 800!!) or the thrill of having your own mode of transport. It's simple need and independence. I was so disheartened after my class today that I didn't even argue with the auto-driver who conscientiously raised the fare by 15 rupees...which I just as conscientiously handed over :/

Here's what I wrote for my creative writing workshop yesterday:


The Journal.

What a mistake! What a cold, artful , mistake. I shifted and I was lost. Gave out and learnt to recoil. All of this for freedom. Freedom to kiss, to intimidate. To be late and to learn. I know to write. Not how to write, but to write.

I can almost taste salt and spice…I want it so badly. I suddenly see myself whirling. There are walls all around with iridescent, flamboyant spikes and I am whirling. I feel the spikes with mellow pleasure….hear my screaming flesh. From my wounds drop a flow of words. No blood, just words.

I am wet. Tears and semen stain my incomplete purity. White and clear liquid. I touch my self. Just where my neck joins my shoulder. Downy hair, much-scrubbed , needy skin.
My collar lies quietly against it. Fragranced with oriental-smelling chemicals.

Smells!! Calcutta stirs. Perspiration, incense, jasmine, slowness….how they oozed and rose and fled. Why do my shirts no longer stick to me? Where are the anaemic, spidery fingers that moistened and plundered?


There was unanimous positive feedback from the others. So...unknowingly, I have conformed to an alien standard.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

I visited someone at the hospital today. Those places hurt. The smell, the sterility, there's pain in every goddamn ion. I become a different person as soon s i walk in. I'm suddenly terrified of seeing a bloodstain somewhere, pregnant bellies nauseate me...for some reason I've always considered lying on one's back to be the most vulnerable position, and hospitals are full of it.
There was a woman expecting premature twins. She was lying on her side, a saline bottle attached to her hand, a look of....i suppose it was patience....on her face.

All I could think was that she was waiting. Simply waiting for it to start. Muscles tearing, excessive bleeding, sweat, panic ending in....what? How violent is the 'Initiation'. I couldn't wait to leave. Even the muddy footsteps on the stairs were frighteningly repellent.

Another thing that happens is that I become achingly aware of my body. The slightest pressure, the smallest discomfort is magnified and super-imposed on the screen of my heightened senses. Today my stomach started to cramp, the incessant nerve problem I have on my left side sprang up rather ferociously....evidently I absorb my environment with great keenness.

I had a chat with Scratches and 100% CPU usage yesterday. What a relief!! I miss the talk. The nonsense and the supersense and the other-sense....all of it. In sociology class the other day, we were discussing the functions of polygamy, polyandry etc. The reaction of most of the class was ..'eww' and 'sick'! I don't hold their personal opinions against them. It's just that I think it's easier to examine a concept thoroughly if you see it with 'impersonal emotion'. I mean 'eww' basically translates to shutting it out of your mind completely because it 'injures' your value-structure.
I've used the phrase 'impersonal emotion'. It's taken from 'In Praise of Idleness' by Bertrand Russell. To be honest I'm not very sure what it means. I just used t because it sounded apt. It's like being involved without being attached.
Any thoughts on this?

whine whine whiny whine...listen na...i'm trying to tell you something.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Current facial expression: extreme pout
Cause: Nobody to talk nonsense with/mrinalini not replying to msg
Solution: Sit and make up list of nonsensical abusive words to use on her

yay yay yay happy happy happy :) :) :)

oohhh mrinalini, am sorry. 'If on a winter's blah blah'...am just not being able to get into into it. Am reading it in snatches and flashes and swirls etc etc. But I promise to work on my patience level and review it for you. Muaah!!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Making hats out of blue play-dough...

'I grow a bit tired of the terrestrial stuff
And the celestial nonsense
Swill and guzzle and copulate and copulate and
guzzle and swill until you break up like a jigsaw puzzle
Shattered with smiling.'
George Barker

I'm reading 'Hockney's Alphabet'. It's got all the letters of the alphabet drawn by David Hockney, and there is a text for each letter by a different writer. Here's an instance:

S by Ted Hughes

Started an eel
Of strangest flesh
Nor snake nor fish
So sheer to feel
So live, so lithe
As when she slid
Out of her hole
In purest soul

On a spiral. Corkscrewed into a shock of nostril, the sneeze of glair. Squirmed flex and reflex into saliva. The slug of speech, she lubricates the shapes of air. L'onde s'enfle dessous. Sashays across the surges of perspective. Swan of vision, she shakes light bare. Singular sex of plural and the supplest of strange tails. Thirsts for her ghost keenest, the ice's wound. Sound-waves abandoned the Lusitania. Depth-charged, a sea-wprm, struggling, surfaced, stares and there

In a lens of ocean
Where happiness doubles
Opening the purse
Of lips for a kiss
With a human sigh
The wordless eye
Of end and beginning
Rears its hiss.

This is my favourite. There's 'Y by Douglas Adams' and 'An elegy for X by Anthony Burgess'.....but I love this one for its floaty feel.

And now...a confession. The reason I've hidden behind the words of others is because I had none of my own. Thanks to R.Raj Rao, I now inhabit a free-prison for writers. Every line I write brings uncertainty. And discovery.
I like paper burnt around the edges. And paper that is artfully torn but still looks carelessly ripped.

I love you

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Latched onto Obscurity Cloud and now am unable to get off! Need to speared and pinned onto Focus Wheel. Maybe the technical writing will help. Talked to Jivraj after a long time :)

Monday, July 18, 2005

Communicating has become a drag. There's so much I could write or say but I don't feel like making the effort. The result ...no blogging, no making phonecalls, no writing...I'm not even answering my cell at times. The only relief in this blockage was the letter I wrote to Dr Nandan. And since I forsee that I shall be writing more letters, I went and got myself some beautiful, handmade notepaper with matching envelopes.
My college has a sprawling campus. It's possible to get lost...and I'm in favour of that. It's a lush, green place with old-world British architecture. Philosophy is the most interesting subject I have. The professor is a smart man, with touches of sexism and smears of sarcasm and bigger smears of ego. He knows his subject and is convinced that he fathered Socrates. The first day I attended, I indirectly told him to shut up. I also told my English professor that our democratic status is strongly debatable and that my ambition is to be a recluse and live in a library. After that first day, I've clammed up. Sociology is boring. We're doing the differences between sociology and other social sciences in great detail. Similarities and differences. In discussing the similarities between psychology and sociology, we were told that 'both are sciences'. I assume that means that both use scientific methods in their studies but there weren't any questions as to what 'scientific' means, why it is considered the most 'reasonable' etc. The professor (I love that word; so college-ish) is a flexible, understanding guy. Dr Nandan would like him. But the teacher-student relationship remains impersonal and restricted to the classroom...at least so far. I have my first test in French on Saturday and am very excited. Our English course is...ok. We have Auden and Burns and Keats etc for poetry and short stories by Katherine Mansfield and others. We have 'Animal Farm' in S.Y, I think. Our English teacher is a nice guy.

I have had bouts of terrible homesickness. I miss hearing Bangla, speaking it in college. In desperation, I've started listening to modern Bangla music. I called Shaunak a few days ago and whined for a good 20 minutes! I wish I could be easy and playful and hug someone. I miss Cal.

I land heavily on people I want to be close to. At least I used to. Now I am careful to restrain myself. What a relief it would be to be naive and not struggle to hold some part back. Terrified that the Other will get bogged down and start to pull away. Which is why I hold people at arm's length. My need to lean is as great as my paradoxical desire for isolation. Not independence, but isolation. Emotionally, carrying myself alone is tiring. I exalt in the tiredness; I convince myself it is a test of limits. If another touches me, I am liable to throw myself at them completely. I cannot give in to that. I am not convinced that any O ther can handle it. There must always be part of me that remains with me alone. The moods, the masochism, the incomplete disregard for public opinion... I can only give out what the Other will find attractive. I am bad at games...that is the root of the problem.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

In Literature class, most of the students can't get past Shakespeare. One guy likes Edgar Allen Poe and Dylan Thomas. But since he has a strong Marathi accent I, the Great Intellectual Snob do hereby grudge him even knowing them by name. What a blow to my ideal of flexibility!! Things are more structured here. However, the structures are explorable. I've been listening to Peter Gabriel and Sarah McLachlan.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

We got back from Cal this morning after a hectic five days. I start college tomorrow. I start college tomorrow! Cal was good. Strange pangs of nostalgia. This is cliched but...the city has touched me. The bars on the windows, faded curtains, televison flickering...tuned to Doordarshan. The slowness, the rickshaw horns. I believe I'm identifying with Rabindra :)

I gave Mrinalini the book on photography. I was flipping through it. Very interesting. It links up photography with history and art and social structure. Hope you enjoy it, honeybee. I also slipped Dr Seuss into Jivraj's bag. haven't received any feedback on that yet. I've bought a book by Hanif Kureishi which contains a novel called 'Intimacy' and a collection of short stories. I've also bought 'Less Than Zero' by Bret Easton Ellis. I watched 'Bad Education' with Roshni. I don't think I've ever viewed homosexuality with so much...tenderness. I have to watch it again and let it seep in. I'm going to start aerobics and driving lessons. I am going to college tomorrow with two Navneet hardcover exercise books and two pens. I went and ordered myself a pair of very sexy glasses today. I miss people. I miss people who have become strangers. Who else will drift off? And how much more indifferent will I be?

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Finally set up my link list! I've been taking flying leaps in and out of several books. Sophie's world, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte, Erma Bombeck, William Carries on and a historical novel called Aztec Blood. Dad's been recommending 'William ' books to me for years. I enjoyed 'William Carries On.' Richmal Crompton strikes me as a tougher, more realistic Enid Blyton. As for 'The tenant...', I've always enjoyed a Bronte novel. There's something in the quaint language that appeals. Though this one is somewhat more coarse. And the heroine is always passionately repressed. Hmm....no wonder.
I've almost finished cataloguing Dad's cd's. We're up to a thousand-fifty-eight, people!!! And that's not counting compilations and OST'S. I've been listening to Metallica, CCR and The Goo Goo Dolls. And Jim Reeves. None of them mattered much.
Went for the premiere of 'War of the Worlds.' Walked out half-way!! I like sci-fi....and can definitely appreciate special effects, but there was nothing in the movie. I also watched 'Ray'. Finally!! Liked it. It doesn't dwell too much. Missed Shaunak big-time for some reason. :)
I had a chat with Mounik on saturday via msn. He seems different. More up-front, less mocking.
Just spoke to Roshni...breaking the spell of my a-communication.

My neutrality and impending indifference is endangering....
Loneliness strikes down and is driven back.
I'm sending out....please do respond.

Love.