I went to Landmark today. Idon't feel that way about any other bookshop. I love just walking around, enjoying the space, the music and the shelves of books. I was restless today and wanted something hard-hitting and disjointed. It wasn't one book I wanted, but dips and flashes of as many as possible.

Being a role model is tough. My whole life I've been seen as the sober, steady older sister who could take anything in her stride. It's another reason I strive to crash softly. Dr Nandan said that it's not the act that matters, it's the reactions of others. He was referring to crime and labelling but..I think it goes for everything.

I'm tired of barriers. There are lines I CANNOT cross with people I genuinely care about. Either I'm invading their private space, or there's been too much between us or.......something. Touch is evading me. I slept with a familiar scent the night before last. I'm completely out of touch with who I was a little over a year ago. She wasn't so restless. She could look into people's eyes and feel. She was virulently anti-smoking. She wasn't sarcastic or cynical...nor did she try to be. She didn't know a lot of things, but was pretty clear about the things she did know. She was mushy and everything mattered and it showed. I think she's still around. She's watching me with pensive, wondering eyes. She doesn't judge me, but she's hoping I don't forget her. Me too...