I just said 'no' to applying for a BBA and MBA blah blah from IIPM. dadu looked very disappointed but I can't humour him right now. I hate business stuff..why don't people get that? I think I shall re-name my blog Pain Pamper. Or Whine...something.
Exactly where is all this getting me? Ok, a lot of writing material but at the cost of? I choose my reactions right? I've never believed people who think themselves to be helpless in the wave of their emotions or whatever. But choosing pain is getting to be a habit. I thought I could handle anything. I've pushed my endurance limits, daring my system to let me down. And it crashed.
Let's forget what people have said or might say. I care very deeply. And this is important to me. There is huge regret. I hate regrets. A yearning to get close, warmth, affection. To be allowed to know him again. To hear him mimic Yogi Bear once more. It's scary at times. Or used to be. Now I accept it casually. I'm in the role of giver. I cast myself in it. I'm not a martyr and I don't aspire to be one. It's the only way I can be linked. And I've made a conscious choice to be linked somehow. I'm not sure if I believe in a Higher Power, but I'll pray for him.