who are you you managers and parents and well-wishers who profess to want what's best fme? did i ask you? more importantly did you ask me? Please..leave your managerhood behind when you talk to me please knock when you enter my room if you are drunk do not speak to me at all. don't you know how far back this goes. but how would you know what did you see? I hide it all bury it do deep that it only poisons me occasionally. I like my shape thank you it doesn't need licking. I may not be doing what you expected but i disregard your disapproval. this goes far far back to another smaller bedroom, a girl of five scared so terribly scared. things happened there didn't they do you remember? she had forgotten i had forgotten and then when i was living in as a burden it came back to me all of it. along with the fear. terrible fear unnamed unsharable for who would i tell? don't you see all of you well-wisger people....as long as you pay for any part of my life, i am bound to you. oh don't look so shocked, i have affections for you the bond is dependence. i cannot ask you to shut up because it would be ugly. i am bad with ugliness. oh i can stand it i can stand anything. that's what you all like to hear? give it to her, she will stand it. i will not fall well-wishers of my blood. blood has no meaning for me you know. whoever's relative i am please know that. if i have any liking for you, you earned it as i expect to earn mine. this goes back...tears at every meal, unable to eat the constant constant noise how very worthless, lazy, burdensome that i was....dumb,ugly,dishonest, shameless...i liked shameless. never will i apologize for any of it. you numbed me you Woman of Tastebuds. oh your hands create culinary wonders, but you couldn't create me. what to do with this silent, hyper-sensitive child who reeks of strange insolence? and i let the fear crawl back in. it rejoiced in your mental rapes of me, it devoured my words. oh but i lived. and shall live. i have cracked but i can live with cracks. more seeps in that way. i wasn't allowed to break, i lived above that. i can live with breakage now. i can be wholly joyful, and i don't do it to spite you. this goes back to the stench of that room i wrecked havoc on. that is not a happy room, well-wishers, it is haunted. four years of complete misery, so complete. four years of being stripped of all humanness, oh you rejoiced in my helplessness. this goes far back, and it caught up with me tonight. i fly with my joy, and it will pursue. tis too much a part of me. your drunkeness in that small room, your drunkeness tonight...why must i keep saying i'm fine. i am not allowed to break. if i break, all of you will go. i know myself the best, the most honestly...do not believe it is you. do not try to manage me or categorize me. who do i see when i am desperately afraid? it has always been, my words...in writing.
And i pay for my own tears and messes, my best friends haven't seen me cry. Walls watch me, corners, windows, and my words. they're ok with me you see. they trust me no matter what. and they go further back than all of you.