of People

I got some Tia-time today. Much needed, I am super-saturated with people. I can't handle being with people for days. I can't stand being spoken to all the time. My head explodes.
I actually get along far better with my parents because I don't see them daily. Somebody once said that to love someone everyday is a liability. I don't know.
I think to be obliged to love daily is tough. I love Mum, not because she is my mother and I 'should', but because I choose to see her strengths and see, but not concentrate on her flaws.
I've had problems with my father, but when I started seeing him as a person rather than just a dad, things improved. Yes, I still get impatient with him, find him trying...but he has qualities I admire tremendously.
I am deeply lucky to have friends and some relations who understand my social ineptness and make no demands of me. The less I am expected to give, the more I will.

On another note, I am feeling very important because the Router says I am :) I worried over him-and-me. Had endless talks with J, analysing all the ups and downs we had with him. I don't think that will ever stop, tis too much fun! but I don't worry anymore. There is a queer kind of magic in exploring him intimately, without prejudice. I don't shut out any part of him and I remain open to his changing.
This is a first for me in many ways. Thank you for softening, for always responding. For letting me see you...

By the way...Ruta, Jahnavi, I think he deserves a group-hug! Let's pick a date and venue and have the Ceremony!

Noo Eyork!!

There are five people sharing two bathrooms in this house. I am using liquid soap that leaves glitter on my hand. E and I are sleeping on a huge, inflatable mattress. I fall over if I walk on it. I am going to Tiffany's in the next few days to play at being Holly Golightly.
Most of what should have been on the blog has gone into emails to the Router :)

Goodbye,,,again?

Leave taking

Fragments and shadows.
Glimpses of you
framed
in other doorways,
held
by other spaces.

How should i ask
you to return,
with these hands full
of nothing
but memories?

-Anjum Katyal

Thanks Prachi. This has a lot of my current state in it.

There!

I'm in love, and always will be

Meryl Streep once said, 'I look at my daughter and think, 'They're going to blow up the world, just when I've got this little peach here.''

I know. I watch the news, see movies based on religious/political horror stories. My flesh shrivels. I hurt.
I have no religious loyalties. A colleague once asked me, 'Aren't you proud to be a Hindu?' Itruthfully answered, 'I don't know enough about Hinduism to take any pride in it.'
I recently watched Deepa Mehta's 'Earth.' I thought about E. Three days into this trip, and I have changed. I grip his hand just a little tighter when we are out. I think, 'how terrible if E has to grow up in this filthy fanaticism.' And I realize how this kind of love makes us feel so terrible helpless. Because we know that no matter if we commit every atom in our body to protect the ones we love, ultimately we might only be able to stand and watch.
They plot and they plan to blow up the world. To them the world is whoever is not like them, maybe even some who are. The only way they want the world to notice them is to blow it up. To me, they blow up people's personal worlds. Those little bits of earth on which we grow what we love best. And then it turns to blood and loose, scattered limbs. And then we grasp our last resort. We pray to the god in whose name most of this happens.

How do you know how much to let people be? How do you not gasp when you see your child falling down, even though there may be little or no injury? I'm not a mum, but I am almost sixteen years older than E. I worry about him, I yell at him to kepp him in line...and then I feel totally hypocritical beacause I strongly believe in individual choice and values. I'd like to let him be, become wild, create what he wants, not make him eat vegetables at every meal. Why do I yell at him if his room is a mess? What good is your own room if you have to keep it like other people want you to?
I often tell people that kids need to go their own way, to have uncontrollable hair, to eat too many sweets, to scream as loud as they want. Yet, I hush E, make sure his hair is flat. Do I want him to be 'of the world?' He is a social little soul and it does matter to him what people think.
I don't have all the answers. And that's the worst thing, when a child matters to you this much.

Manual of the Warrior of Light

Ok, so one-third of the Examathon is done. I wrote a paper on Applied Ethics in Philosophy today and I discovered several things.
1. I swear a lot when I'm stressed (read having a panic attack) I said 'fuck' about twenty times before the paper.

2. I have a fairly good memory. I can skate over a few pages and remember names like Lars O' Ericsson and Hadley Arkes.

3. I get bored writing papers unless it's Literature. After I had completed 30 marks worth of questions, I didn't want to write anymore.

4. I shared a plate of fries and a few words with a guy we call the Chopper because he once announced in class that instead of capital punishment, they should just chop the guy's limbs off and let him go. He said this with a perfectly serious face. I've never hung out with him and this was nice.

5. Having a decent vocabulary really helps. At least your answers read like you know stuff.

So there you go. Discoveries that had nothing to do with Applied Ethics, but are very pertinent.

I like hanging out with new people. There's so much to observe in everyone. I'm not much of a talker...unless I'm high...but it's lovely knowing there's so much newness around.
Not to mention that people you already know can still surprise you. Somebody, out of the blue, told me the other day that I was highly honest with emotions, and he liked that about me.
Isn't that a great thing to be told? And tis extra special because..well..I was beginning to think he was all matte finish. But now..I've glimpsed a tiny sparkle..and it makes me happy. Tis nice to have people who matter, and nice to discover little sparks of light in them :)

Marc Sabatella

My current wallpaper. An afterthought of 'You've Got Mail.'

The Hug

I like this :)
Thanks Jen.

Yay!

I am now a part of Mahima's Travelling Journal project. I'm to build an art-shrine for Michelle, and Linda is making one for me. Each person in the group will have a shrine dedicated to them in the journal. It's taking off from Nepal and will tour India, the US and Canada :)
Excited!