Daughterhood

A lot of people are slightly...shocked...by my relationship with my parents. My interactions with Dad especially are rather radical for a parent-child relationship. That we share cigarettes and love the same brand of rum is the least of it.
I remember an episode when, once, dad, I and another relative were talking. There was some jokey reference to my getting married, and the relative asked my dad what might happen if I married a certain kind of guy. I don't remember what is was exactly, but I said that nobody else's opinion really mattered that since I would be the one getting married. 'That's sad,' said the relative.
Da didn't look sad. Instead he explained that the choice to marry would be mine. I would be living and sharing my life with whoever-the-hell. So, his approval wasn't really the question. I have never loved my dad more than I did at that moment.

With Mum...there was the danger of too much closeness. After she moved away, our relationship actually improved. She's thousands of miles away from me, has been for over six years now. I have never felt like there was distance...like the importance between us diminished in any way.

My parents and I are equals. I take the right to yell at my dad if I think he's drinking too much. This reminds me that I must not be in the same position myself. Respect doesn't always been looking up. Sometimes it means looking at one another without fear.
Mum and Dad see me. Not simply a product or their flesh and blood-chains, not simply the daughter they wanted and raised..but me.
Kids often tell their parents, 'Let me be. I'm not perfect, not exactly what you want. But I'm me!'
Parents find it hard to accept sometimes. Mine didn't. They let me be..but on a condition.
I had to see them. Let them be.
When we think of the term 'mother', I doubt too many of us think, 'sexy single woman with a helluva steely backbone and an intense heart.' That's part of who my mum is. My parents aren't just parents. They're people who love to live and who have taken risks.
They'repeople who have screwed up badly, and lived especially to tell the tale. They are survivors.
I could not be prouder of them. I had to learn to see them fully, in order to deal with them as individual to individual. I let them live exactly how they want, they extend the same consideration to me. I trust them wholly to understand me and let me wander through life at my own pace.
This trust and consideration has been earned by both sides.
We have broken up, been bitter, felt threatened by each other, cried a thousand helpless tears...
We have lost touch, refused to talk.
Through and after all this, I bear these two relationships with fierce, fierce pride.
Dad with his ear-stud, his love for gizmos, his self-centredness, just enough to make him go after what he wants and the world be damned..my total likeness to him...

Mum..who has passed on a mighty capacity for devotion, who still calls her ex-in-laws Ma and Baba and rings them up for recipes. Who proudly puts 'Tia's mother' as her primary identity.

My parents believe in knocking before they enter my room. They give me the fullest individuality possible, they relinquish any need to control my life.
Perhaps that is why they know my life intimately. I have the choice not to tell them things, but I would much rather they knew.
I don't take for granted that love flowers automatically in blood-ties, even those as tightly bound as parent and child.
We've taken long journeys, alone, in order to create and keep our relationships. It's never been as simple as blood=loyalty. Every drop of blood, whether matched or unmatched, has had to be proven worthy. 'After all, he's your father,' or 'She's my daughter' are not sufficient to cover up the ugliness. 'She's a principled woman' works much better.

My parents are comfortable and totally honest with me. They can be all the people they want to be, and I will cheer them on. There is no shame in this love. I have two vibrant, smart, alive individuals who run with life, with me and on their own. Not because they have to, but because it's fun hanging out.