i am sixteen........

Grrrrrrr.......bugger being in love! I should shave my head and take up sanyas $#$$$*&^%&*(($..................................................................................

Ok, i'm done acting 16. Grin.

Cannot access my blog directly. I can create and edit posts but cannot view. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!
English classes are becoming pokingly boring. They're beyond any sort of amusing description thereFUR I shall spare you the pain.

Stomach is completely in form and I have been treating it lavishly to lamb-chops, roast-chicken, chocolate cake, stuffed red-chilli pickle, onion pickle and so on...
E had his birthday party on Saturday. A wet, slushy birthday with 30 kids screaming and running and generally having a blast. I danced around while they played musical chairs, got a paint-on tattoo and fought with SBI the rest of the time. SBI came all rain-drenched with hair standing at attention and looking Incredibly Good. He and Meerambika were enormously sweet and helpful. Put up decorations, helped clear-up....actually I'm very touched that they came so enthusiastically for a six-yr-old's birthday party. Neither are very used to this kind of madness. Many happy, tickle-n-touch hours with SBI afterwards. Many topics were discussed with SBI's characteristic vehemence of detail and memory.
I spend a lot of time on SBI, in SBI...it's draining sometimes, sometimes I have to pull up and reason with myself, he has heard all my cribbing and whining when I need him near and can't express it otherwise.....but it takes a a few hours of togetherness to make it right.

I sometimes feel weighed down by expectations. My own, others...
I get tired of being compartmentalized, weary of knowing that there is, in all probability, no looking beyond. It starts with having 3 cars parked in your garage. People ask me, I duck my head and mumble, their lips curl in an 'oohhh, rich girl' expression. Can a figure be seen sans a background? Can I hang in mid-air without pre-sketched lines behind me?
That's where The Drifter came from.....

Pennies

The Bathroom Saga continues. Slight improvement....I am trying hard to return to normal diet but my insides are not willing to compromise.
Went for 'Corporate' last night. It would have been pretty good if it wasn't a cookie-cutter copy of 'Page 3.' It was well-paced, however....didn't drag at all. Bipasha cannot act! Few models can, I've realized. It's tough to get beyond the ramp-show expressions. When you model, your expressions are beaten down to a) smile and look intelligent b) smile and look dumb or c) The Frozen-Seductress
Did you ever see a model looking passionate? Agonized? When it is drummed into you that you must above all be of mass appeal....you stop stretching. Stop diversifying. Lillette Dubey and KK Menon are highly watchable. And there's not much entertainment in terms of sweet scenes and songs.

Moving on....

I am now part of a couple again. Some things have changed. I now touch and am touched with eagerness. Some things have remained. Our affectionate nickname for each other is 'Bitch.'
It's a tough role to play. There are automatic demands and expectations. I am not giving in to how much I could love him. But he knows. I don't know what value I bring to his life. It's not insecurity, I just wonder. I like being the first girlfriend. And this is the only way I could get closer to him. He is full of possibilities. I wanted to watch him unfold. I want to be as tender as I can. It means so much to hold him close. To feel his breath and feel his fingers slowly move over mine....

Down with tummy-bug and horrible nausea. On vegetarian diet for this week. I broke down yesterday and ate some Burmese chicken. You have to swear you will never tell my doctor!! Cross your heart and kiss your elbow!
I went for a blood-test this morning. My family is very hopeful. They're certain it's jaundice or hepatitis or typhoid. Now the lab wants other samples.
Umm, what if I can't do potty by 5 pm this evening?

Lots of hug-therapy with S going on. So happiness there :)

Let me tell you

I am a no-conflict person. I can't stand the knots and the bile that rise in me when i'm angry. It's just more peaceful for me if I can avoid all that. I have low reserves of energy and i honestly get exhausted with fights. As pseudo-Zen as this might sound, i'm ok with being the accepting 'nice girl.'

You don't give me the future
All you can give me are
Moments
That touch
The back of my hand
The way I touch yours

The slight mingling
Of our bodies
As
Little by little
We unfold
Each other
Dissolve
In laughter
And long, such long looks
How much closer
I wonder
How much more....

Falling Further

And then something opens wide....stretching you till you want to beg. You dissolve years of being tightly coiled. And you cry, because you know that you are just as soft, that you have just as much you want to give....and that you bruise just as easily. When you can no longer hide in your memories, no longer give the brush-off. Within a moment, you crash into the present you ignored for so long. In trembling faith, you begin again. Dancing around, trying to be honest, hiding when it hurts, wanting badly, so badly. The world is scent and shape. You are ripe and raw in it. And you just want to know how to love.