Latched onto Obscurity Cloud and now am unable to get off! Need to speared and pinned onto Focus Wheel. Maybe the technical writing will help. Talked to Jivraj after a long time :)

Communicating has become a drag. There's so much I could write or say but I don't feel like making the effort. The result ...no blogging, no making phonecalls, no writing...I'm not even answering my cell at times. The only relief in this blockage was the letter I wrote to Dr Nandan. And since I forsee that I shall be writing more letters, I went and got myself some beautiful, handmade notepaper with matching envelopes.
My college has a sprawling campus. It's possible to get lost...and I'm in favour of that. It's a lush, green place with old-world British architecture. Philosophy is the most interesting subject I have. The professor is a smart man, with touches of sexism and smears of sarcasm and bigger smears of ego. He knows his subject and is convinced that he fathered Socrates. The first day I attended, I indirectly told him to shut up. I also told my English professor that our democratic status is strongly debatable and that my ambition is to be a recluse and live in a library. After that first day, I've clammed up. Sociology is boring. We're doing the differences between sociology and other social sciences in great detail. Similarities and differences. In discussing the similarities between psychology and sociology, we were told that 'both are sciences'. I assume that means that both use scientific methods in their studies but there weren't any questions as to what 'scientific' means, why it is considered the most 'reasonable' etc. The professor (I love that word; so college-ish) is a flexible, understanding guy. Dr Nandan would like him. But the teacher-student relationship remains impersonal and restricted to the classroom...at least so far. I have my first test in French on Saturday and am very excited. Our English course is...ok. We have Auden and Burns and Keats etc for poetry and short stories by Katherine Mansfield and others. We have 'Animal Farm' in S.Y, I think. Our English teacher is a nice guy.

I have had bouts of terrible homesickness. I miss hearing Bangla, speaking it in college. In desperation, I've started listening to modern Bangla music. I called Shaunak a few days ago and whined for a good 20 minutes! I wish I could be easy and playful and hug someone. I miss Cal.

I land heavily on people I want to be close to. At least I used to. Now I am careful to restrain myself. What a relief it would be to be naive and not struggle to hold some part back. Terrified that the Other will get bogged down and start to pull away. Which is why I hold people at arm's length. My need to lean is as great as my paradoxical desire for isolation. Not independence, but isolation. Emotionally, carrying myself alone is tiring. I exalt in the tiredness; I convince myself it is a test of limits. If another touches me, I am liable to throw myself at them completely. I cannot give in to that. I am not convinced that any O ther can handle it. There must always be part of me that remains with me alone. The moods, the masochism, the incomplete disregard for public opinion... I can only give out what the Other will find attractive. I am bad at games...that is the root of the problem.

In Literature class, most of the students can't get past Shakespeare. One guy likes Edgar Allen Poe and Dylan Thomas. But since he has a strong Marathi accent I, the Great Intellectual Snob do hereby grudge him even knowing them by name. What a blow to my ideal of flexibility!! Things are more structured here. However, the structures are explorable. I've been listening to Peter Gabriel and Sarah McLachlan.

We got back from Cal this morning after a hectic five days. I start college tomorrow. I start college tomorrow! Cal was good. Strange pangs of nostalgia. This is cliched but...the city has touched me. The bars on the windows, faded curtains, televison flickering...tuned to Doordarshan. The slowness, the rickshaw horns. I believe I'm identifying with Rabindra :)

I gave Mrinalini the book on photography. I was flipping through it. Very interesting. It links up photography with history and art and social structure. Hope you enjoy it, honeybee. I also slipped Dr Seuss into Jivraj's bag. haven't received any feedback on that yet. I've bought a book by Hanif Kureishi which contains a novel called 'Intimacy' and a collection of short stories. I've also bought 'Less Than Zero' by Bret Easton Ellis. I watched 'Bad Education' with Roshni. I don't think I've ever viewed homosexuality with so much...tenderness. I have to watch it again and let it seep in. I'm going to start aerobics and driving lessons. I am going to college tomorrow with two Navneet hardcover exercise books and two pens. I went and ordered myself a pair of very sexy glasses today. I miss people. I miss people who have become strangers. Who else will drift off? And how much more indifferent will I be?

Finally set up my link list! I've been taking flying leaps in and out of several books. Sophie's world, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte, Erma Bombeck, William Carries on and a historical novel called Aztec Blood. Dad's been recommending 'William ' books to me for years. I enjoyed 'William Carries On.' Richmal Crompton strikes me as a tougher, more realistic Enid Blyton. As for 'The tenant...', I've always enjoyed a Bronte novel. There's something in the quaint language that appeals. Though this one is somewhat more coarse. And the heroine is always passionately repressed. Hmm....no wonder.
I've almost finished cataloguing Dad's cd's. We're up to a thousand-fifty-eight, people!!! And that's not counting compilations and OST'S. I've been listening to Metallica, CCR and The Goo Goo Dolls. And Jim Reeves. None of them mattered much.
Went for the premiere of 'War of the Worlds.' Walked out half-way!! I like sci-fi....and can definitely appreciate special effects, but there was nothing in the movie. I also watched 'Ray'. Finally!! Liked it. It doesn't dwell too much. Missed Shaunak big-time for some reason. :)
I had a chat with Mounik on saturday via msn. He seems different. More up-front, less mocking.
Just spoke to Roshni...breaking the spell of my a-communication.

My neutrality and impending indifference is endangering....
Loneliness strikes down and is driven back.
I'm sending out....please do respond.

Love.