Dominatrix Woes

The Gestapo is here again. Alarming reminders of Embassy days. I find myself incapable of being nice for more than half-an-hour a day. And even that is to relieve Shuchita. They are here for a couple of months so I'd best put on my Niceness Cap and wear a smile...however pained. The trouble is that my irritation spills over into all other spheres of my life.
Adding to that is an irritable back which is grumbling at the roads of Pune and persistently aching. And I think my eyes have weakened further. Constant headaches blah blah.

It's been raining for the past 2 weeks now. Miserable, tired weather! And the roads are ravaged. Alisha and I make quite a spectacle on her bike when we come home from tnt. We sing 'Alice' and 'Hakuna Matata' while our bottoms bob at every pothole. When it's raining and there's no electricity, therefore no streetlights....every pothole is occasion for throaty moans. Sounds very raunchy. Dark road, rain, two figures on a bike moaning deeply....

Haven't seen S since Tuesday. Very grumpy.

Running over
The plains of flesh
The crevices
The courses
Of nerve-rivers
Warm with the heat
Of touched skin

The rain
Brings your face
To my fingers...

Essay written for raksha bandhan

A Step Up...

They said it’s tough being an only child. Then they said it’s difficult adjusting with siblings. I thankfully got left out of both categories.

I was 15 when Eeshaan was born. I remember going to the hospital a few hours after he arrived. A big bundle of possibility with a ready smile…even then. I looked at him solemnly and thought he was cute. And now I could use the phrase ‘my brother.’
That was our first meeting.

I never consciously thought about our relationship. We flowed into each others lives effortlessly. In 6 years, he’s never questioned why he and I have different mothers. Blood doesn’t play much of a role for us. I know I have a confidante, a fellow Disney and Mark Knopfler fan and all the cuddles I could ask for. He knows he has a die-hard admirer for life. We’ve been flat-mates for a year, and roommates for the last few weeks. He’s the only one who doesn’t roll his eyes when I whine about my boyfriend. I’m the only one who thinks he’s cute when he’s doing subtraction.

I’m not sure why it’s called ‘step’-siblinghood. The way I see it, it takes many extra steps on the part of both individuals to make it work. And it’s a ‘step-up’ in the lives of both if they manage it.
I’m 21 years old. Eeshaan just turned 6. We share half a blood-tie.
Everything else is whole…

:(

Miss him.

i am sixteen........

Grrrrrrr.......bugger being in love! I should shave my head and take up sanyas $#$$$*&^%&*(($..................................................................................

Ok, i'm done acting 16. Grin.

Cannot access my blog directly. I can create and edit posts but cannot view. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!
English classes are becoming pokingly boring. They're beyond any sort of amusing description thereFUR I shall spare you the pain.

Stomach is completely in form and I have been treating it lavishly to lamb-chops, roast-chicken, chocolate cake, stuffed red-chilli pickle, onion pickle and so on...
E had his birthday party on Saturday. A wet, slushy birthday with 30 kids screaming and running and generally having a blast. I danced around while they played musical chairs, got a paint-on tattoo and fought with SBI the rest of the time. SBI came all rain-drenched with hair standing at attention and looking Incredibly Good. He and Meerambika were enormously sweet and helpful. Put up decorations, helped clear-up....actually I'm very touched that they came so enthusiastically for a six-yr-old's birthday party. Neither are very used to this kind of madness. Many happy, tickle-n-touch hours with SBI afterwards. Many topics were discussed with SBI's characteristic vehemence of detail and memory.
I spend a lot of time on SBI, in SBI...it's draining sometimes, sometimes I have to pull up and reason with myself, he has heard all my cribbing and whining when I need him near and can't express it otherwise.....but it takes a a few hours of togetherness to make it right.

I sometimes feel weighed down by expectations. My own, others...
I get tired of being compartmentalized, weary of knowing that there is, in all probability, no looking beyond. It starts with having 3 cars parked in your garage. People ask me, I duck my head and mumble, their lips curl in an 'oohhh, rich girl' expression. Can a figure be seen sans a background? Can I hang in mid-air without pre-sketched lines behind me?
That's where The Drifter came from.....

Pennies

The Bathroom Saga continues. Slight improvement....I am trying hard to return to normal diet but my insides are not willing to compromise.
Went for 'Corporate' last night. It would have been pretty good if it wasn't a cookie-cutter copy of 'Page 3.' It was well-paced, however....didn't drag at all. Bipasha cannot act! Few models can, I've realized. It's tough to get beyond the ramp-show expressions. When you model, your expressions are beaten down to a) smile and look intelligent b) smile and look dumb or c) The Frozen-Seductress
Did you ever see a model looking passionate? Agonized? When it is drummed into you that you must above all be of mass appeal....you stop stretching. Stop diversifying. Lillette Dubey and KK Menon are highly watchable. And there's not much entertainment in terms of sweet scenes and songs.

Moving on....

I am now part of a couple again. Some things have changed. I now touch and am touched with eagerness. Some things have remained. Our affectionate nickname for each other is 'Bitch.'
It's a tough role to play. There are automatic demands and expectations. I am not giving in to how much I could love him. But he knows. I don't know what value I bring to his life. It's not insecurity, I just wonder. I like being the first girlfriend. And this is the only way I could get closer to him. He is full of possibilities. I wanted to watch him unfold. I want to be as tender as I can. It means so much to hold him close. To feel his breath and feel his fingers slowly move over mine....

Down with tummy-bug and horrible nausea. On vegetarian diet for this week. I broke down yesterday and ate some Burmese chicken. You have to swear you will never tell my doctor!! Cross your heart and kiss your elbow!
I went for a blood-test this morning. My family is very hopeful. They're certain it's jaundice or hepatitis or typhoid. Now the lab wants other samples.
Umm, what if I can't do potty by 5 pm this evening?

Lots of hug-therapy with S going on. So happiness there :)

Let me tell you

I am a no-conflict person. I can't stand the knots and the bile that rise in me when i'm angry. It's just more peaceful for me if I can avoid all that. I have low reserves of energy and i honestly get exhausted with fights. As pseudo-Zen as this might sound, i'm ok with being the accepting 'nice girl.'

You don't give me the future
All you can give me are
Moments
That touch
The back of my hand
The way I touch yours

The slight mingling
Of our bodies
As
Little by little
We unfold
Each other
Dissolve
In laughter
And long, such long looks
How much closer
I wonder
How much more....

Falling Further

And then something opens wide....stretching you till you want to beg. You dissolve years of being tightly coiled. And you cry, because you know that you are just as soft, that you have just as much you want to give....and that you bruise just as easily. When you can no longer hide in your memories, no longer give the brush-off. Within a moment, you crash into the present you ignored for so long. In trembling faith, you begin again. Dancing around, trying to be honest, hiding when it hurts, wanting badly, so badly. The world is scent and shape. You are ripe and raw in it. And you just want to know how to love.

Lots happening. College has begun. I am now a high-nosed S.Y.B.A student, vastly superior to all midget First Years. I am majoring in English, and have psychology and philosophy as minors. It's good good good to be back in routine, for all that I have to re-work my entire sleep-schedule. I have missed philosophy class. Ok, I missed our gorgeous professor :) No, really. He's nearly 60, and once you get past the constant sarcasm and commenting, he is every kind of hot. We have Applied Ethics this year and I shall be studying ethics in environment, in medicine etc. Haven't had any Honours classes yet, but we have Chekov's 'The Cherry Orchard' as one of our texts. And 'Animal Farm' for the General paper. YAY!!

What's Your Japanese Name?

Your Japanese Name Is...

Hiroko Yamaguchi

What's" your Japanese Name?

Exhausted. I've been slammed face-to-face with two years worth of fears and decisions. Affecting work very badly. It's been a shaky week. Thinking too much. Have to re-focus on focussing.

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.One moment you're in your own little happy universe...And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

http://www.blogthings.com/whatdrugisyourpersonalitylikequiz/">What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

http://www.blogthings.com/insidetheroomofyoursoulquiz/">Inside the Room of Your Soul

Listen...

When flesh is linked with eager flesh
And words run warm and full
I think that he is loneliest then
The captive in the skull.

Caught in a mesh of living veins
In a cell of padded bone,
He loneliest is, when he pretends
That he is not alone.

-Ogden Nash

i think i lost it....my head I mean

Is there anything more annoying than eagerly checking your cell-phone for new msgs....and finding IDEA CHITCHAT and 73337333 on the list? Advertising 'hot ringtones' and FIFA updates etc etc etc and so forth (please think Yul Brynner accent). I mean, I could be waiting for a Very Important Message from The Guy I Haven't Seen Since Yesterday Evening. HMPH!!

My Two-Year-Itch-of -Self-Imposed-Singledom may finally be over. Don't jump yet, my dears. There has been a four day avalanche on the Dynamo's head. She is still recovering and isn't quite her normal, flippant, hyper-aggravating self yet. She is having sudden attacks of The Blush Syndrome and is quite unable to stop smiling. She has also paced the floor of her bedroom down by an inch. That's the latest. This is Dynamo, self-reporting from The Swivel Chair.

Fall

I traced you in a dream

As you stood abashed
On an opium stage
There I ran
Touched you
Learnt you..

You the vessel
I, soft liquid
Soaked in your skin

You the mirror
I, cracked glass
With all your broken pieces

How strange to have what
I coveted for so long

And how hard I fought the flow
That led me to you

Have I told you
You're part of the rain?
Pressing against me with
Lingering certainty.

Did you know I found you
In gilt fingerprints
I made?

You breathed in that dream, didn't you?
I did too.