Monday, June 23, 2008

Mad Girl's Love Song


"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"


~Sylvia Plath

Thursday, June 19, 2008

In Gratitude

Dear Dad
Thank you for not parenting me like your parents. Thank you for the endless forgiveness and understanding. For never questioning my 'nos' and giving me the freedom to say 'yes.' Thank you for always treating me as an equal, for giving my role as an individual personality as much importance as that of daughter.
Thank you for being the person I am most brutally honest with. For letting me be a-social, sleepy and telling people who object to go to hell...just like you.
Most of all, thank you for knowing me so well and for being proud of exactly who I am.
Just as I am of you.

Love you lots and lots and lots.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Someone like you

When I was in the ninth standard many moons ago, a fellow scholar did ask of me the reason for my lack of a gentleman-friend.
'Liquifier my dear,' she said, 'it is IMPOSSIBLE that you are alone. Someone like you! '

Someone like you!

This sentiment was repeated many times through the next few years, pausing briefly during the J-months, resuming, and pausing again during S. The weird part is that nobody ever asks me my relationship-status when I'm actually in a relationship.
So anyway, the most recent 'someone like you!' sentiment came from Sameer when we met last month. And it's got me thinking. Why can't 'someone like me!' (yes it has to be italicized and exclamation-marked) not have a guy in my life?
I'd like to think that it refers to my vivacity and lusty love for life, my irreverent charm or maybe my oh-so-cuteness but well....it could just be that my biological clock has been pointing to 'TOO LATE' since ninth std.
Let's be honest. I love those relationship-status-type relationships. I love flirting and over-analyzing every word, every gesture with Weed and RS and P and M and Shibs and Boss and..well...whoever happens to be around and is nice enough not to have me committed (heh!).

I even enjoy the raw terror that springs up in my throat when the relationship status actually reads 'in a relationship.'
'Someone like me' is a lot of boogeymen. A lot of 'go away, this is my book-and chips time!'
It means you're gonna materialize in every poem I read or write. That some place on my body will remember you for a pretty long time. And it especially means that you will be deconstructed extensively by all my girlfriends and me.
It's pressure, baby!

I'm a hopeful romantic! One who's seen divorce and bitterness and the hard, hard work that goes into making relationships work. J and I had a hard-driven, almost painfully bright romance. The kind where you haven't a clue what you're doing, but just hurtling on desperately hoping it will work out. With S, it was a softening and a toughening. But neither of us were ready to give as much as was needed. If a splitting apart can be tender, ours was. I think we gave each other more during our break-up than during our romance.

Technically, I've been single for the last two years.
I have been lonely a few times, wistful a few times more. With the abysmally long time I take to get over relationships, the first year and half of the second was spent teary and obsessive. In fact, till January this year, I was in 'getting over phase.' Then the Mars Bar came along, and I woke up to the fact that there were still men out there who could make me smile by waving their hands around and telling the class that 'St. Augustine was a sensually fulfilled man.' I came back to Singletonhood with a vengeance which simply means that my battle-worn emotional self was ready to play again.
The thing is, almost all those people who asked That Significant Question knew a little bit of me. They saw the bad jokes, the good writing, the perpetual normalcy. They didn't know about the boogeymen. Didn't know how much it takes to make a tie with me. Or how much it is worth.

' Someone like me.' Are you listening, Universe?








Saturday, June 14, 2008

Rain and The Remains..



It was the perfect evening. Darkness, soft rain, no electricity. Ideal for sunggling under my quilt and read Howards End. I always choose all fiercely English writing on such days. I especially like the Brontes because their novels are all set in gloomy moors seething with a repressed wildness. I is big fan of Victorian gloom in English Literature.



I have just finished 'The Remains of the Day' and loved it. Ishiguro has carved Stevens' character with such intense perfection. From the utterly perfect language, to the stern repression of any untoward emotion, in fact any emotion at all, the psyche of the stereotypical English butler has been examined through Stevens' introspection as well as the sub-text of his narration. The author has also managed to instill the essence of a deeply-felt-but-never verbalized love story between the lines...


The novel is set over a period of approximately thirty years, spanning the two World Wars and the slow death of English aristocracy and Ishiguro has maintained a beautiful balance between defending the aristocrat and his lifestyle, and demonstrating why it had to be left behind.



So...Half of a Yellow Sun to be finished, Howards End to be snuggled up to and The Palace of Illusions to make acquaintaince with. And I definitely want to watch the movies of 'Remains...' and 'Howards End.' Anthony Hopkins, Emma Thompson, Helena Bonham Carter, old-style English manor-houses...my monsoon is made!

One finger to my temple

I haven't written any poetry in a while. I am in a tired place where there is no humour or poignancy. I've been trying so hard to write, and it comes out whiny, dismal, self-satisfied. Such is my non-fiction.

It is as though my writing cannot escape the issues I have buried most deep inside, things I have never ever spoken of and written about only very vaguely. Those were the days when I had journals. I still have a few...beautifully covered, blank, hand-made paper I cannot resist.

I need to soften the giant lump that settles in my chest every time I attempt to write. To step out of the petty, sordid details that crowd me, begging for expression. Or maybe I need to turn them loose on paper and be done with it. Maybe then, poetry will come to me again. I need to clear when I write poems. Clear in my pain, my joy...

I think I need to go back to my journal.

Friday, June 13, 2008

A Thousand Kisses Deep


For he's touched your perfect body with his mind....

In a world where Leonard Cohen exists, hope is not lost.


Listen to him here.

Plish to note

I am opening roll-er dokan! Apologies to all those who were sending me off to the Furren Universities, but really, roll-stalls will cause less pacing, chip-eating and screaming at my reflection.
So there!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Letter

Dear Universe
Send me un-jadedness. Let me never become a manager-type person. Send me love that stays even after seeing all my boogeymen. Let me not ration my stubborness, my moods, my brutal honesty. May I retain my shamelessness for all time. Rejoice in being the vague, unstructured, obsessive girl I am.
Remind me that I can always stretch further. That I am responsible wholly and completely for my every move. Strengthen my belief that my joy is big and wrapped up in silence, solitude and eating chips just as much as in good conversation, books and independence. Give me the freedom to say go to hell to those who try to direct me, no matter how well-meaning they may be. Teach me to be good to myself, to take off and be carefree soon as I can afford it! Let me be as melodramatic as I wish and sucks-boo to those who can't take it. Most of all, help me to be grateful without thinking myself indebted for life, to live without compromising on what is most important to me and to imagine with a little more courage each day.
Thank you so very much.

Congratulations


My aunt started her production house in a tiny room on the mezzanine floor in our South Kolkata house. She got out of a marriage and a job, both of which were dying and struck out on her own with a five year old daughter.
This was ten years ago. Today she is happily re-married, the owner of two homes and her own company. I have seen her working. The stress, the sweat, the charm that formed strong alliances. The support of her new husband who has made refusing-to-back-down an art. Even now, when I ask her how she is, she replies with 'just breathing.'
After years of ad-films, Anuranan came into being. Low-budget, with most of the cast and crew becoming like family.
And it has culminated in a National Award for Best Regional Film. I am so proud!

Monday, June 09, 2008

Education

The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination Harvard University Commencement AddressJ.K. Rowling
Copyright June 2008
As prepared for delivery


President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and, above all, graduates,
The first thing I would like to say is 'thank you.' Not only has Harvard given me an extraordinary honour, but the weeks of fear and nausea I've experienced at the thought of giving this commencement address have made me lose weight. A win-win situation! Now all I have to do is take deep breaths, squint at the red banners and fool myself into believing I am at the world's best-educated Harry Potter convention.
Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can't remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.
You see? If all you remember in years to come is the 'gay wizard' joke, I've still come out ahead of Baroness Mary Warnock. Achievable goals: the first step towards personal improvement.
Actually, I have wracked my mind and heart for what I ought to say to you today. I have asked myself what I wish I had known at my own graduation, and what important lessons I have learned in the 21 years that has expired between that day and this.
I have come up with two answers. On this wonderful day when we are gathered together to celebrate your academic success, I have decided to talk to you about the benefits of failure. And as you stand on the threshold of what is sometimes called 'real life', I want to extol the crucial importance of imagination.
These might seem quixotic or paradoxical choices, but please bear with me.
Looking back at the 21-year-old that I was at graduation, is a slightly uncomfortable experience for the 42-year-old that she has become. Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me.
I was convinced that the only thing I wanted to do, ever, was to write novels. However, my parents, both of whom came from impoverished backgrounds and neither of whom had been to college, took the view that my overactive imagination was an amusing personal quirk that could never pay a mortgage, or secure a pension.
They had hoped that I would take a vocational degree; I wanted to study English Literature. A compromise was reached that in retrospect satisfied nobody, and I went up to study Modern Languages. Hardly had my parents' car rounded the corner at the end of the road than I ditched German and scuttled off down the Classics corridor.
I cannot remember telling my parents that I was studying Classics; they might well have found out for the first time on graduation day. Of all subjects on this planet, I think they would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology when it came to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.
I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. What is more, I cannot criticise my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience. Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticised only by fools.
What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure.
At your age, in spite of a distinct lack of motivation at university, where I had spent far too long in the coffee bar writing stories, and far too little time at lectures, I had a knack for passing examinations, and that, for years, had been the measure of success in my life and that of my peers.
I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak. Talent and intelligence never yet inoculated anyone against the caprice of the Fates, and I do not for a moment suppose that everyone here has enjoyed an existence of unruffled privilege and contentment.
However, the fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure. You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person's idea of success, so high have you already flown academically.
Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.
Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.
So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.
You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.
Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above rubies.
The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned.
Given a time machine or a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone's total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes.
You might think that I chose my second theme, the importance of imagination, because of the part it played in rebuilding my life, but that is not wholly so. Though I will defend the value of bedtime stories to my last gasp, I have learned to value imagination in a much broader sense. Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared.
One of the greatest formative experiences of my life preceded Harry Potter, though it informed much of what I subsequently wrote in those books. This revelation came in the form of one of my earliest day jobs. Though I was sloping off to write stories during my lunch hours, I paid the rent in my early 20s by working in the research department at Amnesty International' s headquarters in London.
There in my little office I read hastily scribbled letters smuggled out of totalitarian regimes by men and women who were risking imprisonment to inform the outside world of what was happening to them. I saw photographs of those who had disappeared without trace, sent to Amnesty by their desperate families and friends. I read the testimony of torture victims and saw pictures of their injuries. I opened handwritten, eye-witness accounts of summary trials and executions, of kidnappings and rapes.
Many of my co-workers were ex-political prisoners, people who had been displaced from their homes, or fled into exile, because they had the temerity to think independently of their government. Visitors to our office included those who had come to give information, or to try and find out what had happened to those they had been forced to leave behind.
I shall never forget the African torture victim, a young man no older than I was at the time, who had become mentally ill after all he had endured in his homeland. He trembled uncontrollably as he spoke into a video camera about the brutality inflicted upon him. He was a foot taller than I was, and seemed as fragile as a child. I was given the job of escorting him to the Underground Station afterwards, and this man whose life had been shattered by cruelty took my hand with exquisite courtesy, and wished me future happiness.
And as long as I live I shall remember walking along an empty corridor and suddenly hearing, from behind a closed door, a scream of pain and horror such as I have never heard since. The door opened, and the researcher poked out her head and told me to run and make a hot drink for the young man sitting with her. She had just given him the news that in retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country's regime, his mother had been seized and executed.
Every day of my working week in my early 20s I was reminded how incredibly fortunate I was, to live in a country with a democratically elected government, where legal representation and a public trial were the rights of everyone.
Every day, I saw more evidence about the evils humankind will inflict on their fellow humans, to gain or maintain power. I began to have nightmares, literal nightmares, about some of the things I saw, heard and read.
And yet I also learned more about human goodness at Amnesty International than I had ever known before.
Amnesty mobilises thousands of people who have never been tortured or imprisoned for their beliefs to act on behalf of those who have. The power of human empathy, leading to collective action, saves lives, and frees prisoners. Ordinary people, whose personal well-being and security are assured, join together in huge numbers to save people they do not know, and will never meet. My small participation in that process was one of the most humbling and inspiring experiences of my life.
Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other people's minds, imagine themselves into other people's places.
Of course, this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to understand or sympathise.
And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know.
I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces can lead to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the wilfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid.
What is more, those who choose not to empathise may enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.
One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.
That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people's lives simply by existing.
But how much more are you, Harvard graduates of 2008, likely to touch other people's lives? Your intelligence, your capacity for hard work, the education you have earned and received, give you unique status, and unique responsibilities. Even your nationality sets you apart. The great majority of you belong to the world's only remaining superpower. The way you vote, the way you live, the way you protest, the pressure you bring to bear on your government, has an impact way beyond your borders. That is your privilege, and your burden.
If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped transform for the better. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.
I am nearly finished. I have one last hope for you, which is something that I already which is something that I already had at 21. The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children's godparents, the people to whom I've been able to turn in times of trouble, friends who have been kind enough not to sue me when I've used their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for Prime Minister.
So today, I can wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom:
As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.
I wish you all very good lives.
Thank you very much.


Shibani sent me this a day after I'd been whining about how I'm still told that English Literature is not a 'career.'
Thank you Shibs, for giving my whinings such sincere importance.

Watch the video here.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Bright as Yellow



And you live your life

with your arms stretched out.

Eye to eye when speaking.

Enter rooms with great joy shouts,

happy to be meeting.


And bright,

bright,

bright as yellow,

warm as yellow.


And I do not want to be a rose.

I do not wish to be pale pink,

but flower scarlet,

flower gold.

And have no thorns to distance me,


but be bright,

bright,

bright as yellow,

warm as yellow.


Even if I'm shouting,

even if I'm shouting here inside.

Even if I'm shouting,

do you see that I'm wanting,

that I want to be so bright,

bright,

bright as yellow,

warm as yellow.


-The Innocence Mission


Listen here.

Thanks Shibani. You brought a splash of yellow on a dark day :)

Love always.

Vague

I am frightened when I am unable to write. Not as in writer's block, but when I am disturbed so deeply that my gut is buried alive.
It's been that way for a while, hence the poems written by other people and the photographs. I have had lots to write about....new intimacies, good talks, active days, terrifying suspicions...but thw words will not come.
I am realizing that I love couching my writing in abstract, beautiful words. And a diary cannot be hemmed in by such artistic demands. I talk straight..my stammer makes it necessary to keep conversation to the point. I am even accused of being outspoken to the point of rudeness.
But in writing, I feel I must be flowing, graceful, subtle.
Disturbance, terror, shattering suspicions are alien to this mindset. It bruises me to be less than honest while writing, but...honesty is raw. Honesty is the big pimple on the cheek, the intensity that most people back away from, being moody because you feel like it, favouring silence rather than small talk...
I need this honesty. I need to write with it. I need to shed layers and move out...

Friday, June 06, 2008

chhobi

E and I. Taken especially for Dad's 50th birthday basket.



In Kamshet, two years ago.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Focus

Rebecca Wells writes that total suppleness of the spirit is not always for the best. I have been labile in mind and heart over the last few days...allowing myself to rise far...maybe too far above what I know. I haven't had the quiet intimacy that this flight needs...therefore it has resulted in confusion.
Right now, I am crying out for enormous change. For quiet, for intimacy with one from whom I have earned it, for space where no one needs me. I am facing my urge to think of myself alone, to take steps that are so far removed from my plans of yesterday. From who I have been all these years.
There may well be an exasperating cacophony around me if I articulate all this. I don't have answers to all the how's and whys. I need to go and I need to be. I want to take a step, knowing that it is what I want only at that moment. I want to be careful with myself and to hell with a lot of things. I want to move, to drift away from everything that I have not built.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Poem

Some say that love's a little boy,
And some say it's a bird,
Some say it makes the world go round,
And some say that's absurd,
And when I asked the man next-door,
Who looked as if he knew,
His wife got very cross indeed,
And said it wouldn't do.

Does it look like a pair of pajamas,
Or the ham in a temperance hotel?
Does it's odour remind one of llamas,
Or has it a comforting smell?
Is it prickly to touch as a hedge is,
Or soft as eiderdown fluff?
Is it sharp or quite smooth at the edges?
O tell me the truth about love.

Our history books refer to it
In cryptic little notes,
It's quite a common topic on
The Transatlantic boats;
I've found the subject mentioned in
Accounts of suicides,
And even seen it scribbled on
The backs of railway-guides.

Does it howl like a hungry Alsatian,
Or boom like a military band?
Could one give a first-rate imitation
On a saw or a Steinway Grand?
Is its singing at parties a riot?
Does it only like Classical stuff?
Will it stop when one wants to be quiet?
O tell me the truth about love.

I looked inside the summer-house;
it wasn't ever there:
I tried the Thames at Maidenhead,
And Brighton's bracing air.
I don't know what the blackbird sang,
Or what the tulip said;
But it wasn't in the chicken-run,
Or underneath the bed.

Can it pull extraordinary faces?
Is it usually sick on a swing?
Does it spend all it's time at the races,
Or fiddling with pieces of string?
Has it views of its own about money?
Does it think Patriotism enough?
Are its stories vulgar but funny?
O tell me the truth about love.

When it comes, will it come without warning
Just as I'm picking my nose?
Will it knock on my door in the morning,
Or tread in the bus on my shoes?
Will it come like a change in the weather?
Will its greeting be courteous or rough?
Will it alter my life altogether?
O tell me the truth about love.

~W.H. Auden

Friday, May 16, 2008

Love


Thursday, May 15, 2008

Those were the days....



I have a knack for beautiful girl-friends :)

Congratulations on the engagement, Dee. I hope this is the beginning of many wonderful things for yall.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Kahlil Gibran





But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.”

Saturday, May 10, 2008

On the Eve of Mother's Day

I sent Mum some early Mother's Day greetings. This was her reply.

Nothing in my life would be wonderful
There would be no magic,
No marvel
No feeling of being worthy,
No faith,
No tears of joy.....

If You did not happen to me!!!!

I can never hold you enough,
Never be with you enough.
Never laugh with you enough..

I only wish there was more of us together.

Thank you for the Mother's Day Greetings!
With you, I feel greeted every moment!
Love you.

Seven years and thousands of miles apart....there is no one closer.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Hot Library Smut ;)

Bits of bibliophilic beauty from around the world!

If I have my way, I shall live in each one for at least a week.
Thanks RS.

Education

This is good stuff!

Much gratitude to the Insane Rambler. I loved it.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Quote

“All forms of tampering with human beings, getting at them, shaping them against their will to your own pattern, all thought control and conditioning is, therefore, a denial of that in men which makes them men and their values ultimate.”

Isaiah Berlin

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Leaves

Woke up early today. 9 am! Was supposed to meet Sameer for lunch at 11:30, but a girl doesn't go to meet one of her favourite men in the world without oiling her hair, using special shampoo and conditioner and making sure her arms and legs are smooth. Weed wanted to meet him, so I took her along....we ran in to Vaishali at 12:00 with me panting out apologies.
For those of you who don't know, Sameer was one of the facilitators at a creative-writing workshop my college organized last year in collaboration with Pennsylvania State University last year.
We kept in touch via email, or in Sameer's words..'she wouldn't go away, so I finally decided to mail back.'
Twas good catching up with him...he is one of those people with gypsy limbs who wander actively and look you clear in the eye while talking/listening. Tis one of the things I love about The Professor as well :)
Sameer's going to be a father in June..and he is so incredibly excited! Aaaaaand....he said I write really well, and I should totally apply for an M.F.A, at PSU itself maybe. Thank you so much!

Weed and I went to the British Library for some free air-conditioning, and I ended up walking out with four books. Will I ever be less compulsive about books!! And shoes! And junk food!
Then we had the riches, thickest chocolate shakes and then went and bought Oshos and a jhola for me.
Sigh...how much I'm going to miss that road. Even if I'm at the university here, it won't be the same as going there every day.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

I currently hate

everyone on the OC...why should they have all the fun!
all girls with thin legs
every student in Mumbai University
everyone who makes the slightest noise around me

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Pipes

and underneath our colouring, we're all full of stories.
indigo as love
and who could put one story above another
(old scars
deeply sour in our blood)

the nightmares
pulsing in yellow
losing out breathing in wandering where there is more
waking up to fruitless
dim
white
(where are you)

peace, perfect in lavendar
crimson in its hunger
the tired red of eyes
bloodied
flowered bodies
every
body

a flower

and stories flowing
mouth to mouth
ritualized
tender
chanting and swaying

ancient as lines on palms

underneath my skin
yours
burnt and pale and touched
lies our breath
sullied, buried, storied
us.

breathing
...and who puts one breath above another...

Thursday, April 24, 2008

3 pages a day

Be it mindless scribbling, poetry or the continued flow of a leetle story I began last night, 3 pages a day is my new YES.

Did you know that in Tahiti, they don't have a word for 'sad?' Sad isn't an emotion as far as they know. When somebody is sad, Tahitians believe she/he is physically ill.
That is the only interesting part of my Industrial Psychology course. Thankfully, the exam got over yesterday so I'm well rid of it.

But now begins the real stress. Starting Monday, I have Philosophy, Functional English a.k.a Linguistics and Literary Criticism one after the other.
The two English papers hold my pride so I'll dive into them. Philosophy, because I love it. It and the Professor :)
I'll leave you with a few lines inspired by him...

....you know how sometimes your brain feels like it's in a coma...like every nerve is frozen. And then...a huge shot of adrenaline bursts through you..like the sun is too close...like a fresh cut on your belly.. and you wake up glowing...gleaming with what you learnt. You...are that shot of adrenaline..the cut, the sun.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Yes





1. "I long to create something that can't be used to keep us passive: I want to write a script about plumbing, how every pipe is joined to every other."


2. "In order to live a fully human life we require not only control of our bodies (though control is a prerequisite); we must touch the unity and resonance of our physicality, our bond with the natural order, the corporeal grounds of our intelligence."



-Adrienne Rich

Monday, April 21, 2008

Rumi

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.”

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Blocked

...and very jittery. I have a feeling something's coming..and I'm not ready, though I want to be. I have the hard knots in my belly that have nothing to do with eating chips. The thing about me and fear is that I don't face them, I ignore them. As in, ignore them and get on with life. But fears have a nasty way of festering deep inside, of growing redder and more sore...
Maybe it's time I took some of these sores in hand. I'm rarely soothing to myself. I say 'tough love' and end it there.
I am realizing now that a lot depends on my facing life with my fears instead of trying to skate over them. I remember Maddie's post on saying YES. Tis incredibly important. Yes to impertinent grins, to the freedom of motion, to 'loving big, loud and shining.' Yes to speaking up, and talking freely. Yes to looking deeper at being responsible and being joyful. Yes to poetry. To spontaneous caring.
Tell you what. I'll make a project out of it. Pick one thing each day to say YES to. To open up to and learn about.
What do yall want to say YES to....

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Treble trouble

Heat. PMS. Irritability.
Thank all goddesses for rooms with locks on the doors. And for VJ's who remind me that there are indeed people out there who are stupider than I am.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

ETZ and more...

The countdown has begun. The stiffness in the neck. The tightening of the stomach muscles. This is that time of year when sleep seems a hindrance. When all I can bear to watch are animated movies and MTV Kickass Mornings.
The Liquifer has officially moved into the Exam Time Zone.

I'm also seeing and hearing of a lot of love :)
There's P and S and their wonderfully affectionate relationship. I've never seen P this happy in the 3 years that I've known her. There is so much sharing and richness between them.

There's Dee and her guy. I'm really really hoping this love makes her happy. She's far away, but her photographs and her writing tone are happy. Dee, if you're reading this...I'm sending you Special Hope Bubbles!

And now there's RS. Aren't new beginnings the best? Don't forget to never stop smiling :)

As for me, I'll borrow a few words from Maddie to tell you all about it...

"As it may happen I was so very busy feeling wounded I did not notice love following close behind me. It hummed little tunes and helped me pick out polkadot knee~socks, it chased the sticks I tossed for my dog at the beach. It waved me over in shops when it found a romantic flouncy skirt or a particularly pretty hat. Yet love was invisible to me. When I read my book and sipped my tea in the very early morning, love peeked over my shoulder and nodded happily at the parts that made me laugh. Love held my hand when I jumped over puddles and kissed my nose as I read the menu in the breakfast diner. It slipped into the bath before the candles were lit, and waited to tickle my toes. However, I turned my blind green eyes away from the romantic moons and pretended not to hear the soaring serenades outside my window. Yet every now and then my pen would slip and glance true love's way ~ allowing a few wayward poetic murmurs to slip on to the page.And then one evening, deep into the night I played the piano as a new note crept into my song. So, curious, I went back to read all my scattered scribblings and began to piece it all together
and there it was

~ staring me straight in the heart

~ petal by petal love had returned....:)

Isn't she beautiful.....

Monday, April 07, 2008

Love Song to a Stranger








Your gentleness came down upon me and I guess I thanked you



When you caused me to yield



We spoke not a sentence and took



not a footstep beyond



Our two days together which seemingly soon would be gone



Don't tell me of love everlasting and other sad dreams



I don't want to hear





Just tell me of passionate strangers who rescue each other



From a lifetime of cares



Because if love means forever, expecting nothing returned



Then I hope I'll be given another whole lifetime to learn..





-Joan Baez

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Monday, March 31, 2008

Gloom

Learning alone is no fun. I miss classrooms.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Naked

Naked, you are simple as a hand,
smooth, earthy, small. . . transparent, round.
You have moon lines and apple paths;
Naked, you are slender as the wheat.

Naked, Cuban blue midnight is your color,
Naked, I trace the stars and vines in your hair;
Naked, you are spacious and yellow
As a summer's wholeness in a golden church.

Naked, you are tiny as your fingernail;
Subtle and curved in the rose-colored dawn
And you withdraw to the underground world

As if down a long tunnel of clothing and of chores:
your clear light dims, gets dressed, drops its leaves,
And becomes a naked hand again.

Pablo Neruda

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Maya Angelou

1. Refusal

Beloved,
In what other lives or lands
Have I known your lips
Your Hands
Your Laughter brave
Irreverent.
Those sweet excesses that
I do adore.
What surety is there
That we will meet again,
On other worlds some
Future time undated.
I defy my body's haste.
Without the promise
Of one more sweet encounter
I will not deign to die.



2. When You Come

When you come to me, unbidden,
Beckoning me
To long-ago rooms,
Where memories lie.

Offering me, as to a child, an attic,
Gatherings of days too few.
Baubles of stolen kisses.
Trinkets of borrowed loves.
Trunks of secret words,

I CRY.


3. Touched By An Angel

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.


4. Rememberance

Your hands easy
weight, teasing the bees
hived in my hair, your smile at the
slope of my cheek. On the
occasion, you press
above me, glowing, spouting
readiness, mystery rapes
my reason

When you have withdrawn
your self and the magic, when
only the smell of your
love lingers between
my breasts, then, only
then, can I greedily consume
your presence.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Upturn

I haven't wwritten for a long time. As in...written about me and what's important right now.
Academics and intense studying going on. I'm enjoying it. I haven't yet reached the stage where the world is blurred and only the monotonous, photocopied sheets scattered around me have significance, but I'm getting there.
I'm learning to appreciate poetry and prose in a disciplined way, reading 50 page essays on why poetry is the best form of art/expression and all else sucks, trying to learn the form, function and meaning of verb phrases, draw tree diagrams and cudgeling my brain to absorb the 'supersensuous world' of Philosophy and Religion.

I've also been partying, getting to know some really nice people and getting over certain relationships.
Personally, I am in a bit of a situation. It's been discussed and mulled over so much that I don't know what to write. It's at the stage where I'm hoping for a response, for personal conversation. It's also at the stage where I am having to show restraint, which is a tremendous struggle for me.
I am a very bad flirt, I've realized, being entirely without arts and graces. I look, I like, I leap...that is my motto. And I love it.
But...this little in-the-pipeline-relationship needs brutal discipline and hard work...again not my strongest areas.
In the next few weeks, I'm going to be honing all my latent resources and faculties towards it. Figure out how important it is. And no my exam prep won't suffer because this relationship is intimately entwined with sincere study.
It might be fun. As Holly Golightly would say,'Of course I'll be hard-working and diligent. I've never been hard-working and diligent before.'

Saturday, March 22, 2008

new

Blog set up for Dad's 50th birthday party prep.

www.bhepus50thbirthday.blogspot.com

Monday, March 17, 2008

Wonder

Intimacy is tough to write about. One ends up being didactic and preachy, albeit ever so slightly.
Also, to scrutinize intimacy and write about it in a systematic, concise way, is to limit its scope.
I like the term, the concept. I like how it feels on my lips and tongue when I say it. I like that I smile when I use it.

But what to write about it?

I ask for the freedom to be intimate. I ask to have the choice of not saying 'yeah whatever' to things. I would like to care obsessively.

Is it intimate to run to meet someone with your hands outstretched? To hug your teacher because he/she makes a brilliant point and is in love with the classroom?

What if I walk barefoot on wet grass and stretch my body with pleasure? Ask my dad for cigarettes?

Can I maintain eye contact with everyone I talk to? Tell people I stammer so that they can get over it? Would you be afraid if we had a conversation based entirely on the first things that came to my mind?

Say I touched the hand of an unattainable man...one I could never have...
What would they call me?

I read love stories and the ocean makes me dizzy. So....

It's all questions and never certain.

Intimacy?

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Love

This was recorded in Savera, over iced tea and cigarettes. The Professor, sitting across from me, in conversation with an ex-student sitting at the next table.



Ex-student: Sir, are your classes over?

The Professor: No.

Ex-student: Oh...when are they on till?

The Professor(smiling and glancing towards his Honours students sitting inside): Till whenever they want.


Not 'till we finish the course,' or 'till the third week of March,' but till whenever his students want to be with him.

There was no pushing back of hair, he wasn't even talking to me....but I don't think I've ever wanted to give anyone a bigger hug.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

A Call from Cochin

Dad: Are you studying or maroing adda?

Me: Neither.

Dad: Are you on the pot?

Me: Geez! I don't ask you what you're doing! How come you get to ask me??

Dad: Because you're the daughter.

Me: I'm also the only equal you have.

Dad: Hmph! You need to know how lucky you are. Yesterday, I was at your uncle's place for dinner. D(his daughter) asked him if she could go for a concert. He said she could go if eithet he or her mum went with her. She couldn't go with friends. And the girl's 18 years old.

Me: I know I'm lucky, Dad. I've cutsie parents!

Dad: I had visions of what would happen if I told you such a thing.

Me: Oh? And what vision was that?

Dad: You'd ignore me!

Laughter...


The dear man doesn't read my blog so he doesn't know how often my gratitude appears in writing :)
Lucky.

And I never forget it!

Thursday, March 06, 2008

When I think about it...

....when your mum and dad are the coolest people you know, when your heart is wrapped around a cuddly seven year old with big eyes and a fast mouth, when your first ever boyfriend's birthday message reads, 'happy birthday +1, my love' because he's a day late, when your friends buy a can of really sticky confetti and spray it all over you in the middle of the road, when half the Philosophy department spontanously start singing Happy Birthday at the Main Circle in your college, when people you don't expect call to wish you, when you're not too sure where you're heading..but that's ok, when your stepmum buys you totally sexy underwear and your brother refuses to buy you anything that costs less than a 100 bucks, when you, when people tell you your writing makes them feel light and happy, when your head's been blown off by a mad Doctor of Philosophy and suddenly all that's important is that he looked at you over his shoulder....twice, when a friend you thought was lost returns to you..and he's grown sweeter and more affectionate, when your Boss is a best friend, when you eat chocolate-dipped strawberries with Mascarpone cream, when you're planning a second birthday party for the weekend, when you feel full of space and completely filled all at once...

...well, twenty-three looks pretty good...

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Variations On the Word Love

This is a word we use to plug
holes with. It's the right size for those warm
blanks in speech, for those red heart-
shaped vacancies on the page that look nothing
like real hearts. Add lace
and you can sell
it. We insert it also in the one empty
space on the printed form
that comes with no instructions. There are whole
magazines with not much in them
but the word love, you can
rub it all over your body and you
can cook with it too. How do we know
it isn't what goes on at the cool
debaucheries of slugs under damp
pieces of cardboard? As for the weed-
seedlings nosing their tough snouts up
among the lettuces, they shout it.
Love! Love! sing the soldiers, raising
their glittering knives in salute.


Then there's the two
of us. This word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse
to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish
to fall into, but that fear.
this word is not enough but it will
have to do. It's a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside. You can
hold on or let go.

-Margaret Atwood

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Sad

Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves and then we have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.

Snoopy
from Peanuts

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Cinnamon Peeler

If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.

Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you could never walk through markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you. The blind would
stumble certain of whom they approached
though you might bathe
under the rain gutters, monsoon.

Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbour to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back. This ankle.
You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler's wife.

I could hardly glance at you
before marriage
never touch you
- your keen nosed mother, your rough brothers.
I buried my hands
in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers...

When we swam once
I touched you in the water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.
You climbed the bank and said

this is how you touch other women
the grass cutter's wife, the lime burner's daughter.
And you searched your arms
for the missing perfume

and knew

what good is it
to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in the act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of a scar.

You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamon
peeler's wife. Smell me.

-- Michael Ondaatje

Much affection to July Child, on whose blog I discovered this beauty.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Leaving

This is no time to draw back

Flee from heaviness, set your feet free
Hold your dream close, ever closer
To a heart you never tell

To quieten..

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

For K

My blog has told you most of what is important in my life. Sometimes, it has even told me!

There are pieces I forget, though. People who touched me so hard, albeit for a short while.
K is one of them...

K, by blood is my uncle. He refuses to let me call him uncle, says it makes him feel old.
About six years ago, I was very unhappy. With school, the circumstances under which I was living, Mum not being there...
I am not given to asking for sympathy, I prefer it if people just let me be. At that point, an empty room and a diary were my only sources of comfort. Neither would create a hullabaloo about me, nor get unduly upset and guilty.
I was 16 years old. K and I had last met a couple of years back. I had heard dozens of stories about him. A wild man with no use for structured education. A charmer who could talk his way into, or out of anything. He had been living in the US since he was a child, was now working in Sales.
I liked him when we met. He was funny, loose-jointed in every way.
But it was only after I moved in with the Gp's that he and I became friends. God bless Yahoo!
K is one of the most naturally empathetic people I know. I would talk about Mum being away, the GP's...whose worry for my future frequently translated into harshness, my friends, my growing disillusionments with academics and family....he listened and talked back.
He wasn't an uncle dispensing wisdom, he was a guy who had roughed it and was still learning and who liked my confidence in him.
I told him about my first real crush. I was the first to know when he decided to ask his girlfriend to marry him. He told me about the proposal...the weekend away, how he thought she might react. When I asked how he knew that she was the One...he said...'she is giving me something I have never had before, and I am giving her something she hasn't had.' He asked if I was surprised that he was taking this step.

I wasn't.

I couldn't attend his wedding, thanks to examinations. He came to Calcutta with A, his wife a few days after. We sat in my room..just he and I.. and talked. A, from the little I saw of her was quiet, steady and deeply rooted. K's complete antithesis, said the petty elders.

They left for the US a few days before my birthday. On the day, a bouquet of roses and a card was delivered to the house.
The card, in his scrawling hand, had a spelling error. The petty elders sniggered. I, who had been sternly loyal to the accuracy of the English language ever since I could read....didn't care.

The petty elders harp on about K 'not even being a graduate.' I always heard notes of derision when they talked of his work.

I don't bother to defend him. I've failed a class and been labelled many things too. Their little snobocracy wouldn't understand.

K has a younger half-brother J. Another great guy, and one I've also had long, deep talks with. He worships his big brother, and K has been as tender and caring as can be.
J, always a dedicated student, won a full scholarship to study physics at the University of Rochester in New York.
He is immensely proud of his older brother. 'He talks life,' J once said of K during one of our talks.


K now has a daughter and a son. We're not in touch very frequently. But I think of him very very often, and I wanted to write about him. He could romantically be called a long-lost uncle...but I'm guessing he wouldn't like that.
Thank you K, for being a completely unconditional listener and leaning-post. I was a mess when you found me and you made it seem normal to be messed-up. No one else could have done that.

Love you and miss you lots.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Daughterhood

A lot of people are slightly...shocked...by my relationship with my parents. My interactions with Dad especially are rather radical for a parent-child relationship. That we share cigarettes and love the same brand of rum is the least of it.
I remember an episode when, once, dad, I and another relative were talking. There was some jokey reference to my getting married, and the relative asked my dad what might happen if I married a certain kind of guy. I don't remember what is was exactly, but I said that nobody else's opinion really mattered that since I would be the one getting married. 'That's sad,' said the relative.
Da didn't look sad. Instead he explained that the choice to marry would be mine. I would be living and sharing my life with whoever-the-hell. So, his approval wasn't really the question. I have never loved my dad more than I did at that moment.

With Mum...there was the danger of too much closeness. After she moved away, our relationship actually improved. She's thousands of miles away from me, has been for over six years now. I have never felt like there was distance...like the importance between us diminished in any way.

My parents and I are equals. I take the right to yell at my dad if I think he's drinking too much. This reminds me that I must not be in the same position myself. Respect doesn't always been looking up. Sometimes it means looking at one another without fear.
Mum and Dad see me. Not simply a product or their flesh and blood-chains, not simply the daughter they wanted and raised..but me.
Kids often tell their parents, 'Let me be. I'm not perfect, not exactly what you want. But I'm me!'
Parents find it hard to accept sometimes. Mine didn't. They let me be..but on a condition.
I had to see them. Let them be.
When we think of the term 'mother', I doubt too many of us think, 'sexy single woman with a helluva steely backbone and an intense heart.' That's part of who my mum is. My parents aren't just parents. They're people who love to live and who have taken risks.
They'repeople who have screwed up badly, and lived especially to tell the tale. They are survivors.
I could not be prouder of them. I had to learn to see them fully, in order to deal with them as individual to individual. I let them live exactly how they want, they extend the same consideration to me. I trust them wholly to understand me and let me wander through life at my own pace.
This trust and consideration has been earned by both sides.
We have broken up, been bitter, felt threatened by each other, cried a thousand helpless tears...
We have lost touch, refused to talk.
Through and after all this, I bear these two relationships with fierce, fierce pride.
Dad with his ear-stud, his love for gizmos, his self-centredness, just enough to make him go after what he wants and the world be damned..my total likeness to him...

Mum..who has passed on a mighty capacity for devotion, who still calls her ex-in-laws Ma and Baba and rings them up for recipes. Who proudly puts 'Tia's mother' as her primary identity.

My parents believe in knocking before they enter my room. They give me the fullest individuality possible, they relinquish any need to control my life.
Perhaps that is why they know my life intimately. I have the choice not to tell them things, but I would much rather they knew.
I don't take for granted that love flowers automatically in blood-ties, even those as tightly bound as parent and child.
We've taken long journeys, alone, in order to create and keep our relationships. It's never been as simple as blood=loyalty. Every drop of blood, whether matched or unmatched, has had to be proven worthy. 'After all, he's your father,' or 'She's my daughter' are not sufficient to cover up the ugliness. 'She's a principled woman' works much better.

My parents are comfortable and totally honest with me. They can be all the people they want to be, and I will cheer them on. There is no shame in this love. I have two vibrant, smart, alive individuals who run with life, with me and on their own. Not because they have to, but because it's fun hanging out.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

:)

Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absent-minded.
Someone sober will worry about events going badly.
Let the lover be.


-Rumi

Happy Valentine's Day.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Weight

Sometimes the head lies so heavy on the rest of us...

Vasantotsav '08

So..I attended what my father insists on calling 'oi shob aatel concert.' 'Aatel' in Bengali loosely translates to 'wannabe-intellectual.' In Kolkata...this translates into studying literature, wearing cotton/khadi kurtas and chappals, carrying jholas, growing a beard...this is a little unfair because a lot of 'real' intellectuals also have these trimmings.

HAH! I've always wanted to use and explain that term!

Anyway...this aatel concert, more popularly known as Vasantotsav is a three-day affair organized by Dr. Vasantrao Deshpande Pratisthan, in memory of the late Hindustani Classical vocalist. I haven't heard him, but Google tells me that he was of the Patiala Gharana. (I love sounding knowledgable about things I don't know about!)
This year the performers included Ustad Zakir Hussain, Shankar Mahadevan, Dr. L. Subramaniam, Kishori Amonkar, Ghulam Ali and Begum Abida Parveen.
Now that I've name-dropped so grandly...let me affirm that I do in fact listen to these artists. I don't understand Gharana and Raaga and Thumri. I listen because their music moves me.

I missed Shankar Mahadevan and Zakir Hussain because P and I were making a Sensational Strawberry Shortcake for her brother's birthday. More on that later..it deserves its own post!

Day 2 was Dr. Subramaniam and Abida Parveen. I went with M and S, a very sweet friend of ours who is alternately shocked and amused by M and my antics. The venue was the grounds of a school in Shaniwar Peth. For any non-Puneiite readers, Pune has a 'Peth' for every day of the week.
A chair would have cost us 2000 bucks, so we had settled gracefully for a square patch of earth for 350 rupees. It's called 'Bharatiya Baithak.'
(Note: The chairs were all plastic.)

I wish I had a picture of the stage, I fell so madly in love with it!
Twas designed on the lines of a royal court where the Nawabs reclined and smoked hookahs while musicians and dancers performed. There was even a red silk chaise for anchor Nana Patekar to 'recline' on.
Behind the stage was a giant canvas, with a painting of a twilight sky. The colours changed as the lights fell on it...red-gold, lavender-blue, hazy green...

Dr. Subramaniam won me over with his humility. His violin and his brilliant back-up musicians were rugged yet harmonious. Very simply, I was awed at their speed and perfection. How much devotion goes into training your fingers and mouth and mind to work like that!

Abida...

I've listened to her and tried to read some of the poets whose kalams and ghazals she sings...but nothing had me prepared for her sheer stage presence.
Abida on stage is raw power and energy and passion. However many Higher Powers there may be, whether or not they co-exist in harmony...I'm pretty certain that on Saturday night this week past..they were back-slapping buddies who took a moment to brush away a surreptitious tear.
A plump woman with beautiful skin and masses of curly hair, dressed in black with a colourful shawl thrown around her was praising the Highest Power, that of Love. And never has love sounded so un-trite, so significant. There was no mournful chanting, no talk of fear or modesty or righteousness. Instead, there was complete giving, a passionate union and unsuppressed joy in loving so much.
She used her voice, her hair, her entire body and I wanted to go up and hug her, except I was afraid even that would restrain her.
She held us through 'Mast Kalandar' and 'Yar tha, Gulzar tha' and I swear...people were clapping and moving their bodies like they were at a rock concert. I don't think Heaven was ever felicitated with more celebration.

Day 3, I heard Ghulam Ali and very little of Kishori Amonkar. Ghulam Ali saab...again very sweet. he sang 'Kal Chaudvin ki Raat Thi' and 'Chupke Chupke' and 'Saamne Baitha Tha' and explained some of the shers most humbly.

Kishori Amonkar...I'm sorry I couldn't stay for your entire performance. I didn't know it would go on till midnight, and out of respect for Raju who came to pick us up, I had to leave at a decent time. You're very pretty, you know, and I think you would have a dimple in your right cheek if you smiled more. I saw you smile and praise one of your backup singers, a young, delicate looking girl.
You are wonderful to listen to, but watching you live, especially in cramped conditions with an aching back and legs isn't really happy. Had it been a smaller group, and had I been less achy, I would have sat through. I listen to you whenever I need to concentrate hard. I hope I get to see you again soon.


I'm so glad I took the plunge and went ahead with this, despite transport issues. I had only heard, and heard of, most of these artists...seeing and hearing them in this setting has been incredibly moving.
What saddened me was that I couldn't share it with any of the people I would have liked, apart from M.

Boss, who fostered in me a general interest in Sufism and Sufi music

My mashi, who got me to listen to Abida for the first time...

And most of all...S...without whom this grounded-in-rock-music woman would never have given this music a chance...

Friday, February 08, 2008

bhulbo na

The other day, a gentleman at the Store asked me, 'How can the liberal Bengali take Nandigram lying down?'

By taking a stand, sir, by taking a stand.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Ok...so my cell phone has hung. I can't access my menu, my inbox...nothing!

Worst of all, I don't think the alarm will work either. Woe is me!

Have been very tired and hungry and PMS-ey all day. Reading Johnson's 'Preface to Shakespeare' for tomorrow's class. Am already exasperated!
I don't care to analyze Shakespeare. I don't care that he flouted the Three Unities. And I'm never reading his historical plays because, except for Julius Caeser...THEY'RE BORING!
I didn't even like Antony and Cleopatra! And I think we should all just leave poor Hamlet ALONE!

In Philosophy class today, we learnt that there is a theory that propounds the possiblility that 'Christianity' is really 'Krishna's Niti.'
Dude type no?!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Gift

You tell me that silence
is nearer to peace than poems


but if for my gift
I brought you silence
(for I know silence)


you would say

This is not silence
this is another poem


and you would hand it back to me.


~Leonard Cohen

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Love




"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


From The Velveteen Rabbit
Written by Margery Williams
Illustrations by William Nicholson

Read the whole story here.

Excerpt

While the romantic comedy has almost always trafficked in happy endings, that happiness is rarely accompanied by a sense of risk or exhilaration.
When you think of, say, Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn, you will recall the emotional combat of two strong-willed, independent individuals ending in mutual conquest.

Love was a dangerous and noble sport that required skill and cunning as well as commitment. It required movie stars whose physical appeal was matched by verbal dexterity and a vital sense of idiosyncrasy.




From Funny, how romance is dying
by A.O. Scott
Published in the New York Times
Reprinted in The Sunday Express

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Yea Baby

You are Barefoot!
You're a total free spirit, go with the flow girlYou can't be restricted by shoes for very longAnd unsuprisingly, the same goes for menYour match is out there - and he's as carefree as you are

Monday, January 28, 2008

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do,
and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough,
and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.

But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

--Mary Oliver--

Sunday, January 27, 2008

From me to me

Little girl
Be silent, always apologetic for any noise you make.
Remember you are strong(sometimes you need to crack)
Built to endure
To give

Always

Cry always

hidden

(tell no one!)

Woman

Always always
be afraid of giving offence

(I would like to be asked, sometime, if I want to cry)

yes, I am wrong
even if I am not

I will store it

(my body is deep enough)

tears are disruptive

remember

the wetness, the anger
of your eyes

disturbances
all

(recite!)

when you asked if you are strong

(nod)

you are here to weather
the heaviest of tides

to continue
straight of back
at all times

(I fear nothing but disharmony)

willing giver of your own blood

you bear love

alone

(I forgive and never forget)


Copyright: Ahana Basu
January 2008





Thursday, January 24, 2008

Lines

July Child writes, 'It's time I stopped acting stupider than I actually am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me too.

Thanks Tripuri, for not letting me sink beneath it :)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Dear Sister

My biggest role in the family is that of big sister. Now I know most of yall are familiar..maybe even overfamiliar... with my brother.
But you don't know much about my little sister. My mashi's daughter. We grew up together...were bitter enemies at one time. But we were playmates! And how we played. Crazy fashion shows and re-enactment of Disney movies...

Now she's fifteen. Smart, with a delightful sense of humour. Precocious, mad about boys and clothes and books. She has a wardrobe I consciously raid whenever I visit. I am now her stylist, her sounding board and her guide to sexual activity(stop sniggering people!).

I'm worried. She, like me has a scattered family. Certain ties have been cut altogether. The ones that hold are currently very frail. There have been ugly confrontations and showdowns. My mashi and I are close, and she has always seen me as my sister's keeper.
In this situation, I feel helpless. How do I tell them that if they could just set aside some time for one another. Maybe communicate a little more than talking about schoolwork and tuitions and how the phone-bill is too high.
I've learnt this over the past three years. Relationships need to be looked after. Need exclusive time. Even blood ties pale if they are not nurtured.
I am incredibly blessed that my grandmother(yes the Gestapo one), my mum and now my stepmum have been around to teach me this.

My little sister is turning completely to her friends for support and emotional nourishment. And even there I hear of so much disappointment and back-stabbing.
I can't give her what she needs. Not all of it. She needs her home, her mum. Meals eaten together. Time together.


Please God, let her have it all. Let her know the joy that is true bonding. And don't please don't let her be cynical about relationships and giving.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Kolkata..

Mum and I


Sisters..Mum and Shampi Mashi


Sisters 2...Shoie and I :)

song

...aadha sa wada kabhi
Aadhe se jayada kabhi
Jee chahe karlu is tarah

wafa ka

Chhode na chhoote kabhi
Tode na tute kabhi
Jo dhaga tumse jud gaya
wafa ka...




-Irshad Kamil (Jab We Met)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Rumour has it...


...that this could be the official poster for the sixth Harry Potter movie, scheduled to release on the 11th of November this year.
A lot of the fansites are scheduled to visit the sets of Half-Blood Prince soon...in fact there's already an appropriately 'OH MY GAWD!' post up here.
Word is also going round that Deathly Hallows may be filmed as two full-length movies.
Can't wait!!!!!!!

Friday, January 18, 2008

Letter

Dear Little Girls Who Live in My Building.

Yes I have a mum who lives away.

Yes Eeshaan is my real REAL brother.

Yes I am 22 years old, and no, I have no intention of marrying right now.

No I didn't always live here, I was born in Calcutta and lived there 20 years!

But you know what!

I'm here now, and I'm nice and i'm just....me.

So deal with it and back off! And tell your mothers too!

Gossipiness in 7 yr olds isn't pretty.

Love

Your Local Big Sister

Put Your Head in the Oven and Screeeaaam!

A college campus, green and glowing. Two girls walking(dragging their feet?), looking worn out from too much concentration.

A man, youngish, incredibly sexy, wearing a navy blue jacket walks briskly behind them, catches up, is passing them when...

Obsessed College Girl(slightly breathless): Good Morning Sir!

The Man(looking around and smiling): Hello people. Lectures over?

OCG: Yeah, that's why we're in such great shape!

The Man has passed them, he is now walking ahead

He pivots, grinning...

Man: So...lectures leave you in bad shape??

OCG(with silly, simpery smile): Not all of them...


THE END


P was with me when this happened. She got great pleasure out of seeing me 'knocked off balance.' Apparently that doesn't happen to me often enough. Hah! If she only knew!
This only days after I was giggling and twirling my hair, only one day after I cheerfully told him the ontological argument against the existence of God, when he had asked for the one for.
Tis all good, giggly, girly fun! After I crawl out of my Too Embarrassed to Breathe Hole.











Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Crushes, compliments and consciousness

Ok, several things to write about, so I shall be un-Tia like and do it in order.

Firstly...I have Gratitude Bubbles to send out to the Boss and to Jyoti. I believe strongly that compliments can brighten up the dreariest of days. And I know that these two women would never gush or be insincere.
So...thank you for making me believe in Soul-Tia a little more. Look out for great big colourful bubbles in your dreams tonight!

Second....I have an embarassingly blatantly crush on my Philosophy professor! Well ok, maybe it's not so embarrassing since I'm definitely not the only one!
But, I am the only one who giggles and twirls her hair while he's talking in class! Ick! Like some hormonal adolescent!
Oh wait, I am hormonal, just not adolescent so...that makes my statement defunct! HMPH!
Ok, in that case...Hurrah for Hormonal Adolescent Behaviour!!!!!!
But seriously..how can you not love a guy who says 'crap' and 'goddamn' while explaining Philosophy and Religion!

Third....ok, this is reference to something the Boss wrote about my being 'completely unbiased about people.'
Now, I have a very simple, and I suspect very naive theory about this.
Being biased is to set up walls, shut certain people out, refuse to really get to know them.
I do have such biases. Based on completely personal things such as owning Innovas (grin), being the obnoxious ex of a friend (seriously you do not want to mess with people I love!) and so on.
But setting up walls means I miss out on getting to know people. And who knows how many soul-matey, wonderfully quirky people are out there!

How much soul-stretching and learning would I accept if I can't accept people?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

AAAARGHHHH!

Italics have a softness to them. The slant, the sway of the letters...I like to use them when I'm writing with care.

I have often been in contact, close contact with people whose values are not exactly in harmony with mine.
Sometimes the relationship has worked, sometimes it hasn't. I usually manage to make space, otherwise it just..fades off. No bitterness either way.

My value-system revolves around letting people be, and honouring commitment whether professional or personal. My biggest value-based goal is to be less afraid.

Why am I writing all this? In truth, this post is about why it pierces me when S is...harsh. Even though the harshness is not directed towards me, I cry. For him?
What does it mean when you keep someone so close to your heart that it feels their hard edges even though you weren't there physically.

Why does it matter to me what kind of human being he grows into? Why does every soft gesture he makes make my smile sing, my fingers tingle with hope?
S isn't romance material, not for me. In fact, I've been telling myself that he's no material at all for my life. Interacting with him had become painful, frustrating, hard. Casting him away is...painful, frustrating, hard.
And I completely lack the ability to be neutral. To 'make conversation.'

Our value-systems collide.

Our value-systems collide?

Yes I suppose they do.

S...

With every bit of harshness, you push me further away. And you are a person I want to know. Unwrap and dive into.

Love not exclusively, but expressively.

My kind of loving fascinates you, but goes against you. Your kind of understated, prim, fiercely private affection.

I can't see you and make pleasant small talk. I can either be fiercely, loudly loving or cut you off completely.

It's just that....we go so against each other's grain, but I feel like I'd miss out on so much if I cast you off.

Sunday, January 13, 2008



There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”
~~~~~~~
“Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.”



-Matt Groening, The Simpsons

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Churan Talk

I am spooning out white powder from a jar and eating it. The jar reads Ajwain Pachak Goli. Below that it says, 'Remove Stomach Trouble.'

They really shouldn't leave me alone at home is what I say.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Life For Rent


I haven't really ever found a place that I call home

I never stick around quite long enough to make it

I apologize that once again

I'm not in love

But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking


It's just a thought,

only a thought


But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy

Well I deserve nothing more than I get

Cos nothing I have is truly mine


I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea

To travel the world alone and live my life more simply

I have no idea what's happened to that dream

Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me


It's just a thought,

only a thought


But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy

Well I deserve nothing more than I get

Cos nothing I have is truly mine


While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down

While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try

Well how can I say I'm alive


If my life is for rent...


-Dido

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Thank You Georgie

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family.....

in another city

George Burns

.....and there are days I truly believe that!