Reflections on a Technical Experience~A Totally Random and Absurd Play

Characters-Poorva, Shama, Boss, Tia and Jahnavi

Tia: But it's all GLASS!

Jahnavi: Oh look, that building has the coolest illusion! It's like...you disappear, then re-appear..

Shama: On our scale of 1 to 10, no guy even made it to zero!

Poorva: I have never worked so hard in my life!

Tia: Black and white and beige and GLASS!

Shama: What's pink and long and thin?

Tia: Can I spray-paint the glass-panes???

Shama: What's black and long and thin?

Jahnavi: My calculator's cooler than yours! BLEH!

Poorva: I dashed into this guy.

Shama: What's white and long and thin?

Tia: Look, you can see your reflection in the FLOOR!

Poorva: And then he was standing behind me in line and GHOOROFYING!

Tia and Jahnavi: Shama's SMILING at him! oooohhh!

All: I'm aching all over!!!!

Tia: I destroyed one of their umbrellas. Oh no wait! It was already broken!

Shama: The loos upstairs are green and purple!

Jahnavi: Imagine working here everyday!

Shama: Can I just run to the loo?

Tia: I have come to the conclusion that nobody here does any work!

Boss: There's nobody here over forty!

Shama: Can I just run to the loo?

Boss: Those mops can't possibly help in cleaning!

Tia: My calculator has an auto-check! YAY!

Boss: I want that lady cleaning the railings in my new house!

Shama: Can I just run to the loo?

Tia: Why would anyone want to do it in an elevator??? Horrible cramped space with fluorescent lighting.

Shama: You can't do ANYTHING in these elevators! they're GLASS!

Boss: Housekeeping is a very Yin thing.

All: I wonder where Subway is!

Poorva: I got told off for wearing jeans! I said, 'I am not amongst you all!' But she said that jeans were only allowed on Fridays!

Shama: No, it's ok! I have no special attachment to the elevator.

Tia: No, don't get chips! Director aa raha hai! kam par jayega!

Shama: You know how many houses I shifted??? Moving boxes is like childhood memories for me!

THE END

Mulshi

River Babies





The Wet Crow Look


Disclaimer: No we weren't drunk...yet!

Yo no le adoro como

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

~Pablo Neruda

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.


-Elizabeth Bishop

I wish...

Comic courtesy: www.comicspage.com

Ummm...

Benny took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Wants to make a favorable impression and be reward..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

An Eye on England, Sitaphal and Love

I used to love the custard-apple as a child. In Bengal, it is known as the aata. It is one of the ugliest fruits in appearance, with scaly black-green skin and hard, black seeds inside. One must cut it in half and scoop out of the pale flesh of the fruit around the seeds. Usually, we just spoon everything into our mouth and spit the seeds out.
I lost patience with this tedious fruit. You couldn't make a milkshake out of it and pour it down quickly. It is a sit-down-Sunday-breakfast fruit, requiring spoon and plate and time.

Dadu sent me some aatas yesterday. All the way from Kolkata.
Dadu is 77 now, and forgets a lot of things. For instance, that this is not the season for aata. I imagine him out for a walk, passing the fragrant fruit-stalls at Jadubabu's Bajar, seeing the aatas, and simply remembering that I used to love them. That, for him was enough reason to buy them.
When I called this morning to tell him I had eaten one of the aatas for breakfast, he read me an article on rising crime among college-age people in England. 'This happens mainly in industrial towns,'he said soberly, implying his disapproval of my applying to universities in such towns.

S once said to me, 'Grandparents always have a lot of affection for their grandchildren.'

I thought this too simple to integrate into my life. Where I am, family and blood is not always the same thing.
But thinking about it last night, thinking of the three aatas curled up in the fruit-bowl, I figured that maybe S had a point.
Always having affection isn't simple. Not at all.

Teary

Mostly, in my life, writing has blotted out tears,
sometimes even taken their place

Sometimes there are pieces of my life too sharp to let out
even through writing

That's when i cry.

Say Hello to Mother Goose

Why isn't there a Chicken Soup for the Big Sister's Soul?
Lord knows I could use one.

They never told me siblinghood was so difficult. I wasn't to know it would be so close to the bones of motherhood. So fraught with love that I would sit myself down every time I yelled at him and think I was terrible.
That if he didn't eat, I'd worry he was sickening for something.

Oh and the self-blame.

I screamed at him today and daid he was slow...it's all my fault if he gets a complex.

Why didn't I make him sleep in the afternoon, no wonder if he was sleepy and hardly ate dinner!

Every meal, all I tell him is eat! eat! eat! When he grows up, what will he remember...a sister who fed him all five food-groups or one who heard him out and talked back?

Nutrients or good conversation
Discipline~ a little, a lot, too damn much???
Let him get out there and figure things out for himself while I stop breathing till he's home safe...or just let go.

Yes, it's funny. I'm twenty-two and I'm raising a child. He isn't orphaned or neglected...I just do it because anything less is too little. I berate myself for not doing it right by him. For screaming too much. Saying too little. Not answering his endless questions.
I make funny faces sometimes. Go to pick up his report card and talk back to his teacher. Fall asleep and wake up too late to get his homework done.
What's really amazing is...that he never questions it..

Palm Line

Where are we, the two of us? Between us is
no blood, no named ties
a storied past and

quiet places on our bodies we visited as us.

I watch you unfold
wave by wave, finger by finger
place by place

I don't understand if we have come back
Or if you have

Have I come where it must be you and no other?

I give my love like the sky
And then
I give my love for you
Like secret red flowers
Set afloat on grey waters and
Those grey waters alone

Where we are now will be lost
These words will change and
our bodies rise and fall

I'll leave a little of my hands
In the dust around you
In the place you feel safe

Any place you are
I am
we are
I can love you

Central Park, NYC

Photographs courtesy: Eeshaan Singh Basu, age 7.

Know what's really annoying!

When people expect you to be an adult, and then treat you like a child.

Tentative exam dates have been harassed out of HOD. Mid-october till the 30th. Which means....I GET TO SEE MUM IN TIME FOR HER 50TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!
Now I have to think of the present...

The Oddball née the Router turned 18 yesterday. Twas worth sitting on the floor at Landmark going, 'ok, so what reminds us of him?', compromising my reputation in Dorabjee, having to buy painkillers, planning road-blocks, and risking my life on an eight-minute bike-ride I shall never forget. Worth every bit to hear him say it was a good birthday. And seeing him dance!
I'm sure Weed will agree :/
Oh but it was fun primping and having discussions with Weed and RS on blue clothes, face masks and make-up. And dancing hilariously and getting high on blue soda!
I hope he finds his present(s) useful. GRIN!

M's birthday on Sunday. We've got a big day planned. I'm hoping it all works out ok. Fingers crossed.
J is coming next month to play at the RockPub fest. Looking forward to seeing him. Also, E will be playing his first piano concert soon! That will bring back memories :)
The Gestapo is coming at the end of the month, but I have PLANS of...handling her! MWAHAHAHAHAH!
See yall!

Days and seconds

I've been thinking about this post. Things have been...strange, amazing, scary, full of love...I was wondering how to pull it all into a post..

Applications for university are beginning. I have essays to write and re-write, dozens of enquiries to send, recommendations to wrangle out of people...

Dad will be shifting to The Sweet Homeland in a couple of months. I shall miss the guy. I mean,I'm the only Equal he has. Sigh. This whole International Parents thing is really really tough at times.
But it's made me love them a lot more...cos we're all really lovable in small doses. Living with each other on a regular basis doesn't work for any of us.

I attended a wonderfully stimulating writing workshop last month. A million thanks to Jamie, Jenny and Sameer. I have to send essays to them as well so...I'm writing properly after a long time.

College is killing me! I do not understand Linguistics. I do not want to learn Phonetics or Speech Acts! I have to write a paper on all of this in two months time...and I AM DYING!

S came over and cooked for us. Yummy fried rice and chicken. He stayed half the night. We talked, fought, listened to music, I cried, he lingered...
This is our forever.

The Little Scientist

My seven-year-old brother made these :) couldn't resist putting them up.

sigh(hahaha)sigh

Some days I don't know
why I was born.
Not since I've seen you!
The birds settle down in the field
to eat seeds in fall.
But I cant settle, there's no soft white
petal under my wind,
(Not since I've seen you!)

Pero da Ponte

Discovered on Maddie's blog :)

Thank you, you beautiful person.

Lurrrve it!

A Song For All Lovers

Imagine the morning no longer alone
The arms of another, a place to belong
No longer the struggle, no longer the night
And ever becoming in the quickening light

To see in the darkness, to listen within
To answer in kindness, to ever begin
To ever be gentle, to always be strong
To walk in the wonder, to live in the song

In a place of enchantment where the wild things are known
Will the future remember when the lovers are gone?

-John Denver

The painting is by Marc Chagall. Much affection and gratitude to The Router who brought me back in touch with him...

I'm in Writing Mode. My workshop ended today and i have a Ferris Wheel in my head with about eight-four thousand riders screaming to be let off on paper or blank document.
I love being crazy. I love going over the top and stuttering in excitement and loving people till they're gasping to be set free. I sometimes think that maybe I should slow down, and I think I will, just to see how it feels but I love this gleeful headiness.

Sparkles

An ex-boyfriend-and-dear-friend asking when he can come over and cook for us

Dad asking me in a weird hissy whisper if i have cigarettes


My baby brother running up and hugging me from behind.


Mum's non-veg jokes.

Watching E while he sleeps and bending over to kiss his darling head.

Writing a long letter to a prospective new friend :)


Late-night calls from Neha where we cackle with laughter about everything.

The rare, sweet smiles and straight looks the Router gives me...

Sitting with M in silence, then suddenly pulling a terrible face, making us both giggle.

Sitting in my balcony, watching rain and getting splashed.

late-night movies with Stepmum

A favourite song suddenly on the radio.

Sitting on walls or window seats and dangling my legs.

Trying a new soap or shower-gel or shampoo.

Being near enough someone I love, not touching, but inhaling their scent.

Eating chips and reading Bridget Jones!

Sitting on tnt steps...any steps really, I love staircases.

Walks

Smoke rising from incense sticks

passionate people

Watching 'You've Got Mail' a squillion times

....

So what makes you sparkle :)

Oh What a Falling There Was

I can't believe it's all over. All the planning, all that stress, all my frantic attempts at reassuring Weed that all would go well...but twas all so completely worth it!

The Event was marvellous! From our waltzing into Pizza Hut wearing robes, to the Router and I sitting on tnt steps acting drunk at 5:45 am, to us leaping up and down outside $%(^$^#$(&#$ showing off our fresh, new copies of HP before theirs had come...twas a night of madness!

The venue looked great thanks to Ninad's brilliance and Weed's lovely lovely posters. The participants were bubbling with enthusiasm...the Router and Shri-Can't had us rolling all over in Elocution and JAM. You guys were really really great!
I was totally impressed by how well-informed the kids were! The Group Discussion would probably never have ended had we not stopped it. Our Petites team tnt-ians were adorable in Gryffindor robes and enjoyed themselves thoroughly, despite having but the barest idea of HP World.
The Quiz went off wonderfully.(yes Nahar, I know I've told you that about twenty times, but so what!) Again, the participants were impressive. Tis amazing how deep theý have entered into Potter World. The Router reprised his role as Quizmaster, with the result that most women over twenty-five( and a few below 25 who kept quiet!) were raving over him before the first round of questions was over! Twas a clear, well-organized, totally committed effort. Pat on the back to you :)
Once the Event was over, we started pushing Boss to get to the distributors already! Finally managed to get her going and we all went back to tnt to open the Store and set up for a long day. Sat about in various stages of drowsiness, till at 6:15, the Qualis drew up...and we all jumped up and started screaming and shoving each other about trying to get to the boxes in the back.
Tape was hacked at, flaps wrenched open...and suddenly....it was the Moment!
Black-and-red, about 600 pages, hardbound, glowing with newness and holding a million secrets!
More impatience ensued. We grabbed a copy each, gazed, hugged, kissed the cover and got ourselves billed.
THEN...sleeplessness and euphoria having mingled and risen to dangerous levels, we jumped into the Qualis, ULM at the wheel and drove to that-bookshop-which shall-never-be-named-on-this-blog.
It was barely open, people wating outside for their HP's. We got off, jumped up and down outside showing off our new books...much to the chagrin of the poor watchman who ran towards us, then halted confusedly, not sure if he wanted to take on this bunch of wild-eyed hooligans! Damage done, we came back to tnt.
Many thanks to ULM for being the Greatest Sport ever!


....and so we transformed one room in a nearby club into a new world and made magic and madness such as Rowling herself would've been proud of.
I love the book. To quote the Router, 'I loved it before it had even released!'
But the build-up was just as amazing.
And this kind of crazed love and enthusiasm is what keeps tnt going...
Thank you, all the witches and wizards, the pixies and elves...all with your own unique magic, your love for tnt and Harry Potter, for creating this night.

Rash reactions to the rash

Dad: It's an allergy!

Me: But i've never been allergic to anything, ever!

Dad(happily): ooh, maybe you're allergic to air. then you'll have to wear a space-suit all the time. Hey, then maybe you'll get married cos the groom won't be able to see you!

E(gravely): Baba, of course she's not allergic to air. (pauses) There's only thing she's allergic to. (pauses)
SUNLIGHT!

Disclaimer: My dad loves me very much! I am just off to my doctor for more reactions!

Tagged

by Insanerambler and Jahnavi

200. My Middle Name Is:
Don't have one. if I did, twould be...The Vague

199. I was born in:
Calcutta

197. My cell phone company is:
Idea / Nokia 6300

196. My eye color is:
brown

195. My shoe size is:
5

194. My ringtone is:
Rock

193. My height is:
5 ft 1"

192. I am allergic to:
Trying to find out. My dad's hoping it's air so I'll have to wear a space-suit!

190. I live in:
Pune, for now.

189. The last book I read:
the 7th Harry Potter book!

188. My bed is:
BIG

187. Are you happy with your life?
ecstatic!

186. Last person to send you a text message:
Kavita

185. Ever smoked a cigarette?
Yes

184. AIM or MSN or Yahoo! or gtalk:
msn and gtalk

183. Do you email:
yes

182. How is the weather today:
pleasant, slightly humid

181. Do you have your wisdom teeth:
yes

180. Ever been to Disney World:
Yes

179. My favorite holiday is:
Durga Pujo/Christmas

178. The perfect kiss is:
unexpected

177. The last three cds I bought:
OST of Music & Lyrics, OST of The Lion King 2 and The Greatest Hollywood Musicals.

176. Last song that made you cry:
naam gum jayega from Kinara

170. What did you do yesterday?
attended a Linguistics lecture, ate grilled cheese sandwich, attended Creative Writing Workshop, ate chips,picked up Sameer's present, listened to old music and slept.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

142. Love at first sight?
sure.

141. Luck?
yes

140. Fate?
yes

139. God?
yes

138. Aliens?
yes

137. Heaven?
no

136. Hell?
no

135. Ghosts?
yes

134. Horoscopes?
no

133. Soul mates?
yes

WHICH IS BETTER:

129. Hugs or Kisses?
both

127. Phone or Online?
phone if it's late-night, online...yes...but I'd rather meet

126. Redheads or Black Hair?
black hair

125. Blondes or Brunettes?
brunettes

124. Hot or Cold?
hot

123. Summer or winter?
summer

122. Sun or Rain?
rain

121. Chocolate or Vanilla?
vanilla

120. Night or Morning?
night

119. Oranges or Apples?
oranges

120. straight or curly hair?
both

LAST TIME I:

101. Saw someone I hadn't seen in a while?
Sunday

100. Cried in front of someone:
Gosh...sometime in 2005

90. Who is the ditziest person you know:
Me

89. Who makes you laugh the most:
Pia,Mum,E,Alisha

87. The last movie you saw:
Pother Panchali

82. The thing I don't understand:
boundaries, why I can only do MA in one subject

80. The most unsatisfactory answer I've ever received:
hmmm, I see

79. The things I plan on doing this season is:
Applying for my Master's, travelling a bit, writing seriously

74. The thing I'm looking forward to most:
Moving on from Pune

73. The thing I'm not looking forward to doing:
all the paperwork and hassle

72. Today:
I'm smiling

71. This summer:
was full of travel and affection.

70. This week:
is going slow

62. The person who knows the most about me:
Neha, Shakun, M, Mum-Dad, Boss

61. The person who can read me the best is:
Neha-Shakun-M and Mum-Dad.

60. The most difficult thing to do is:
let it be.

54. First time you had a crush:
I was 11.

52. Last time someone said what you were thinking:
M, yesterday.

50. What is your dream job:
writing, singing

49. First job:
tnt

46. I hope:
I get independent real fast!

45. The worst sound in the world is:
whining

44. The person that makes me cry the most:
umm....me I guess. And some beautiful writers.

35. Florida or Hawaii:
Hawaii

33. My favorite piece of clothing:
my white cotton pyjama-pants

30. My friends are:
totally wow!

29. My computer:
is dying!

28. The school I go to:
Fergusson College

22. The all-time best movie is:
I dunno...You've Got Mail, Casablanca??....oh sod it, too many!

21. The all-time best thing in the world is:
Love, privacy, independence

20. Last thing you ate:
Chicken curry with roti and mixed pickle

19. The most annoying thing ever is:
too many questions, being ignored

18. The most annoying person you know is:
The Gestapo

17. I lose all respect for people that/who:
whine, try to categorise everything, make forced conversation

16. The movies I have cried at are:
Casablanca, An Affair to Remember, KKHH, 15 Park Avenue

15. Last phone call:
Mum

14. TV shows you watch:
The OC, The Simpsons, Desperate Housewives, Ugly Betty, Friends, Doogie Houser MD, The Wonder Years

13. Last friend you hung out with?
M and Shreya

12. I want to be:
less ofa procrastinator

11. The worst pain I ever felt:
shrug...there's been plenty of crazy pain

9. My room is:
my sanctuary

8. My favorite celebrity is:
JK Rowling

6. My favorite colors:
red, black, sea-green

5. My weakness is:
laziness

3. Who broke your heart:
There are definite scars, but my heart is whole and strong

2. One thing that makes you feel great is:
laughter, being wanted

1. Love and the potential of being hurt OR never loved but never hurt?
love and potential always

I could scream! Coolly and with the utmost joy kill them! I'm not considering that they're kids. I don't care if they have lousy parents and a 'bad upbringing.' I will not have some sub-human little freaks torture my brother every day.
And what are we,the family supposed to do? Say 'it's a boys' school, such things happen'
WHAT THE FUCK!!!
Where the hell is it written that boys must be animalistic bullies in school! I'm supposed to watch a six-year-old come home crying every day AND SHRUG IT OFF BECAUSE IT'S A BOYS SCHOOL??? Call me overprotective. Accuse me of making him a sissy. I don't mind a fair fight. I'd cheer him on, teach him a few moves! BUT THESE COWARDLY LITTLE BASTARDS ARE OLDER AND BIGGER AND THEY KNOW IT! They bloody humiliate him and the STUPID parents do nothing!
WHO THE FUCK MADE UP THIS BOYS SCHOOL CULTURE!
I can't say anything to the little creeps because E must not be called a softie. And he won't retaliate because they are older....and well...there are two or three of them. You talk to parents...they deny that their precious little boy could possibly do such things...or they laugh it off!
Tomorrow, their precious little brat will be beating his wife and sleeping around...and they'll still react the same way!
Teach your poisonous little scumbag a few manners Parents!
I don't care if this is the world today. I don't give a bloody piece of shit!

Ok, so I am on a no-chip diet. Starting today. I've made pretty good progress. There were rows of Lays in E2, and I wasn't even tempted. I walked right past our local All-Purpose Store and the supermarket without even looking. This area is to chip-addicts what I am to self-restraint. Buuuttt...I shall triumph :)

The movie is crowded. Things happen all at once, events slide into one another. Even Sirius' death is treated far too lightly. Considering its monumental importance in Harry's life, methinks it could have been heightened much more.
Performances are good. Imelda Staunton gets under the skin of Dolores Umbridge! From the hem hem, to the falsely sweet laugh to the fluttery way of speaking, she's done a wonderful job. Helena Bonham Carter plays Bellatrix Lestrange. She looks like a cross between Catwoman and and a Soho hooker fallen on hard times but she is captivating. Bellatrix's complete devotion to Voldemort, her mad joy at his return and her unflinching sadism are portrayed well. Evanna Lynch as Luna Lovegood and Natalia Tena as Tonks are truly enjoyable.

The growing relationship between Ron and Hermione is a high point in the movie. Tisn't flashy or especially highlighted. Instead, director David Yates makes sure that their relationship rings true to their adoloscence. The little, creeping tenderness-es, the compliment that means so much, this was by far my favourite relationship in the movie.
The end is rather nice. Harry's grief at losing Sirius, his realization that he 'has something that Voldemort doesn't...something worth fighting for,' endear him to the audience. Keeping in mind that most of the audience have been following Harry's life since he was eleven years old, tis bittersweet to watch him grow up.
Tis a testament to J.K. Rowling's writing power that her character arouses such affection in her readers.
Tisn't easy to make a movie of the books. There's too much struggle between detail and time, too many nuances that can be tapped into only in 700-odd pages.
Hats off to David Yates for a thoroughly creative effort.

This has been a week of meetings. Coffee dates with Alisha and Tripuri, an accidental meeting with Rekha and a much-awaited, much planned meeting with the Rambler who is as prettiful as I remember :)
And a here-I-go-shooting-my-mouth-off-again meeting with the Router, which he really did not deserve. I mean, somebody who calls to tell me that a g&r video with half-naked Axle and Slash is airing on VH1 is someone I should hang on to :)

I didn't know it was possible to love a body so much
Till

I saw
the deep lines etched into your neck

only just below your hairline

your body

memorized

in the spaces between my fingers.

ee cummings

1. somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands





2. i carry your heart with me


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Wheeeee!

Yay yay yay! We've got HP tickets for the first show on Friday! Weed deserves 39875 hugs for sleepwalking to the advance-tickets counter the minute it opened!
Haven't been down to tnt to look at the Very Cute Broomstick yet. Tis lovely that someone is so HP-crazy. He's also made a Quidditch pitch I hear. Now that is the epitome of Huggableness!

Okie, I is off to Snoozy Town.

Much love to yall.

From the Desk of Benny Blue, T.Y.B.A. Student!

Kind of swamped, but tis a good kind of exhaustion. Continuous lectures from 7:30 to 12:30 and then a creative non-fiction workshop from 1 till 3.
And what lectures! Honours this year is almost entirely technical, with one paper in Linguistics and Orientation and the other in Literary Criticism. Linguistics is very interesting, or would be if we didn't have the world's Most Archaic Professor! The guy never steps out of the books. You ask him about the relevance of sign language and body language...HE SHUFFLES! Try asking him how a society would function without language as the primary source of communication...he giggles! And I have two lectures with him three times a week. TRAUMA!
General English consists of about a hundred poems and two novels. YAYEEE! I so hope we don't get the Prize Idjit we had last year!

I detest learning the techniques of English, so my brain is already taxed, and tis only been two days. But great fun.

The writing workshop is being conducted by some people from Penn State University. Tis very enjoyable and open. We're currently writing on people and their spaces. Basically, what connects us to cerian places
Philosophy rocks this year. Two topics...Philosophy and Aesthetics and Philosophy in Religion. Sounds very very interesting.

I'm also studying Industrial Psychology this year. The course reads like an HR manual, frankly. I hate stuff that promises to mould you into a manager! All the books seem to say, is 'be positive'. Last time i checked, that was an Anil Kapoor dialogue in a movie where he was hanging off a cliff.

Loving college, looking forward to plenty of happy work! And Harry Potter approaches :) :) :) The Router and I will be at the entry-desk during the Event, so if either of us has a black eye or a bleeding nose...(just kidding Boss!) We are planning a day out of Pune for M's birthday next month, and our Pondicherry trip will be finalised soon. Very excited!

Listening to Neil Young, Marvin and Tammy and some lovely monsoon raagas by Kishori Amonkar.

Old love

Do nainaa aaur ek kahaanee
thoda saa baadal
thoda saa paanee
aaur... ek kahaanee

chhotee see do zeelon mein
wo bahatee rahatee hai
koyee sune yaa naa sune
kahatee rahatee hai
kuchh likh ke aaur kuchh jubaanee

thode sai hain jaanee huyee
thodee see nayee
jahaa ruke aansoo
wahee pooree ho gayee
hai to nayee fir bhee hain puraane...

ek khatm ho to
doosaree yaad aa jaatee hai
hothhon pe fir bhoolee huyee
baat aa jaatee hai
Masoom

Tis an old favourite. Sometimes a lover, sometimes a child.

Come one, come all

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Join us in an all-night vigil as we count down to the most eagerly awaited HP book yet.
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Benny in Point-form

Dining room full of people watching the Crossroads Guitar Festival and joking about Clapton only being allowed to play rhythm.

Anuranan releases today! I have all my fingers crossed...for the success of the movie...and close personal relationship with Rahul Bose (GRIN!)

Tis so much fun to see the expression on guests'faces when Dad asks if he can bum a smoke off me.

Have been having very nice chats/textings with the Rambler :)

Have been watching trailers of the Potter movie every 15 minutes. Cannot wait for release. Have begun Intro to HP course with E. Tis way more interesting than Hindi matras.

This blogger whose writing I love told someone-who-told-me that I write beautifully. Thank you.

Have realized that my parents are the most considerate people I know. At least where my life is concerned.

Love my marvellous friends. Love the weird men in my life...Dad, E,Adit and Shankar,Vernie and the Router and S. No matter how much I complain and yell and abuse and refuse to answer calls...:)

Have eaten so much potato-salad am gagging.

Therefore, shall make dignified exit

ALERT ! ALERT!

I should be doing all kinds of useful things like trimming my nails, paying my college fees and so on.
Tis just so much more fun to sit around and crib about my deprived life :)

We had our first HP Launch meeting on Monday. Twas the rainiest day of the year so far, but crazy, loyal tnt-ians that we are, we managed to wade our ways through. It went pretty well, we've all been allotted our duties...the only thing is, we're kind of gasping for time. I yam In Charge of Music...so Weed and Tonks better Bow Down! Tonks insisted on calling herself The-Tonks...which, if you keep saying it really fast starts sounding like 'de-tox'. We're trying to convince Boss to let her Pink her Hair.
Met the Router/Martian Rubber-Band after a worryingly long while...let me get very mushy and say &%^$&%*%$&$$^(^$#!*&%*$&

I have been writing this over six hours...went to college inbetween, caused havoc and got my admissions done.I am Known in the Administration...and not for my grades! They look up when I walk in, and either smirk or sigh...or hurry out.
Tis great fun!

ULM

Thank you Shankar, for being the first person to actively tell me that other people's judgements can go to hell :) :)

So long, emotional fuckwits!

I'm done getting upset over idiots. I have too many lovely people in my life to waste my energy on morons. People who have nothing to give me are not worth it.
I will not push people to be more huggable. I will not go out of my way to get to know and understand them. Everyone is not worth it!

I am responsible dammit! I don't care how much she's done for me or how stressed she is when she says things...you just need to think before you talk.

Ours is a fragile bond and I can't do much about it. But I will not be told that I should have some sense of responsibility. I do.
God I can't wait to get out of here! Everyone had rights over my life. Everyone affects me, and just want to me to fade into the smooth rhythm of their life.

Second year results came out today. First-class for yours truly(takes a bow). I ended up getting an eighty in psych.
Am pretty happy. the family is ecstatic which is nice. I had vowed not to speak to the Gestapo at all, but...I did, and twas ok.
M is back. We went to Mocha to celebrate the start of our final year in college. Tis so good to have her back!
So, all's good :)

Love

I was told today that whatever I did with my life, it had to involve writing. I have talent.
Thank you, there is no greater compliment for me.
Writing isn't an option for me.
I would not live if I couldn't write. Tisn't just the joy, the slyness, the love of words. I write because tis a necessity. My writing is perhaps the only place where I am uncompromising, dauntless, in complete faith. This is where I tear myself into pieces without fear. My writing doesn't allow me to mollycoddle myself. If I've been an ass, I can't write otherwise.

I met S today at the Store. Now that I've wanted him, touched him and separated from him in a sense...we have a strange relationship.
On my side, it involves almost constant pain. Wistfulness. He is such a barrage of names and dates. He cannot handle anything that isn't labelled and dated. And his self-absorption is....infuriating.
I cannot tell him this. He is touchy, sensitive to certain things. And in some obscure way, i represent unconditional understanding to him.
I see him as so much potential. But who am I to tell him he needs to grow. I have no resentments. Tis just sadness. This is the only relationship where my sadness is unmixed with anger or resentment. I can't make him into who I want him to be. We seldom touch, on any level. Tis rare, but sure. We don't know each other's everyday business, but he tells me important things. Makes me cd's with monsoon music.
This isn't simple. Or maybe it is. We both give as much as in us lies. For one of us, tis too much, for the other tisn't enough. I can't ask for more and I can't give less. This giving is new. It is beyond failed romance, beyond even what our bodies mean to each other. It is the reason why I can't say 'this hurts' and let go.
Sometimes there is no awareness, we just do things for each other because...it can't be any other way. Not now.

Weed and I went scouting for costumes and props today for our Big Upcoming Event. Come midnight of the 20th of July, all tnt-ians shall be found in black, sweeping robes with pointy hats. Grin.
After scouting, we went back to Weed's for Grey's Anatomy and lunch. I stuffed myself. (I loved the food Weed, no matter how much I bitch to my Cal friends about it!)
With lunch, some shopping(read: Weed and I agreeing that the point of life was to be able to afford Body Shop products) we had to do a Heera-the-milkmaid to get the Store on time. Weed, I think just about stopped short ofjumping off the rickshaw and running! Twas raining, and we shrieked and cursed everybody who splashed us.
Arrived at tnt, helped code books, hung out with the gang for awhile, then wended my way home.
M's coming back from Orissa tomorrow. I can't wait to see her new apartment!
I dreamt last night that I had got a Higher Second Class. Woke up in panic! Gasp! Choke!
Twas a fun day. I had strawberry cheesecake for breakfast at Weed's house.
Missed the Martian Rubber-band today.

Tagged

by Nandita.

I'm to list 8 facts about myself....:p

1. I'm a worrier. I agonize endlessly over..well...everything. There is nothing I do or say that is thoughtless. Even my impulses.

2. I have two ambitions. One is to be a student forever. The other is to be a Disney voice.

3. I can't talk on the phone unless a)I'm sleepy, b)I'm drunk

4. I flap my arms when I'm excited.

5. I fantasize about being a singer at one of those old cafes in Paris.

6. I hate closed shoes.

7. I love complications. Not because I can handle them well...I can't...but because they're so interesting.

8. I never cry in public or ask for help in emotional situations. My best friends haven't seen me cry. The only one who has is my old Sociology professor.

I tag...Debs and Prachi

It's a Dream

Another song my dad introduced me to :)

In the morning when I wake up and listen to the sound
Of the birds outside on the roof
I try to ignore what the paper says
And I try not to read all the news
And I'll hold you if you had a bad dream
And I hope it never comes true
'Cause you and I been through so many things together
And the sun starts climbing the roof

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

The Red River stills flows through my home town
Rollin' and tumblin' on its way
Swirling around the old bridge pylons
Where a boy fishes the morning away
His bicycle leans on an oak tree
While the cars rumble over his head
An aeroplane leaves a trail in an empty blue sky
And the young birds call out to be fed

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

An old man walks along on the sidewalk
Sunglasses and an old Stetson hat
The four winds blow the back of his overcoat away
As he stops with the policeman to chat
And a train rolls out of the station
That was really somethin' in its day
Picking up speed on the straight prairie rails
As it carries the passengers away

It's gone
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
Only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away


-Neil Young

Left-handed trees writes:

The first official Summer full moon is on Saturday--go out there and celebrate the Rose Moon (Colonial American), Lotus Moon (Chinese), Windy Moon (Choctaw), Moon of Horses (Celtic), Dyan Moon (English Medieval), or Flying Fish Moon (New Guinea). Without a doubt, my writing will be hiding there as well...what will you find?

I will go out and celebrate. I shall cry at my smallness and be thankful that Your life touched mine. I will remember that I can brighten up a day simply by forming written sentences about it. It is with a lot of joy that I still believe in celebrating full moons.

Disgruntled

It is beyond me how a day can go so wrong in five hours. I drag myself out of bed after barely 4 hours of sleep amd go to go to college to investigate the rumour that results are out. Turns out...tis false! No breakfast and an overdose of chips have made my stomach a religious riot, I see people I would rather not...one of whom sadly reproaches me for 'not caring whether he is alive'...and I realize, I don't. Care I mean.
All I'm thinking is, after all that agonizing, all that melodrama, the University has let me down.
My hair has dried funny, I look like a cross between Fido Dido and the Shaggy Dog and i'm thinking how nice it would be to be adopted by Sandy and Kiersten Cohen and do nothing but punch people and make out all the time.
I go to the British Library to look at University prospectus material. Depression on orange-level now...why must i only do a Master's in one subject?? There's Literature and Post-Modernism, Creative Writing, Media Arts, Physical Theatre and Performance...sigh!
To top it all, I feel like i've lost a friend. I don't know if I should blow my top and yell or just be patient.
Tired. Too tired to think anymore about it. Just now, i don't care if i've topped the State or bottomed the nation.(fingers crossed)

Autumn Leaves

The falling leaves drift by the window
The autumn leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sun-burned hands I used to hold

Since you went away, the days grow long
And soon I'll hear again old winters song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

-nat king cole

As of now...

I am bored.
I am having rum with water instead of Coke
I am seriously considering getting back to dating
I need a night out. Definitely with dancing.
I haven't laughed hysterically in twenty-four hours.(this is really alarming)
I am going to go watch Shrek 2 with E.
The highlight of the day was discovering that Elton John wore the same sunglasses as Mum has on his 60th birthday. Also that both my parents have way cooler(read psychedelic/Gucci) eyewear than me.

Talking Big

One of the most damning things about small-talk is the question 'so, what do you do?' Or not so much the question, as the expected answer.
Most people spew out their year of college or their job-status..and stop there. Riiiiight! You're a first-year student and nothing else. You work in a bank....that's it! That's your big life with small, intimate spaces and infinite quirks. Not!

What do you do?

I write. I agonize endlessly. I read till my head hurts. I take pictures of myself. I listen to songs and hold up an imaginary microphone and pretend I'm singing. I think about love. I study literature. I'm also currently practicing looking people in the eye. I watch movies because I like razzle-dazzle. I perform. I touch people. I observe bodies and rain. They are beautiful. I listen. I miss.

So...what do you do?

yawwwnnnn....ok folks tis 10:49 am, I have had precisely...five hours of sleep and I see no reason to be coherent.
I watched eight episodes of the OC!!! You were right J, tis addictive. I think I might start saying 'ewww' again... Rachel Bilson style of course.
Many thanks to the Router for endless exposure to the music of the OC...I loved it.
But tis more fun watching it everyday, one episode at a time. With a dvd in hand, you don't elbow anyone aside s you can grab the remote, you whole day doesn't revolve around the 9 pm slot.
Ah well. I shall go back to admiring my new anklets and practicing my eww-ing.

In tears

Have been reading some beautiful blogs. Especially this. And this one.

After a long, long time, beauty has made me cry.

Have been obsessive the past few days. Listened to The Doors and The Police over and over. L.A. Woman and Roxanne playing incessantly.
I love it when a song hits me and I have to play it over a million times. Lean into the speakers to catch a difficult word. Hum it for days afterward.
But then, I go over everything a million times. 'Letting go' and 'getting over' aren't part of my monkey-dance. I revel in baggage.

I've been thinking about a particular relationship. We are honest, soft and sometimes awkward. We sometimes tell each other difficult things. We aren't best friends..we've had moments of intimacy and days of distance. We are gypsies.
To the Other Person in this gypsy-ness, I want to say....maybe it's meant to be this way. Maybe we don't need closure and finality. I miss you when you're drifting, and i'm trying to keep away. Maybe it's because we've built nothing between us.

I Got a Peaceful Easy Feeling...

Hello :)
So...had gorgeous reminscing session with Dee. Went back to TCS(that's our junior college) and general Calcutta days and stories of my drunkeness and consequent falling off staircases with my body at 90 degrees.
Then M called, and we giggled and bad-mouthed house-guests for twenty minutes. She also informed me that the Hindi version of 'Pirates of the Carribean' has been dubbed 'Samundar ki Lutere'.
Spoke to the Director, she has assigned me the Events page on the tnt website. I'm to learn a new software, use material from our Scrapbook and create the page. Yayee!
Am now sitting wearing herbal oil in hair and aloe vera gel on face.
All nice tnt-ians are meeting at the Store this evening for 'an evening of controlled frivolity' sponsored by Vernen.
Last night's gloom has lifted!

Study

Tired. I don't want to think ahead. I don't want to think of applications, acceptances, money, loans. I don't want to wonder if tis a waste to spend so much on a year away.
I've never doubted that I want to go. I'd be a student forever if I could. Imagine...always having access to a college library! I love literature enough to study it for as many degrees as there are.
But I do so hate forms. And paperwork. And I'm terribly guilty that a loan may be required. I need focus. Total commitment to the thought that this is what I want, and I'm prepared to work for it.
I know too well my aversion to attending to details. But goddamit, this is my dream. Other people are paying for it. I should probably do the rest!

Yeah whatever...

Am thoroughly enjoying being completely lazy, catching up on my TV-time and overdosing on chips and sleep. I miss earning though. I'm no less a part of tnt even though I'm not working anymore; and I will have a pretty stringent routine starting next month, but I miss the paycheck.

My cousin got a 97 in a chem test. Bloody hell! I don't even want to recall my Days of Chemistry.
Vernen is leaving on Sunday. He will be missed. But he-and-I is very complete, so no regrets...nothing unfinished. He and i are invited to tea at Sumi's tomorrow :) Methinks will take my own Beatles mug! I've actually started drinking tea since I got that mug :)
I'm a wee bit worried about Dee. She's known for her Enormous Highs and Great Falls...Hope all works out babe.
Ok, I've been writing this for over three hours, interspersed with intense talks with Debs, Shy and Ruta...and I haven't mentioned my two main worries.
One is that on account of my chip-binge...I have the most terrible break-outs on my face...and I'm still not stopping!
The other is...too bothersome to mention and anyway it may not be a worry at all.

To tell you...

Mum.
It's six years today since you left. For over forty years, you were daughter, sister, wife, daughter-in-law, mother, divorcee, tired.
In six years you have stepped over all the boxes,every label. You are a mother, completely. You are also living a sparky,intelligent life on you own.
We both agree it hasn't been easy. But look what it achieved Mum! We are both better people because you took a difficult decision. A shocking one!
Because you refused to remain cloistered and miserable.
Thanks for letting go Mum.
I am so goddamn proud of you!

I was at recently at this birthday party for a two-year-old. The host and hostess were running around trying to hook me up with somebody my own age.
Erm, yeah..that would be...a twenty-two year old who looks fifteen and knows Disney songs by heart. Sure!
I detest being introduced to people just for company. I was more thsn happy nibbling on cookies and cake and observing people. There was somebody who had come sixth in the State in her board exams. There was a lady who was introduced as 'quite a character'.

I enjoy being an anomaly entirely too much. And yes, i sometimes do it for effect. Why do people assume I'm bored and awkward if i'm alone? And who says I'll get along with people simply because they're my age?
Ooooofff!

The Basics of TIA

I love:
Sleeping

I hate:
Not sleeping

I marvel at:
My ability to sleep.

So...goodnight dear Void

Ok, so I gamely decide to go to the home of The Boy I Once Loved. I was paranoid from the previous night. Howled my eyes out and decided I could NOT go. Then decided to be brave and martyr-like and face up to it like St Joan of Arc.

I adore melodrama when you can laugh at it later!

I primped. I admit it all right! Wore new cotton olive-green pants and this very un-Tia top which Mum got me. It has Juicy Cherry written all over it in pink! Wore lenses which basically meant I could see only a foot ahead of me. Made up eyes and actually looked at self in mirror, something i rarely do.
But I couldn't go right away. I mean, i had to de-glamourize myself a bit and appear casual. So off I went to tnt (thank you Director for creating it!) and had a few laughs. Gave Resh and Ravi Bhaiyya their presents, talked to Resh about a lot of things. Met the Router (much happiness there as always), gave him his present...come to think of it, his presence has become so familiar now...

THEN, with blessings from J and A, I took myself off to That House. I quivered let me tell you. No, quivered is too delicate and ladylike...I SHOOK! I love the House you know. It has a jhoola and dogs and an old, old bai who always welcomes me and gives me lovely tea or Tang..or both. I almost walked past the gate (perhaps I could tell them I hadn't found the house in the dark), but St Joan dropped me off at the door.
I met the New Dog. He bit my new pants. The Old Dog was happy to see me. I chatted awhile with the Sister and the Cousins. We sing bug songs. Bless them for making me so welcome.
But I was not a complete martyr if I didn't face the Boy Himself!

So...I knock on his door verrrry politely. He opens, is surprised-pleased to see me. I am prepared to be umcomfortable, in fact I am DETERMINED to be uncomfortable.
'What happened, why are you looking like that?', he asks.
I, with my usual eloquence, suddenly snap up and say 'oh..no, I'm just jet-lagged and it's so hot and...' and sit down.
We talk. He is digitizing old audio cassettes of classical music. His room smells just the same. It hits me that smell. He shows me his new books, shows me pictures of his recent vacation with friends, explains the music he is trying to clear up.
I observe him. He has lost weight.
He tells me he had food poisoning. His hair seems less shiny. Maybe he's stopped using gel(what a relief!)
My ipod charger has been with him for months. I tell him he can keep it. He tells me I must take his in return. I refuse. He insists. 'I don't want to take anything from you without giving back', he says.
I tickle him and ask him to shut up.
He gives me two books and a cd...because he has extra copies!
The Mother comes home.
I like her a lot. We have had very good talks.

It is getting late. I need to get back to tnt. He has to go that way, he offers me a lift. An old ritual. He's dropped me home in the middle of the night even after we bacame Once Loved. I open the gate, he takes the bike out, I close the gate and hop on.
He tells me I've grown heavy. I beat him up. He drops me to the Store, rides off before i can say thank you or hug him.
We are all about rituals, him and me. The tea, the bike, the rides, him working on his computer on his beloved music, the stacks of books towering on his desk, the smell of his room...like oldness and comfort...
and touch...the one that had to be broken.

Some Enchanted Evening

Sometimes I'd like to scream and say
I hate the fluorescent lighting in this room.
Sometimes I'd like to sit out on the steps
Arms wrapped around my knees
Smoking
Scared
So you'll come out and ask me what the matter is
Looking out through these small, these millions of small
moments
Is the hugeness of touching you.

Good Morning!

I finally connected with the Router. He is away on holiday and I missed our contact.
We spoke for only a few minutes. 'This is is the place you get range out here,' he said. I was too busy making fun of him and trying to tell him about Hollywood musicals...which he refused to listen to...to give it thought.
After we hung up, I thought about it. Where he is, there is this one space where you can make contact. And he'd been there talking to me. That has made me smile.
And that itch in my neck has gone, though it is still sore.
And my original router suddenly began working.
Happy!

I guess you don't have much to show
That comes from me to you
And I don't have much to give
And there's little i can do

But if you're thinking of the future
The way you seem to be
All I ask of you
Is think carefully

For I have watched the way you look at me
And I've seen it in your eyes
Heard you whisper loved words
Breathe a tender sigh
But you think there's a part of me
I never really show
And you worry about tomorrow
And things you don't know

I won't send flowers on a Sunday
Might not call you on a Monday
Won't have the time to dream of you each day
But I'll think of you in moments free
Make your smile my favourite memory
And love you in my own kind of way.

I guess that I have never been quite the one for words
And what i have to say is less than poetry
But thinking as I do, I wonder if I
Have ever let you know
What you mean to me
So I'll sing a song just for you
My music i will play
Andmaybe somewhere in-between
Is what I'm trying to say
If you've a dream for tomorrow
You would like to share
Make a little room for me
I'd like to be there.


I don't know who sang this, I can't find it anywhere. Mum gave me a copy of a collection of songs, this was one.

A Very Serious and Proper Memoir

Tis difficult to write about a vacation once it's over. The sharpness of the everyday experience fades. The milk with Lucky Charms, seeing 7th Avenue where I crossed the street in my Belle gown twelve years ago, walking in London with Mum, the presents I found when I had no intention of buying and my delight at how apt they were for the receiver,dreaming in Downtown Disney, riding the Everest Expedition four times, Mary Poppins on Broadway....all of them so vital and yet so ephemeral.

I discovered people anew this trip.
Mum is going to be 50 in November. She's gorgeous, astute, intense. She's happily unmarried, and has her fair share of romance. I am so very proud of the unconventional life she is leading. She makes brilliant coffee and cocktails and cooks like a dream and takes pride in being pretty and is always learning. She has a stock of abuses and a sense of humour that is outrageous.
My aunt who we stayed withis...my soulmate. We can't stand people all the time, we hate being available all the time. She lives by herself in a gorgeous Manhattan apartment and watches good movies and reads a lot and takes everything with a wry pinch of salt.

I met an uncle of mine after eight years in New York. When I was about seven years old, he made up a rhyme about me...which I shall not repeat here :) He recited it when we met this time!

I also got closer to a friend from Pune, so much so that the back of my neck has been itching because we haven't communicated since I came back!
I'm glad to be back. They make such terrible chips over in the West! And I had to smoke Marlboro! And I missed Hindi music!

of People

I got some Tia-time today. Much needed, I am super-saturated with people. I can't handle being with people for days. I can't stand being spoken to all the time. My head explodes.
I actually get along far better with my parents because I don't see them daily. Somebody once said that to love someone everyday is a liability. I don't know.
I think to be obliged to love daily is tough. I love Mum, not because she is my mother and I 'should', but because I choose to see her strengths and see, but not concentrate on her flaws.
I've had problems with my father, but when I started seeing him as a person rather than just a dad, things improved. Yes, I still get impatient with him, find him trying...but he has qualities I admire tremendously.
I am deeply lucky to have friends and some relations who understand my social ineptness and make no demands of me. The less I am expected to give, the more I will.

On another note, I am feeling very important because the Router says I am :) I worried over him-and-me. Had endless talks with J, analysing all the ups and downs we had with him. I don't think that will ever stop, tis too much fun! but I don't worry anymore. There is a queer kind of magic in exploring him intimately, without prejudice. I don't shut out any part of him and I remain open to his changing.
This is a first for me in many ways. Thank you for softening, for always responding. For letting me see you...

By the way...Ruta, Jahnavi, I think he deserves a group-hug! Let's pick a date and venue and have the Ceremony!

Noo Eyork!!

There are five people sharing two bathrooms in this house. I am using liquid soap that leaves glitter on my hand. E and I are sleeping on a huge, inflatable mattress. I fall over if I walk on it. I am going to Tiffany's in the next few days to play at being Holly Golightly.
Most of what should have been on the blog has gone into emails to the Router :)

Goodbye,,,again?

Leave taking

Fragments and shadows.
Glimpses of you
framed
in other doorways,
held
by other spaces.

How should i ask
you to return,
with these hands full
of nothing
but memories?

-Anjum Katyal

Thanks Prachi. This has a lot of my current state in it.

There!

I'm in love, and always will be

Meryl Streep once said, 'I look at my daughter and think, 'They're going to blow up the world, just when I've got this little peach here.''

I know. I watch the news, see movies based on religious/political horror stories. My flesh shrivels. I hurt.
I have no religious loyalties. A colleague once asked me, 'Aren't you proud to be a Hindu?' Itruthfully answered, 'I don't know enough about Hinduism to take any pride in it.'
I recently watched Deepa Mehta's 'Earth.' I thought about E. Three days into this trip, and I have changed. I grip his hand just a little tighter when we are out. I think, 'how terrible if E has to grow up in this filthy fanaticism.' And I realize how this kind of love makes us feel so terrible helpless. Because we know that no matter if we commit every atom in our body to protect the ones we love, ultimately we might only be able to stand and watch.
They plot and they plan to blow up the world. To them the world is whoever is not like them, maybe even some who are. The only way they want the world to notice them is to blow it up. To me, they blow up people's personal worlds. Those little bits of earth on which we grow what we love best. And then it turns to blood and loose, scattered limbs. And then we grasp our last resort. We pray to the god in whose name most of this happens.

How do you know how much to let people be? How do you not gasp when you see your child falling down, even though there may be little or no injury? I'm not a mum, but I am almost sixteen years older than E. I worry about him, I yell at him to kepp him in line...and then I feel totally hypocritical beacause I strongly believe in individual choice and values. I'd like to let him be, become wild, create what he wants, not make him eat vegetables at every meal. Why do I yell at him if his room is a mess? What good is your own room if you have to keep it like other people want you to?
I often tell people that kids need to go their own way, to have uncontrollable hair, to eat too many sweets, to scream as loud as they want. Yet, I hush E, make sure his hair is flat. Do I want him to be 'of the world?' He is a social little soul and it does matter to him what people think.
I don't have all the answers. And that's the worst thing, when a child matters to you this much.

Manual of the Warrior of Light

Ok, so one-third of the Examathon is done. I wrote a paper on Applied Ethics in Philosophy today and I discovered several things.
1. I swear a lot when I'm stressed (read having a panic attack) I said 'fuck' about twenty times before the paper.

2. I have a fairly good memory. I can skate over a few pages and remember names like Lars O' Ericsson and Hadley Arkes.

3. I get bored writing papers unless it's Literature. After I had completed 30 marks worth of questions, I didn't want to write anymore.

4. I shared a plate of fries and a few words with a guy we call the Chopper because he once announced in class that instead of capital punishment, they should just chop the guy's limbs off and let him go. He said this with a perfectly serious face. I've never hung out with him and this was nice.

5. Having a decent vocabulary really helps. At least your answers read like you know stuff.

So there you go. Discoveries that had nothing to do with Applied Ethics, but are very pertinent.

I like hanging out with new people. There's so much to observe in everyone. I'm not much of a talker...unless I'm high...but it's lovely knowing there's so much newness around.
Not to mention that people you already know can still surprise you. Somebody, out of the blue, told me the other day that I was highly honest with emotions, and he liked that about me.
Isn't that a great thing to be told? And tis extra special because..well..I was beginning to think he was all matte finish. But now..I've glimpsed a tiny sparkle..and it makes me happy. Tis nice to have people who matter, and nice to discover little sparks of light in them :)

Marc Sabatella

My current wallpaper. An afterthought of 'You've Got Mail.'

The Hug

I like this :)
Thanks Jen.

Yay!

I am now a part of Mahima's Travelling Journal project. I'm to build an art-shrine for Michelle, and Linda is making one for me. Each person in the group will have a shrine dedicated to them in the journal. It's taking off from Nepal and will tour India, the US and Canada :)
Excited!

siiiighh

I'm restless today. There's a storm brewing outside, I love storms. Tis been a humid day and I napped in the afternoon without the air-conditioner. I preferred the heavy, moist air and my fan.
I'm very bleh and I don't like it. I need some major re-energizing, and to get out of the house. I need rain and laughter and nonsense and bad jokes. And attention!

Had a long chat with Neha last night. We used to have them twice a day at one point of time. Neha and Shakun are my Happily Ever After relationships :)
I miss them!!!!
I like people whose worlds I can enter and exit at will. And then pick up the threads again. I chase any kind of learning about people who matter.

Tagged

by Oliver
Hi there :)


1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it:
Burn-mark on my chest. Diwali about 6 or 7 years back. On the terrace. My cousin waving a sparkler, a spark went down my neckline...grin.

2. What is on the walls in your room?
There are 4 sketches of Calcutta, a mirror with stickers and letters, a mask which looks like a fork and my sticky-board which has concert passes, cards and such-like.

3. What does your phone look like?
a flat hunk of steel with fancy buttons and a screen.


4. What music do you listen to?
recently....it's been Pink Floyd, Dhoom-2,Carnatic classical and this one song by Patrick Park :)

5. What is your current desktop picture?
aaaahh...tis that one of the moon over a volcano.

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
a good book with my name as the author,a lot of money,a lover, exams to get over


7. Do you believe in gay marriage?
Believe as in do I believe you can be gay and married or can such a marriage last or what? Sheesh! I'm not a big fan of marriage, but heck if you want to, why should it matter if you're gay?

8. What time were you born?
4:17 pm.

9. Are your parents still together?
No.

10. What are you listening to?
my fan whirring and the beeps from my computer.

12. The last person to make you cry?
is gone.

13. What is your favourite perfume/cologne?
212 by Carolina Herrera and Spiced Green Tea by Elizabeth Arden

14. What kind of hair/eye colour do you like on the opposite sex?
the eyes need to be able to look me straight, hair should smell good and be ungelled.

15. Do you like pain killers?
dude, i'm a masochist ok!

16. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Dunno. If I like someone, I make it obvious, but have never actually said 'will you go out with me?'

17. Fave pizza topping?
Pepperoni and extra cheese.

18. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
Lays Magic Masala, Coke, and I'd like a smoke please.


19. Who was the last person you made mad?
I'll call him the Router. Ever since I've known him, he's been the last person I made mad :)

20. Is anyone in love with you?
Nah, they prefer being fascinated from a distance.

I tag Debs, Jahnavi and the Insane Rambler
and Prachi

Ok, so I'm halfway through my papers, and so far none have been disasters. I've a massive pile of reading to do for my philosophy paper and then there are my two Honours papers.
With all this Papering about, my stomach has become unhappy and is on the run. My circadian clock seems to have adjusted itself to US time already, refuses to sleep till 5 am. Oh and I sing Beatles songs to my router to make it work.
Ah the Great Intoxication of Examinations.

I do wish people from the family would quit asking me about exams. Yes I know you all worry and you hope that I shall get into a great university and all that but....YOU JUST DON'T GET IT! OK? Unless you're my batchmate or at least college-going yourself, you really have no clue what it is in this exam, this time. So please PLEASE don't ask me about notes and how it went and am I studying ok? Cos no matter how supremely educated you are, you really have no clue about S.Y.B.A 2007 in my college.
(Let it stay that way)

Real Beauty

This is part of the Dove Real Beauty Campaign. Have a look and tell me what you think. A big thank you to the Insane Rambler.

Here's the video.

w/e

No interest in stupid psych syllabus. Dad will probably have to mortgage the house twice over and auction off his music collection to send me to university. My net connection is so screwed that this probably won't get published.
Why don't I just place an ad in a matrimonial website in the bargain?

Postcards from a Promenade

A production by the students of Wolverhampton University undergoing training in dance-drama.
As a novice in this field of theatre, what I notice most is the deliberation of the body. Even in stillness, there is no carelessness in movement or in touch. Beautiful awareness of the body, and pride in it.
Thanks Royona di, for sharing.

Love

For the young who want to
by Marge Piercy

Talent is what they say
you have after the novel
is published and favorably
reviewed. Beforehand what
you have is a tedious
delusion, a hobby like knitting.

Work is what you have done
after the play is produced
and the audience claps.
Before that friends keep asking
when you are planning to go
out and get a job.

Genius is what they know you
had after the third volume
of remarkable poems. Earlier
they accuse you of withdrawing,
ask why you don't have a baby,
call you a bum.

The reason people want M.F.A.'s,
take workshops with fancy names
when all you can really
learn is a few techniques,
typing instructions and some-
body else's mannerisms

is that every artist lacks
a license to hang on the wall
like your optician, your vet
proving you may be a clumsy sadist
whose fillings fall into the stew
but you're certified a dentist.

The real writer is one
who really writes. Talent
is an invention like phlogiston
after the fact of fire.
Work is its own cure. You have to
like it better than being loved.

from The Moon Is Always Female, 1980

Found on cdeliascarpitti. Thank you, and thank you mahima for the link.

Tragic Heroine



Ishtyle!

Right on Wendy!

I found this on Sunayana's blog.
Readers are requested to have either a not-easily-freaked-out mind or a great sense of humour or a uterus.
Enjoy.


AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.

February 6, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Hardy
Austin, TX

Album

I'm looking at pictures. The ones you made inside me. The teacups arranged on a shelf in the Inner Kitchen...is it the second shelf, or the third? Your desk piled high with two towers of books. All of them have your name written inside(all except that last one I borrowed. I forget the name)

The bed with the flat pillow where I would sit and read while you slept.(Oh and the days you would walk into my room carrying your own speakers. Sometimes it would rain, and we would stand together in the balcony, hands barely touching, your music breathing in my air.)Here is one of my feet just as I heard the phone ring,the ringtone I had for you.(I'm sorry it is blurred, I was in such a hurry to answer.)
Here you are wearing bright yellow and not looking at me. You had bought me a book for no reason other than remembering that I wanted it. You hurried up the steps, handed it to me, looked away and hurried back.

These are my shoulders, the first time you touched me by yourself. I was wearing the burnt-orange kurta...you were sitting on a jhoola...you looked at me, I turned away...you came up behind me and rested your hands on my shoulders...

This is one of me, today as our car turned into your lane. Look, you can see my muscles tightening, my eyes almost hopeful...but then we turned another way...

I'd love to hold onto you forever, I doubt that's the best I can do. I'll just keep a few of these...the one I took of the scar on your chin, this one of you trying to manually restart the bike...oh and please can I keep the one of you making my bed for me when I was sick?

I love taking baths. Tis a ritual for me, and I detest people interuupting. I have atleast three kinds of shower gels, two soaps, two face-washes and a foot-scrub in my bathroom at any given time. I am a sucker for all those fancy ingredients they claim to put into shower-gels. Pearl-protein, ylang-ylang, elderflower...you should see me in the supermarket. I open each bottle, smell it and then I read the back. You know, where they write about the calming effects of lavender and how rose-hips will awaken your senses.

I don't like using moisturiser after a bath usually. The clean feel of just having had water all over you is exhilarating. But then you do get lotions fragranced with sweet-pea and cucumber and honey. Water is therapeutic for me. I cannot sleep at night without having splashed my face and washed my hands and feet. I like seeing my fingertips wrinkled after a hot shower in winter. If I ever can, I'd like a home by the sea. A little driftwood house. With an old, wooden tub in the bathroom. Somewhere I could run barefoot and taste of salt and let my hair be tangled...

Growl

At severe loss and unbelievably pissed of!

Pagan Poetry

Pedalling through
The dark currents
I find
An accurate copy
A blueprint
Of the pleasure
In me

Swirling black lilies totally ripe
A secret code carved
Swirling black lilies totally ripe
A secret code carved

He offers
A handshake
Crooked
Five fingers
They form a pattern
Yet to be matched

On the surface simplicity
But the darkest pit in me
It's pagan poetry
Pagan poetry

Morsecoding signals (signals)
They pulsate (wake me up) and wake me up
(pulsate) from my hibernating

On the surface simplicity
Swirling black lilies totally ripe
But the darkest pit in me
It's pagan poetry
Swirling black lilies totally ripe
Pagan poetry

Swirling black lilies totally ripe

I love him, I love him
I love him, I love him
I love him, I love him
I love him, I love him
She loves him, she loves him

This time
She loves him, she loves him
I'm gonna keep it to myself
She loves him, she loves him
She loves him, she loves him
This time
I'm gonna keep me all to myself
She loves him, she loves him
And he makes me want to hurt myself again
She loves him, she loves him
She loves him, she loves him
And he makes my want to hand myself over

-Bjork

Here's the video.

Little Pinpoints of Light

I rather like my current nightly schedule. Heavy doses of studying, random glasses of Tang cigarettes and blogging at 2:30 am.

I really like how tiny things bring such a lot of happiness. Prachi getting a job at Seagull, me getting a lot of love from J....and one unexpected twinkle of joy...and exchange of surnames... from the Crazy Diamond.
A hug to each of you!

Yes I have a psych paper next week, and four more after that, yes I am hurting somewhat still and yes I am getting a double chin.

But as L.M. Montgomery writes, 'there is sweetness in my cup of life.'

I send out a prayer for my little girl in Kolkata, and her guy.
Love you.

Musings of a Wannabe Terminator

Is there really such a thing as giving too much? I find it difficult to cut off from people I haven't explored fully. As though I'm afraid I'll have missed out on some amazing part of them.
It bites at me when people refuse to care. S, for instance. Sometimes I resent whatever stupid reason he may have for not communicating. Then I remember all the times he's been unabashedly honest with me. The incredible potential he has shown to be clear and open. It hurts when we are distant. I'm not accusing, tis a fact. And tis a hurt I accept.
And Him. He bites at me too. Oh, the constant bickering and fruitless doses of 'I don't care so sue me!' These are people I would like to have comfortable silences with. I'm terrible at pretending so both of them get generous doses of love from me. And they find it a leetle hard to digest.
What to do?
I refuse to edit myself.
S, I suppose is afraid I will try to slip back into my old role. I wish there was some coherent way of telling you S, that intimacy need not be stuffed into neat little Relationship Boxes.
And Him! So terrified of trusting that every bit of softness and openness we share must be overbalanced by some kind of clash.
You know what? They've a right to be scared, edgy, uncomfortable etc. And I've a right to be intense, hyper-sensitive and shamelessly honest. I'm no martyr, whatever I give is freely given, by choice. And I'm secure enough not to worry that I'm giving away more than is good for me. Or maybe naive enough. Right now I'm mad at both of them. I'm mad at a world where everything is over-casual.

Yikes!

Your Deadly Sins

Pride: 40% Greed: 20% Lust: 20% Wrath: 20% Envy: 0% Gluttony: 0% Sloth: 0% Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14% You will die from faulty botox injection.

How Sinful Are You?

Yes indeedy

Your Quirk Factor: 80%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal. No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

How Quirky Are You?

On Nurturing

Read this.

Thanks Shankar, for complete, unabashed honesty.

Magnificent Obsession

The most beautiful 'old classic' I have read. Will put up a review soon. S, you have to read this!

Clouds and construction

More..

At Mocha




Zombied in a techno-world